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Breastfeeding
CHI-06
member
Advice...husband feeling left out and wants me to wean
CHI-06
member
I have a feeling I might get some harsh comments about my DH for this on this board but I really am looking for some advice. He is not a bad person and we do have a great relationship.
So...DH tells me last night that he wants me to wean. He feels that he is losing out on bonding with our son because I am always the one feeding him and at his age that is the key bonding time. and since I am the only one feeding him he always comes along with me. So if we split up the kids to do something the baby is always with me. I can see where he is coming from on feeling left out and like he is missing out on this baby stage...
It seems like an easy enough answer to say let him feed a bottle. Which I did tell him he could. However... I don't know how that is going to work. I am barely pumping enough now to send with him when I am at work. I cannot always just pump when he is feeding the bottle because we do have 2 other kids.
He doesn't believe that breastmilk is really that much better... like it's not a life and death thing so why not just feed formula? All his siblings were raised that way and they are all fine. I try to explain to him but he never really gets it... he has been totally fine with me nursing in the beginning but now he basically wants a turn. I am thinking maybe we will have to introduce some formula. I am not sure how that will work though if one bottle a day is formula and the rest he gets BM?
Anyways....any advice on this? Anyone elses DH feel similar?
Daughter born July 2008; Daughter born March 2010
Son born August 2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice...husband feeling left out and wants me to wean
My DD is much younger than your DS, but I know my DH would love to feed DD a bottle, so I pump so he can do that. He would never ask me to wean, though, since he knows BM is best for the baby. (In fact, he was my biggest support through the first 2 months when the pain was almost unbearable.)
I don't think I'd introduce formula just for that reason, but that is me. This will pass and by the looks of your siggy your son may be starting solids soon, so I would probably let your DH do most of that feeding. But he also needs to realize he can easily bond with your DS outside of feeding...
GL!
You need to figure out a way for your DH to bond that doesn't involve feeding. Nursing isn't the only bonding activity in the world - rocking to sleep for naps, changing diapers, cuddling, playing, singing, etc. No, formula isn't life or death, but it is proven to have greater health benefits than formula, and weaning just for the sake of extra bonding is a very bad idea.
https://kellymom.com/pregnancy/bf-prep/bf-links-father/ That's a pretty good list of resources for you to go through to maybe get some ideas for how to handle your DH.
Moms and Dads just bond differently, and this is true for the rest of your kids, right? They tend to go to Mom for one thing and Dad for others. His role is unique and special and simply different from yours, not less important.
I am often not able to pump as much as DD eats at daycare, so I often have no choice but for her to get a bottle of formula. It is not a big deal at all, in my mind, for LO to have a bottle of formula every once in a while, and if giving a bottle of formula or bm is what you need to do to make your DH feel like he is more bonded, then I think that's ok. However, I try to make sure DD gets as much BM as possible and don't just give formula so that someone else can feed her. As pp said there are many other ways to bond - DH gives DD her bath most nights, which she loves, and he has a blast doing it. Feeding once LO starts solids is another great idea. As yucky as it sounds, diaper changes can also be fun bonding time - I know my DD will often smile and laugh and have a good ol' time hanging out on her changing table, and - except when it is a nasty diaper blowout - DH and I both enjoy that time with her as well.
Again, a bottle of formula to supplement is totally fine in my book, but I think there are lots of other options for bonding that he could try and you definitely don't need totally wean so that he can feed or bond with LO.
BM is not life or death, but if he really researches it he knows it is better for his child. My DH rarely got to feed our son, but he did other stuff. With this being our first child, it did take awhlie for my DH to feed more connected/bonded. I think part of that was new parent and part of that was the baby being with me during feedings. But since you have your child for life (take care of them for 18 + years), then I think he can handle it for 12ish months.
I would not mess with my baby's tummy or my supply by using formula for this reason. He can do alot of other stuff with the baby to bond. He can also help you by getting him ready for the feeding and then rocking him back to sleep.
