Need Advice..

hdine22 · March 2012

So, I have read other posts similar to this topic, but my "issue" is a little different - and I've been thinking about whether or not to post, but hey, I need advice!

Over the past month I have noticed my husband increasingly watching porn on his laptop - Honestly, I have never liked the idea of porn, but I have become much more open to the idea of it. My husband and I fought about it one time last year (before we got married) and then it was dropped. I guess I just don't like the idea of him looking at other women, especially while I'm pregnant. (crazy hormonal issues, and overreaction, etc.)

But now I'm unsure if I'm really over-reacting?
Over the past month, I have witnessed him looking at it while I am exercising on the elliptical right behind him- twice this has happened. He acts like he is looking at other things, having other open windows/etc., but I can see what he's doing. It slightly upset me, but then a week ago I was asleep on the couch and woke up (he did not know I was awake) and I saw him looking at pictures of other women online again. Then, most recently, (2 days ago) I had fallen asleep on the couch next to him once more. I awoke to him looking at pictures and watching videos again.

Okay, I know this isn't an issue for many women/men in marriages. Porn is normal to people, and a completely normal thing for men to look at. It has no meaning to them, etc. etc.. and I have tried and tried to come to terms with that. I really don't want to make a mountain out of a mole-hill. That is why I have not said anything to him, and am only seeking advice right now.

The things that really bother me are - for one, I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have wanted sex, and have tried to have sex, made advances, etc. We've had sex one time in the past month. I am frustrated by this! (he knows I am frustrated, and he says he is too - but he says he's "too stressed" a lot of the time to have sex.)

Secondly, I am having body-image issues while pregnant. I'm definitely not feeling my sexiest (as I know many of you can relate) - and I tell him my feelings about that, and he always says I look great, and it is only temporary, etc. But the porn-watching increases these feelings I have ten-fold.

Lastly, I feel genuinely hurt that this is happening RIGHT next to me. Maybe I am over-reacting to this? I am unsure.

My husband is really a great guy (goes above and beyond for me every day), and I would rather not start an argument if I am just reacting out of crazy pregnancy hormones. So, does anyone have any advice/personal experience with this? I'd like to read anything anyone has to say.

TIA!

Tambcat · March 2012

You should start by talking to him about how it makes you feel that he's looking at porn instead of having sex with you. He's obviously not trying to hide it, so there should be no problem bringing it up.

tiffany0486 · March 2012

Well watching porn is one thing but he seems like he is watching it a lot...also its not that you dont want to do things with him which is probably why you are upset more.....I would talk to him and just tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel like you are trying your best to keep him happy and that when you see him watching porn all the time it upsets you....He should understand that all women dont feel that great about their looks when they are pregnant...and that him oogling women with fake everything makes it worse!

hdine22 · March 2012

Tambcat:
You should start by talking to him about how it makes you feel that he's looking at porn instead of having sex with you. He's obviously not trying to hide it, so there should be no problem bringing it up.

I have not yet discussed it with him, because I'm trying to decide if it's worth it. The last time I brought it up (the time I mentioned) he got incredibly defensive, and immediately got angry. So, it turned into an argument, and was eventually dropped. I haven't brought it up, because it has not been an issue until now. I keep thinking I'm over-reacting about it, but you're right. I should talk to him about it and tell him how I'm feeling, and see why he is turning to the porn instead of me. Maybe he feels weird? I know some men do..

Damiensmommy45 · March 2012

You are not alone. I dont want to ask but ....does this stem back from childhood? What I mean is I grew up with my mother openly discussing issues like this. She shouldnt have in my own opinion but she did. Also I was way to young to be hearing about her issues with the men she had in her life. Regardless, it seems that this has forever damaged my opinion on this topic. I know its a normal thing to but the back of my mind always takes the same route. That I should some how be the only naked body that he wants to see. I dont ever want to see other men naked and not to mention it feels like they are imagining themselves in the position of the person they are looking at . Not trying to bring you down, I just want you to know that there still are some of us out there. Not everyone is cool with it though it seems that way

hdine22 · March 2012

tiffany0486:
Well watching porn is one thing but he seems like he is watching it a lot...also its not that you dont want to do things with him which is probably why you are upset more.....I would talk to him and just tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel like you are trying your best to keep him happy and that when you see him watching porn all the time it upsets you....He should understand that all women dont feel that great about their looks when they are pregnant...and that him oogling women with fake everything makes it worse!

That's how I'm feeling too. And I'm sure it's more than I know/see.

