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Baby Showers
mamatotwins0812
member
Baby shower dilemma (my first post)
mamatotwins0812
member
in Baby Showers
Hi ladies. This is my first time on here posting something and I need some advice. My baby shower is going to be hosted by my mom and my cousin (paid for by mom, details are mom/cousin). I am 99.9% certain I let my MIL know of the date about a month ago (she is VERY forgetful). Just yesterday I let her know as a courtesy that the location was changed and that the invites are going out this week. Several hours later she informed me that she has her nephews birthday party that day and why I changed the date?? I replied that I never changed the date, only the location and unfortunately I cant change anything because invites are printed and friends from out of state have tickets booked already. This resulted in a fury from her blasting me for not caring that she or her family cant come to the shower (mind you I know I told her of the date). Regardless, I diverted that crisis by calling DH's aunt and letting her know about the issue, and she gladly said she will change the bday party. Crisis solved.
I later called MIL to let her know this wonderful news and she was happy, yet the conversation quickly took a turn when she started talking about the guest list. (We had this very same issue/disagreement for my bridal shower/wedding also). She said that since the location has changed (now to a pay per preson restaurant mind you), she wants to invite HER cousins (who I know, but am not even close with or see), because she has given the whole family gifts her whole life and this is HER time to get back. I reminded her that this is not how I view things- I am not gift-grabby. I invite people I love to things because I love them, not to get a gift. Here is my biggest dilemma- (I know this is coming because she did it at my bridal shower). She is going to ask how much it costs per person, and offer to pay for the additional guests to come. Fact of the matter that yes, to some degree it is money related (my mom is generous but I get protective over her "having" to spend extra $ based on principal), but mostly I feel that this isnt right. I dont feel that relatives of relatives who DH or I dont speak to should be invited just to get a gift. (Side bar- I went over the guest list last week and told her invites/addresses were being printed so speak now or forever hold your peace). The argument proceeded to tell me that "not everything is about me or DH" and that I shouldnt even know about the shower or have anything to do with the guest list. (Fact of the matter is I do know about it for many reasons, most of because I am going out on bed rest soon as well as have a lot of out of town family and friends to coordinate). What are your thoughts/suggestions on dealing with this?? FYI- I already offered for her to throw a seperate shower a while back because I know she likes to "take control", I have also told her that I would have my cousin email her as I am not involved in any of the details (hoping she could feel involved that way). Help please!
Fraternal twin boys born at 33 weeks 4 days
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Baby shower dilemma (my first post)
If she tries to pull the, "Well, how much does it cost per person? I'll just pay for X myself..," tell her that space is limited and the resturant can not accomodate any extra people. I'd also let her know that while not everything is about me or my hubby, a baby shower honoring me is, in fact, about me.
Start putting your foot down now because things are only going to get worse once your LO arrives if you dont.
Yup. This. Have your DH tell her that it isn't appropriate for her to invite guests to your shower. She shouldn't be bothering you with this. If she really wants to invite people and be the center of attention (because she will be, not you or DH), she should host her own shower.
I usually refuse to participate in ridiculous arguments like this.
I would just say something like, "the guest list is already final." and ignore her calls/emails for awhile.
I was going to recommend this as well. Which I'm sure isn't a lie anyways. Every planned event at a restaurant I've been to does have limited space depending on the size of the room.
she clearly wants this to be all about her, the fact that she feels these people owe HER something and that's why she wants them coming to the shower to give you gifts is just awful. She clearly doesn't want their company, she just wants to be "even." What a sad way to live life!
I really think the mother to be gets to dictate the guest list to their shower (within reason). Some may not agree with this. If the hostesses wanted to add on some guests that you were not as close to is one thing, but for another GUEST to insist on adding other people to the list is not right.
Stay strong and have your dh respond to her emails/calls on this issue.
"Mom, we are sorry you aren't happy, but the guest list has been set and there will be no changes. This topic is closed for discussion."
she is a b!tch. Hold your ground and set boundaries.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
This word for word! Thankfully I don't have to go through this stuff with my MIL, better yet I get to go through it with my Mom who I can comfortably let her know what I'm thinking!.
Just wanted to add my two cents' worth from the POV of the restaurant: the PP is right, it's not a lie. I've worked in restaurants and hotels that host these sort of things, and we prepare for a certain amount of people. Obviously we're aware that the number might change, but it doesn't make it any easier when suddenly extra people show up. So you really shouldn't feel bad about 'lying', because you won't be!
"because she has given the whole family gifts her whole life and this is HER time to get back"
Yeowch. I read that as 'give back', and was about to tell you to politely thank her but assure her you really aren't gift-focused. But she wants to use YOUR shower to 'get back'? Um, no. Get back what, exactly? "I've always given gifts so I should get what I want" ? Please. Let her host her own party, baby shower for you or otherwise, and 'get back' then. And I'm assuming that, like the rest of the world, she has a birthday? Maybe even a wedding anniversary? Or Mothers' Day? Or Valentine's Day? There are plenty of times during the year she can 'get back' and make it all about her. This is not it.
I agree. I also agree with the pp where someone said (to paraphrase) if she's like this now, she'll be worse about the baby, although the best advice I've ever gotten from my father was in the form of a question about my own MIL and a shower she was throwing for me. He said "Is this the battle you really want to fight? Is this the hill you want to die on?" and now every time MIL does something that makes me wonder what on earth she's thinking, I ask myself those questions. It helps me keep things in perspective. On this occaision, yes, I agree, this is a battle you probably want to fight and your hubby should help you out, since it's always easier to hear that sort of thing from your child instead of your child's spouse.
wow, she sounds like a royal PITA. And borderline manipulative and a little verbally abusive.
Is your mom able to take over the communication with her regarding your shower? I would have her or your cousin handle your MIL from here on out with regard to the shower. Tell MIL you have nothing to do with the plans or budget or anything, you are merely the guest of honor.
Geeze. GL with this one...
And the pp is right, you do need to learn to put your foot down and be very, very direct with her. My MIL is a lot like this- in the way that she only hears what she wants to hear and is a huge baby about things, and will lay as much guilt as humanly possible onto everyone around her if she doesn't get her way. It will get much worse once your baby is born, so start learning different ways of being direct, though sensitive (she has feelings too...) and making an effort to let her know from coversations with you that you mean what you say and are not up for arguing over details.
i would totally refuse to discuss it with her. it she brought it up, i would say something like "im not planning the shower, but all the details have been finalized. please accept things the way that they are. if you want to have a separate get together after LO gets here that would be fine."
i would probably also warn you mom that she might not want to answer any calls from your MIL.
AGREED!!!! if my mil was like this i would put her a$$ in place pretty fast...
Oh my...if I didn't know my SIL's weren't pregnant I would have guessed you were tlaking about my MIL...when it comes to the whole gift thing. I hate that so much!
I would keep referring her to your mom or cousin, and say I'm just the messenger...then ask your mom or cousin to contact her. I can understnad being protective of your mom though.
Your husband's mother is very insecure right now. She knows her reign is over -- it's tough. How would it feel. It's a long road and there will be other parties that you will be in control of, and can dictate who is invited.
The daughter's family doesn't have to worry as much because a daugher tends to stay with her parents thru life. A son will eventually leave his family for his wife and children, and that's his new/only priority. Women are better multi-taskers when it comes to nurturing, so we can be good daughters, mothers, and wives, and sisters.
If I were in your shoes, I would give in and invite her relatives. She is proud of you and wants to show you off. If she offers to pay, your mom should graciously accept. and celebrate and have fun.
Trust, there will be other battles to test your will (after the babe is born).