Yes, No, Maybe So

adeller11 · March 2012

My husband and I went on our belated honeymoon over Spring Break, and the entire time he was pointing out cute babies at the airports or talking about our future children, which got me hopeful that he's coming around to the idea of starting to try for kids. He is so back and forth about it, and I have asked him upfront several times about his feelings about starting a family. He is gung-ho one minute and then saying "We can't afford it/aren't ready yet". He has also said on several occasions that if we did get pregnant it would be great, but that he doesn't want us to actually be trying yet. I am confused and need some advice/support. I am ready to be a mommy, and I know he will be an amazing dad, but I am afraid that he will never officially be "ready" until it just happens. Thoughts? Opinions?

biomaj5 · March 2012

My DH has done that, without actually talking about it. We started TTC almost 4 years ago (2 years of that actually trying-we had to take some breaks). He has gone back and forth about IF testing so many times that I have whiplash. We still haven't started, although he's said he'll do a semen analysis soon. Men can be so confusing.

Ms5586 · March 2012

dnh2486:
adeller11:

, but I am afraid that he will never officially be "ready" until it just happens. Thoughts? Opinions?

Just ask him what he wants to accomplish before he has kids, or what would make him feel more ready. Sometimes it's just time.

This. Ask him what he wants to accomplish beforehand (a degree, a big splurge vacation, paying of credit card debt, etc).

magdalina.h · March 2012

We decided that we were going to start trying after being married for two years. We decided that before getting married. So I was "lucky" that I never had to deal with waiting for him to be ready.

caitblum · March 2012

I feel the exact same way. DH sounds ready one minute and then when I start talking about going off BC he seems terrified again. It's very frustrating. I can't wait to see what others have to say about it. My DHs concern is solely financially based. But...if we wait until he thinks we can afford a babe, we'll be too old!!

adeller11 · March 2012

We are literally in the exact same position here. He isn't concerned about whether he can handle it emotionally or anything like that. It is strictly about the funds. (Or at least that is what he says.) We both have good jobs and he goes to grad school at night a couple times a week, but nothing that is unmanageable time-wise. I just feel like he will never give the official "go-ahead".

JHart264 · March 2012

Ha, your husband sounds exactly like me! My husband is so excited to have kids, and so am I, but realistically I know that we aren't ready yet. There are a few conditions that need to be met before I'm okay with us starting to try, but that doesn't diminish my baby fever! I'm always the one saying we need to wait for x,y,z so that we have things like health insurance and a steady income etc before we start trying.

Anyways, my point is, he may have baby fever, like me, but just realize the reality of a baby wouldn't be practical right now. I know there is no right time, but there are definitely times that would be wrong. I'm not sure where you are at in your lives, spring break, so maybe you're still in school too, and he's worried about things like health care, finding jobs, etc.?

scbedi · March 2012

My husband did the same thing. He said he was "scared", we didn't have enough money, etc. So i told him that at my next GYN visit that I would stop the pill. I told him this about 8 months in advance so he could get used to the idea. We are now TTC for a month now and he's loving the "practice"! Good luck!

equinechic · March 2012

OP, that is my story exactly...only he wants to START school (go back for something totally different than his AS degree or what he's been doing for the past decade. Just a few months ago, we agreed to start TTC in Nov (it has to do with the annual cycle at work). But then last week he's decided he wants to back to school for a 2 yr program...my stomach turned! I am 28 and I can hear that clock ticking all the time (esp. since we suspect a CP back in Feb and I was on BC for 11yrs). Ugh! Men...

shoelover1 · March 2012

caitblum:
I feel the exact same way. DH sounds ready one minute and then when I start talking about going off BC he seems terrified again. It's very frustrating. I can't wait to see what others have to say about it. My DHs concern is solely financially based. But...if we wait until he thinks we can afford a babe, we'll be too old!!

This sounds like it came right out of DH's mouth. He can't wait to be a daddy, but always keeps getting nervous that we aren't "financially ready." I think he just is afraid of being nervous-as if once we get pregnant he isn't allowed to have those parent fears (what if I can't provide for my child/what if my child isn't healthy/what if I'm not the best dad).

caitblum · March 2012

Had a chat with DH tonight. One more month of BC for me and then it's go time!

adeller11 · March 2012

I'm not sure where you are at in your lives, spring break, so maybe you're still in school too, and he's worried about things like health care, finding jobs, etc.?

I have spring break because I am a school teacher. He took off with vacation time so we could have our honeymoon. We are financially stable, both working.

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