Side question - Could he want to "feed the baby" so that you will have to handle the other kids during this time. Like Daddy is tired of the bedtime fight and would rather be feeding the baby and let you handle it.
No flames here.
I'm sorry that your DH feels this way, and that it is creating a source of tension in your marriage. To start off with, I think that you should look at some of the resources concerning fathers and breastfeeding over on kellymom (https://kellymom.com/pregnancy/bf-prep/bf-links-father/). Review the information, highlighting things that you find relevant, and then share them with your DH.
As many moms on here can probably attest to, there are many other ways for a father to bond with a baby. Your DH can wear your DS, cuddle him, rock him, play with him, give him bath time, sing to him, take him for a walk, watch a sporting tv event with him, etc. Feeding is only one component of bonding and eventually your DH will be able to help with that when you begin solids.
I don't feel the need to get into the medical benefits of breastfeeding (since they are many and well established), but it might be worth your while to do some reading and remind your DH of the benefits.
If you were to wean, what percent of bottlefeedings would your DH participate in? Would he be willing to wash the bottles? Buy the formula? There are many, many formula feeding moms who still get stuck doing the majority of the work.
How do you feel about weaning? Your post focused on your DH's feelings but left out your own. Would it make you sad to wean? If the answer is yes, or if you are uncertain, then I feel very strongly that you should not. Breastfeeding creates a special bond between a mother and her child and that should not be ignored. Your DH has many ways to bond with your son now, and as your son grows you will find that you both will bond to your son in new and different ways. There will also be times when your DH and son will be more closely bonded then you and your son. It is perfectly natural. I hope that you find a solution that works for both all three of you.
I won't bash your DH because that won't help at all. I'm sorry that he is not being supportive. I think that the husbands support is the most important thing in BF. He does need to realize that there are plenty of other ways to bond with baby. I EBF at home and DH has a lot of play time with baby, goes for walks, does diapers, baths, babywearing, etc.
I think the bottle would be a good compromise. I have a manual pump that I use at home and I can pump a bottle in less than 15 minutes. I would try to point him to some resources that show how much better BM is, explain to him the benefits, etc. But under no circumstance would I allow my husband to tell me to stop BF. The kellymom site is great for info about the benefits of BM.
It is much different to supplement with formula because you have to.
Weaning completely is not an option to me. I am only considering adding one bottle of formula if I don't have enough pumped milk.
My son is eating solids already so I think maybe I start there and let him handle those feedings right now. and I guess I need to push him to do more things like baths, diaper changes... hopefully that will help. I will read what kellymom says too....thanks.
Yep, he needs to get over it.
Formula isn't easier - it looks MUCH harder to me. And much more expensive! Has he read what is in formula? Yuck. It's great that it's there for those that have medical issues or can't BF for one reason or another, but since you have gone this long..I would not give up now.
Remind him this is a phase of your son's life - when he is two, three, and older, he will have plenty of daddy time.
DS born via unplanned C-section at 40w6d
I agree with you except for the bolded. Lots of people respond better to the baby than a pump. I was not able to pump with my first but I could bf. I respond better this time, but the baby gets more from my breast than I can pump.
ETA: Also, you are working, pumping, taking care of other kids, etc. It's not as if you have endless time with the baby either. By bf when you are with the baby you are helping to maintain your supply.
You have to pick you battles, but bf is very important to me and this is a "battle" I'd choose to fight.
I understand that he wants to help feed his child. I think it's great he wants to help. I do think he should start taking over the feeding of solids, and leave the nursing to you - but adding 1 bottle of formula isn't the end of the world, either.
I just have to ask - did you breastfeed your daughters, and did he ask you to wean them early so that he could bond? If you breastfed and he didn't want to "bond" with them by feeding, I think it's a strange request that just because this LO is male that he needs to be part of the feeding now.
