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Single Parents
filxoxo
member
Can I rant for a second?
filxoxo
member
So I had a double talk yesterday with the baby daddy. From day one all he could talk about is how much he can't wait to be a daddy and he wants to be there all the time and he loves our LO so much already. I believe him. We're always pretty civil when it comes to things, too. The hard part is that I am blunt and honest and don't care if I'm hurting his feelings (never intentional) and I would go as far as calling myself a b***h. And him, on the other hand, he is a very emotional person. He cries a lot (ew) and overreacts and is very hotheaded.
So yesterday I brought up that 1) I think our daughter should have my last name considering he lives 2.5 hours away and I will be her sole caregiver and 2) he will be paying child support. OH MAN did he lose it. I then became the "meanest person in the world" and I "broke his heart" and made him cry all day... God help me. Well we argued all day. I finally decided to hyphenate our last names to get him to stop crying and it's a fair compromise when it comes down to it since it means that much to him. Then when we discussed child support, he wanted to figure out a way to arrange payments outside of the court and was saying that his parents did it so we could, too. Wrong. Child support is just way more reliable and better. He thinks he is getting f'ed over and is going to be paying way more than me (wrong) to support our child. (Let me throw in that he quit his good paying job two months after I found out I was pregnant because he didn't 'like it' and hasn't been working for 3 months. I've been working 6-7 days a week this whole time saving and buying things. He is broke but still finds the time/money to go out to the bars for 'a couple' with his friends. /mini rant)
Well for the third time now he has implied that keeping our baby was a mistake. This is what he said this time. "If we weren't going to be a family, you shouldn't have even had sex with me in the first place and all of this would be avoided." REALLY? All of this, being dealing with decisions for our baby AKA having this baby, could have been avoided. I have really thick skin, but anytime he says something like that I break down. I would never in a million years even think a thought close to that. I resent him so much already and this baby isn't even born yet. I can't even imagine what the future holds....
BEAN *06/29/2012*
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I rant for a second?
Wow...Let's pop a bottle of sparkling grape juice and "discuss" our exes. Ugh!!! You just have to wonder, right? We were that blind not see what they were? Or, did they manage to completely snow us? Sheesh.
1.) So, your allowed to be a b!tch to him and hurt his feelings but he can't do the same to you. I am not condoning what he said, but it sounds like you have hurt him before with the things you have said, but you expect him to always watch what he says so he doesn't hurt your feelings.
2.) You know he has been excited about being a dad, and by flat out telling him that his child will not have his last name, probably did break his heart. he already knows he will not see your LO as often as you, but he wants to be apart of that child, and rightfully so, it is also his child. If I were him, it would sound to me like you were cutting me off from the child before she is even born. I bet that makes him feel really good.
3.) It takes two people to make a baby. Hyphenating the last name is the first of a billion compromises you will have to make, so get over it. It isn't all about you anymore.
I completely understand taking the appropriate path for keeping a child's father out of the picture if it is necessary (safety reasons, trust, etc.) but it sounds like your child's father has always been generally interested in being a part of his LO's life to the best of his ability. I do not think it is fair for you to make all of the decisions regarding your child, and to automatically push him away. He deserves a chance to be a father to his LO, and you cannot deny him of that right off the bat.
1) Like I said, I'm not a b**tch to hurt his feelings. I'm just blunt. People sugar coat things way too much and if someone tells them the truth, the hard truth, you are automatically a mean person. He has said numerous things to me that should hurt my feelings. I don't care how many times he calls me terrible names or takes low blows. Insinuating he regrets my decision to keep our baby is NOT okay.
2) I'm not taking anything away from him. I've told him from day one he can come see our baby every single day. He can have as much responsibility as he wants and as much involvement as he wants. I'm not sure how when logically speaking, the baby having my last name is the better option is taking away any of his involvement. If he wants to be a father, he can be a father whether they share a last name or not. That has nothing to do with how much he will be involved in her life.
3) I'm obviously okay with hyphenating the last name or I never would have agreed to it. The way he acted was immature and out of line. Thats what I was ranting about. So, I'm already "over it" since I never had a problem with the compromise in the first place.
I don't want him out of the picture. I want him in the picture 100% but he hasn't taken any steps in that direction. He expects everything to handed to him on a silver platter without lifting a finger. I believe he will be a good father because I have a lot of faith in him. And regardless of him not doing anything concerning our child or preparing in any way, I'm willing to give him as many responsibilities and rights as a father as he wants to accept.
BEAN *06/29/2012*
The thing is . . . it takes two to make a baby. Decisions regarding the child are agreed on between the two of you. Just because the baby came out of your vagina, does not mean you make all the decisions. That child belongs to him as well, and you TELLING him what is going to happen is not how it works. You TALK to him about options.
Oh, and there is a huge difference between sugar coating things, and being a b!tch at another person's expense. His feelings do matter, and you would probably have more luck getting your way if you acted like an adult and not a selfish child who wants their way. You are in an adult situation, act like an adult.
