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Natural Birth
PansyPants
member
Postpartum Moms: battle scars
PansyPants
member
I just have to talk about this and hear from others. I had a second degree tear which isn't awful, lots of women have a second degree tear. In fact, 5 of the women in my moms group had a second degree tear. But what nobody told me about prior to delivery and nobody seems to talk about after is that tearing is only one of the ways your vagina can be forever changed.
I have a rectocele and a less noticeable cystocele. This means that the front and back walls of my vagina have essentially been damaged to the point where they can no longer support the weight of my organs and surrounding tissues.
It's weird, it makes me feel unattractive, it's slowly destroying my interest in sex, it causes me pain if I am not regular three times a day, and the kicker is that they won't even consider repairs unless I start pooping and peeing myself to the point of "compromising your standard of living". As though my sex life isn't a part of my life. When I'm completely finished having children I can elect to have "cosmetic" repairs done or I can wait until I go through menopause and have a hysterectomy and repairs at that point.
After having my son, I spoke with my mom about it and she said that it happened to her after delivery me and that even though they tried for a third child, she was unsuccessful for four years.
There are a million things that fly through my head when I think about this and really, I'd just like to hear somebody say "I have battle scars too" instead of all the positive stories of untorn and unbattered vaginas. I believed Ina May, I believed my doula, I believed all the podcasts that said I could deliver a baby vaginally without damage no matter it's size. Now I wish somebody would have told me that there was an alternative.
Edit: I just want to say that I wouldn't change how I had my son, it was amazing and wonderful and I would like to do it again. I just wish I had been told more than just the best case scenario.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Postpartum Moms: battle scars
I think I can relate somewhat. I had 2 good deliveries and didn't have bad tearing with my kids (only 1 stitch with DS), but despite that, after having DD, I have damage to the front wall of my vagina and a prolapsed bladder. Yeah, it sucks. Overall I haven't had "side effects" that have compromised my standard of living, but I can sometimes feel it (my bladder) outside my body which makes me grossed out and incredibly self-conscious around DH (he's not allowed down there for any foreplay), makes it impossible to use tampons or menstrual cups (which i far prefer), and will require physical therapy and/or corrective surgery. So no, certainly not a side effect of childbirth that I expected. I know my mom had the same problem (after 4 kids) that did eventually effect some parts of her life and she ended up with a hysterectomy and corrective surgery. Honestly, I'm really nervous about how it'll be after LO #3.
Chin up! Our LOs are worth it
They absolutely are
I have the "I feel my insides on the outside" issue as well and it makes me very shy around my husband. He's such a trouper and says all the time that he can't tell the different during sex and that he doesn't care if I've changed. I know he means it, but somehow I'm still having a hard time accepting it.
Even if there is no clear evidence that things changed, it's still very obvious to me that it did. I didn't tear, I had an episitomy and I never found out how bad it was. But my recovery was awful and I still don't think I've mentally gotten over it yet... Not sure if I ever will! I still harbor resentment since I'm not certain I needed one to begin with. I just let my Ob talk me into one. Dh says he can't see or feel my scar or anything, but I know it's there and I resent that it is, kwim?
I feel like my love for Ds and the joy I get from him and knowing I gave him life is totally unrelated to how I feel about my post baby sexual organs. Yes, he's worth it, but that doesn't mean I can't mourn the loss of my un-cut vagina! I'm sorry that you're having such issues, mama.
Ugh, I'm sorry! You barely ever hear about our bodies after kids, and how they are just different all around, you know?
Have you looked into any physical therapy, especially PTs who specifically deal with women and pelvic floor issues? I have distastis recti, and I ended up going to a PT who only deals with women.