Right, because he knows I am completely willing to have sex with him. I will have to think of a way to bring it up without offending him.

Thanks for the advice!

ImThisBabysMom · March 2012

I would feel more self conscious if he was doing it right in front of me. But in our relationship he knows I don't want to see/know about it unless we are looking at it together. Being pregnant and dealing with my body image issues is hard at times but if I saw him looking at other women in a sexual manner and not touching me, it'd be harder. Know he most likely is not comparing you to those women. If I were you I'd tell him how it makes you feel, but understand his feelings and needs too. Just ask him to not do it in front of you.

hdine22 · March 2012

Damiensmommy45:
You are not alone. I dont want to ask but ....does this stem back from childhood? What I mean is I grew up with my mother openly discussing issues like this. She shouldnt have in my own opinion but she did. Also I was way to young to be hearing about her issues with the men she had in her life. Regardless, it seems that this has forever damaged my opinion on this topic. I know its a normal thing to but the back of my mind always takes the same route. That I should some how be the only naked body that he wants to see. I dont ever want to see other men naked and not to mention it feels like they are imagining themselves in the position of the person they are looking at . Not trying to bring you down, I just want you to know that there still are some of us out there. Not everyone is cool with it though it seems that way

Wow, you really hit it on the nose.

My mom has always been a little "too open" about things, and I do believe that is where I got my opinions on porn. As normal as it may seem to other people, I just can't get over it. I feel unappreciated, not good enough, etc.. the list goes on, and I have really tried over the past year or so to get over that. I don't want to hate something that is considered normal, and that is why I don't want to over-react and create a rift in our relationship. He knows how I feel about it, and it just recently became an issue to me again - so I am trying to decide how to handle it, or if I should just drop it and move on, because everything else is okay.

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it.

tiffany0486 · March 2012

why are you going to worry about a way to to offend him when he is offending you! Tell him that you just feel like you are willing to please him and are feeling rejected that he is chosing porn over you! You are pregnant your allowed to have body issues right now and he should just listen and understand! haha thats my philosopy atleast! I would kick my husbands arse if he was looking at porn instead of having sex with me when I was trying too!!

Its one thing if you are not interested in having sex...completly another when you are wanting to!

Damiensmommy45 · March 2012

I wish I could have some incouraging way to give advice. I just know how hard it is and it seem to be a never ending cycle with me being ok with it and then next thing I know Im not ok with it. It breaks my heart and I wish you didnt have to deal with it. It seems that there is so much pressure from the entire world to just get over this that its the "norm" and if you want to be a cool wife/gf that you will enjoy it too. Its not so easy for everyone especially when you grow up hearing how wrong it is . Just keep your head up girl ! Maybe one of these days we will both have the answers we are looking for. Or somehow our problems with our own self image will just simply go away and we wont care about this stuff anymore.

JaiMacreiberts · March 2012

Since his porn habit seems to be interfering with the intimacy in your marriage, I'd say you need to speak up. When you approach him, make sure you use "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Say things like "I'm having self-esteem/body issues while being pregnant and our lack of intimacy is very hurtful." "I feel like you are using porn to avoid being intimate with me." Etc. If you make it about you and your feelings, he might be more receptive and less defensive.

Not saying something is only going to let this fester in the back of your mind and that's just not healthy. You need to keep communication open and honest -- especially with a LO on the way.

Best of luck to you!

laurack · March 2012

I don't care if hubby watches porn, but if he kept watching it when I was right there beside him I'd just say "um, turn that off please it is getting a bit annoying and weird".

JulesFo · March 2012

You should also know that not everyone views it as normal, and that it's okay to feel that way! I won't pass judgement on what others do, but I can say from the viewpoint my husband and I share, it is actually something that causes problems in relationships. He and I have discussed it openly in the past and he feels it's something that every man struggles with, but that doesn't necessarily make it okay. His view (and I share it) is that pornography diminishes when should be shared between husband and wife.

I guess I'm saying it's normal for men to have those desires, but when they start causing problems -- as it seems like it is for you -- they need to be addressed. I don't think you should brush it aside as "being hormonal." Perhaps this has just given you the extra push to really acknowledge how you feel about it. I hope your hubby realizes that if it is an issue for you, it is an issue in the marriage. Remember a lot of men may say "hey, it's all normal and every guy does it," but may feel embarrassed about an actual discussion.

Good luck!

Want a personalized experience?

Need Advice..

Re: Need Advice..

Choose Another Board

Search Boards