Considering you weren't there for the conversation, I'm not sure how you know I "told him" what was going to happen. What I told him was what I THINK is the better option. The decision had not been made (obviously considering the outcome wasn't the same as when I went into the conversation.) I was open to hearing his side, what he thought, and why he thought that way. End result= hyphenated name and we're both happy. The only thing I TOLD him was going to happen, was him paying child support.
But I'm glad you were there for the conversation and he has since apologized for not thinking rationally and overreacting. For just THINKING I was trying to take away something from him rather than realizing that was just my input on a matter we needed to discuss.
Glad I could just vent and not get judged!
BEAN *06/29/2012*
Since I handled this immaturely apparently, I'm wondering how this situation should have been taken care of?
Not asking in a snarky way. Asking honestly. Granted I was only ranting about a specific part of our conversation and there is more to the story than just this bit. But to avoid further situations like this, how would everyone else have handled it..?
BEAN *06/29/2012*
This is pretty much how our conversation went. I have come to him with all the decisions that we need to make and have stated my opinion and why I think that is the best solution for our daughter. I've never once told him what I was going to do and then that is that. I think the reason is turned ugly quick was because it DID hurt his feelings that I wanted to her to have my last name and he, in turn, just tried to hurt my feelings and got mean (which he admitted to just trying to hurt me by the things he was saying.) I never argued against the compromise for the hyphenated last name. I told him I thought that was the best solution, overall.
After our argument I did tell him I needed a day away from talking to him to so he could calm down after the initial "shock" of things and so we could both take a step back and just talk in a civil manner. Which was good because he came back into things apologizing and agreeing that he needs to pay CS because it is for our daughter. In the end, it has all turned out okay. I was just alarmed by the way he reacted, which in his defense I can now see why he got so upset. It still didn't need to come to the level of aggression it did. He tends to just shut down when things don't go his way. Something he needs to work on and I need to understand more.
(Oh, and I called myself a b**tch, not him
I've never called him any names ever because it IS childish and pointless and doesn't solve anything. It only entices the other person to get more nasty.)
BEAN *06/29/2012*
This 100%.
I would never say discuss child support. That is not up for discussion if two parents are not together.
What I was getting at was the way OP said she handled the last name situation. Yes, technically she can do whatever she wants, but that is a really immature and disrespectful way to communicate with the father. He gets an input too, she doesn't just make the rules and tell him how it is.
Since you two are civil towards each other, this is what I would have done.
I would have invited the father over for lunch, and I would have a long, long, long list ready of everything that needs to be discussed. I would also let him know ahead of time that decisions need to be made, so he comes prepared with his thinking cap on, and is not bombarded with this. If he feels more comfortable having a 'discussion' where he gets to provide his opinions on matters, you will probably be more inclined to get the outcome you prefer. If he feels like you are attacking him, he will put his guard up and just be stubborn. I would write down exactly what the two of you agreed on for each issue, so it is in writing. Both of you sign it if necessary.
You also need to tell him over and over and over again that you want him to be involved and be a part of your daughters life. I believe you that you have said it to him before, but part of his defense mechanism during conversations might be that he is jealous. He knows he can come see her whenever, but being 2.5 hours away doesn't mean he can hop in his truck and be right over for her first smile, words, step, etc. He knows he will most likely miss all of those things. You mentioned he has been very excited about being a father, and since he will not be the primary care giver, he probably needs reassurance that he will be in her life, and you are ok with it.
The two of you do have to work together on parenting forever, so make sure you are friendly with him. Don't make it a relationship where all you talk about is things related to the child. If he gets a new job, say congrats. It will make your lives so much easier if you have the best relationship you can possibly have. You don't have to be together to get along. But making an effort to have friendly, co-parenting relationship will benefit, you, him, and your daughter in the long run.
I agree that would probably be the best solution. I haven't seen him in almost two months (he doesn't own a vehicle) so the only time we see each other is when I make the trip to him, which I could have done eventually. I guess I had a moment where I was stressed out realizing how fast our baby is coming and felt the need to get this out in the open before it was too close to our LO's arrival.
I'm realizing more that I'll never know what it's like to be on his side of a pregnancy, especially being so far away. Putting myself in his position, it would be hard to cope not feeling baby move or actually having the baby inside me. I'm so new to this and never thought I'd be a single mother. I appreciate the advice and I need to be more sympathetic than empathic.
He has been looking for jobs though and with every let down I'm encouraging him that it just means something better is on the way. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will all turn out okay. Thanks again for the advice.
BEAN *06/29/2012*
The thought has crossed my mind about him not being active in her life which was a lesser of the reasons I had for LO having my last name. (I didn't mention that as a reason to him.) I've seen father's committed and excited during the pregnancy and once the baby comes, they split. But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Telling him about CS was in the middle of our "heated" conversation. When talking about the last name, he mentioned that if I was going to file for CS then he said she should 100% have his last name. In return to that, I clarified that's not really relevant to CS and that I did plan on going through the court.
I thought the question on our age was more rhetorical. We're both 22. I'm sure that will get a lot of, "Ahh, yep. Young and immature." But regardless to age, I feel it's a hard situation when just trying to focus on what's best for your child. Neither of us have had children previous to this.
BEAN *06/29/2012*