It isn't about him being a male. He did feel left out with the girls too but it was easier...when you only have one kid it is so much easier to spend time with them and feel you know them even if you're not feeding them... by now with three our time is so split. Basically he is realizing that our baby is almost 8 months old and he feels that he doesn't know him and has no bond with him...because he always helps with the older two while I take care of the baby. That is just how it has worked. I guess we need to make more of an effort to change that routine.
I do wish he could be more supportive of my BM but ultimately feel lucky that I have a DH that is so involved with his kids and wants to be helping out more. It is way better than the alternative
Maybe your DH could feed him BM in a bottle first, then you could nurse? Or maybe the other way around?
I will tell you that breastfeeding has caused a lot of drama between my SIL and her DH. They are both pretty miserable right now. He feels left out. She nurses around the clock and will even spend hours comfort nursing to get the baby from crying. They haven't done a thing together since the baby has been born 6 months ago. He also wants "nothing" to do with the baby anymore, because he feels like he's not needed and that SIL just "takes over" anyway. BIL is not a jerk by the way. He just wants to connect with his child and he's struggling to do so, when SIL has him all the time.
I'm not saying you should switch, but I think you need to come up with a solution that works for the both of you. Personally, a healthy and happy marriage will benefit your child more than breastmilk.
I was going to ask this as well...you two need to find a way for you to continue BFing because that is your choice...let him know that you understand his need to bond with his son, and you want to do what you can to help that relationship, but stopping BFing is not an option. Maybe find a daily activity that he and your DS can do together - for me, it was kinda the opposite...DH would always feed DD because I was pumping and couldn't pump and feed and all that jazz at the same time. So I felt left out from bonding with her. To bond with her, we had bathtime together. It was fun, I got to play with her and really enjoy her. Maybe suggest that to your DH.
Maybe also arrange a father/son mother/daughter day...you and the girls can re-kindle your bond, and dad and son can go hang out to work on theirs.
I think its a valid concern, but there are ways for him to bond other than feeding. It just takes a little work.
I know it can be hard for DH's when you're spending lots of time feeding DS. It's great that he wants to bond and spend time with your DS however there are lots of things DH can do to bond with DS besides feeding him. When my DH is home he always gives DS a bath and actually at almost 2, DS prefers bath time with Daddy instead of with Mommy. If you have a baby carrier what about having him wear the baby out for walk in the evenings or the mornings. Once DS is old enough to start solids, DH could be in charge of supervising the meal with DS.
I know for my DH it was harder to "bond" with DS when he was littler and we nursed all the time, however DS at 2 is just as attached to DH as he is to me. We each play a different role for DS, mine just happens to include nursing DS. I think maybe your DH might just need reassurance that even though DS is very reliant on you right now that he will develop a strong bond with your DH. Weaning so DH can form a bond with DS isn't necessary. That bond will develop whether wean right now or nurse through the toddler years.
My DH has wanted me to stop breastfeeding for a while now He thinks it's too stressful for me and takes too much time. I was able to keep up consistently for a long time, but I've been falling short the last few weeks. So, I knew we'd have to introduce formula eventually. That was a really, really hard thing for me to accept... but, I know it's ok. So, we actually introduced very small amounts at a time to ensure DD was ok with it. I started out with 2 oz spread out between 3-4 bottles (since she gets bottles at daycare). Then, I increased it to 1 oz per bottle, then 4 oz spread out between 3 bottles, etc. Now, she's at 2 oz per bottle. I don't need to increase it more than that, because now I can keep up with her needs.
As for my DH - originally, his "bonding time" was bath time. And to this day, he still gives DD the majority of her baths. Since we introduced bottles quite a while ago, he does feed her with a bottle. He was getting sensitive about night time feedings though, since I nurse to sleep. So, I've let him do a bottle instead while I pump.... and he got bored, since it takes her about 20+ minutes to finish a bottle. And, she didn't fall asleep right away like she does when I nurse her to sleep. So, we're back to our normal routine.
I'd suggest other options for DH to bond, and be open to formula, especially if you're already having issues keeping up.