There's this post I recently read that has some sort of pelvic floor excerciser you might want to check out:
https://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2012/02/laselle-kegel-exerciser-review-1.html
https://intimina.com/en/kegel-exercisers-laselle.php
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I finished pelvic PT when DS was 9 months old, so I hear you. In addition to pelvic separation, I had a 3rd+ tear that left hard, painful scar tissue, and I had pelvic nerve damage. I encourage you to seek our multiple opinions until someone offers something helpful. It took me something like EIGHT professionals before I got the help I needed. I don't know about your condition, but I would look into if pelvic PT or even if chiropractic adjustment can help. That may sound wacky, but my chiro who specializes in PG and PG-related conditions has a healing method via Total Body Modification that helps with incontinence and strengthening the pelvic floor. I am sorry that you are going through this.
More Green For Less Green
I would talk to some more health care professionals if I was you. What you're describing shouldn't be acceptable. You don't sound happy with your quality of life - your sex life is part of your life! No man would put up with what you're describing.
Get a second opinion. Get a third. Talk to a PT and a chiro (and find ones that specialize in post-partum).
I had a third degree tear (nearly fourth) and it hasn't been fun. We're finally to the point that I really enjoy sex again, and even now it's not at 100% pain free unless I'm careful. I also get a bit frustrated at the "rah rah vaginas can do anything" pep talks... mine didn't. My baby didn't turn, and I'm sure that had a lot to do with the tear.
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I completely agree. The same happened to me after my first baby was born, and it was really upsetting. I should add that it continued to improve for a year or more after she was born, so don't lose hope that it will always be the way it is right now.
Also, I went on to have a normal (and comfortable - at least as much as it ever is) pregnancy with my son, and even though he was nearly a pound bigger, the recovery has been way easier. I can still feel my cystocele occasionally at the end of a long day, but it is nowhere near what I felt with my daughter. I feel pretty "normal."
So, do those pelvic floor exercises and know that you're not alone! I have the DVD from hab-it.com for pelvic floor exercises, but I'm not very good about making the time to do it, so I can't really give it a review yet one way or the other.
I hope it gets better for you.
baby #4 due March '17!
I totally agree. The medical world doesn't seem to take women's sexuality seriously still. That makes me so angry for you. I would try some new doctors. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
And I had only a minor tear but I still feel it sometimes 11 months later. I had a CNM tell me everything looked normal but I'm skeptical, and I am going to get a second opinion. I don't regret my vaginal birth but I thought I would feel totally healed by now.
I really appreciate all the encouragement and suggestions. I hadn't really thought about going to other care providers even though I didn't think twice about seeking out different opinions while pregnant. Somehow I got the impression I was just supposed to deal with it and move on. That this was the reason that my mom and aunts hate sex and pee their pants and that now it was my turn.
I'm going to call a couple of places this week and look for help beyond my endless routine of kegels. Thank you all, it's so calming to receive pro-active suggestions.
My OB never specified what kind of tearing there was for either of my deliveries...but I know there were quite a few stitches involved. With my first, my husband (who couldnt help but watch the delivery, even though I requested he stay at my shoulders...just too curious, I guess and I had more important things to worry about)...said that it looked like that area had gone through a meat grinder. Gee, thanks honey.
The second time, there was a student helping stitch me up afterwards and he cut the stitch too close to the knot and the entire row unravelled. My husband piped in with "That's it, you're fired".
I know things are different down there than they used to be, but I dont have the complications that some PPs have described. I have one more reason to consider myself lucky, I guess.
You can totally go to PT for this. I had a very minor version, plus some scar tissue that was not healing (it was granular tissue - talk about feeling gross) But I went to a PT because of that and she said I had some minor wall issues.
Basically they give you exercises beyond kegels and also work with you in the office. I only went a few times but it helped a lot. and sex eventually got better - it was very painful for a long time, but now it's totally fine.
It does get better - at least for me.
Kind of related, I recently read an article about PP care in France where they give all new moms PT starting at 6 weeks after birth. Because they care so much about the vajayjay. And apparently realize that something traumatic just happened down there, whereas we just ignore it here in the US.