adopt when we can have bio kids? — The Bump

adopt when we can have bio kids?

Hi everyone. I am in my early 30s with a 13mo DD and another baby on the way. Since I had baby #1 I thought I would eventually like to adopt 1-2 children, esp from Korea. I'm Korean-American and my husband is white, and while multicultural marriages are becoming more accepted, biracial children still face discrimination in such a homogenous society. Children born out of wedlock are also looked down upon.

About 6mo ago I met a single mom who had adopted a little girl from China. She said while my intentions are good, there are not enough children to go around to everyone who wants to and is qualified to adopt. I had never heard such a thing, but is this true? I think everyone (qualified - stable income, in good health, at the very least) who wants to become a parent should have the chance, and I'd hate to think I deprived someone of the chance.

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Re: adopt when we can have bio kids?

  • There are hundreds of thousands of children, worldwide, who need loving parents. There is no way your adopting will "deprive" anyone of the joys of parenting. Whoever told you that either has an alterior motive or is woefully misinformed. The only "shortage" I've ever heard of on the adoption front is for healthy newborns, usually of the adopting parents' race. So don't worry, there are plenty of children "to go around."
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  • I agree with the previous poster
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  • I also agree with PP. There are well over 100,000 kids waiting to be adopted from foster care in the US alone and only 30,000-50,000 adopted from foster care each year ( I think people misunderstand the length of the wait time due to the adoption process for "waiting in line", as if you have to wait for years because there are not enough kids to go around.

    I have heard, though, that the process may go more quickly if the potential parents are willing to adopt an older child, one with a disability or other special need, or one with a minority racial heritage. But I don't have any research or official link to back that up.

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    Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!

  • As far as we know, we are capable of having biological children. And, yet, we just adopted our first son. I promise, there was no line around the orphanage for him! We chose to adopt a waiting child rather than a healthy infant since we didn't have a desire to wait in line for a child...but that was a choice we made for us, not for any other waiting family.

     Adoption is supposed to be about providing a family for children and not the other way around. So, if you're an appropriate family that is capable and willing to raise another child...I don't think it's anyone else's business.

  • The Korea adoption program is changing rapidly, as the government has repeatedly stated it wishes to end international adoptions. As there was much embarassment surrounding the Seoul summer Olympic Games when a story was done about Korea "exporting" its children, I personally believe this will come before the winter games in 2018. If a program remains, it will likely be only special needs.

    While there remains a huge stigma for Korean women who choose to be single mothers, there are also increasing efforts to support them in their decision to parent. Add to that a decreasing in the stigma of adoption, and there have been fewer children available for international adoption (although perhaps not as few as the government is permitting to emigrate).

    BTW, most of the children who are adopted from Korea are not bi-racial.

    Personally, I believe the best reason to adopt is the desire to parent a child and build a family, not to "save" a child from a potentially bad situation in another country (not that I'm saying you are, but there are people who do). Adoption, especially international adoption, comes with its own set of issues.

    Were I you, I'd start by educating myself a little more on the realities of Korean adoption before deciding whether is was something you truely wanted to pursue.

  • To start, there are lots of kids who need families.  Most are not infants and have suffered some trauma in their lives, which means that raising them will come with some additional challenges.

    My husband and I never tried to conceive.  We wanted a family, and wanted to share our blessings with someone (or more than one "someone") who might not have similar chances, and decided to adopt the two wonderful boys in my signature.  I don't see anything wrong with adopting a child because you can offer them a better life, provided you are also doing it because you really want to expand your family.  It is important to understand, however, that these children will likely have special needs, if only due to the circumstances that led them to be available for adoption.

    What the woman you spoke with probably meant about "not enough children to go around" was twofold:

     - healthy newborns are "in demand" in the adoption world, in that families wait to be selected by birth families and are, in a way, competing with one another; and

     - countries have policies which affect the number of children that are adopted by foreigners or which regulate the adoption process to an extent that limit foreign adoptions in other ways.

    So, while you certainly can adopt, it's not certain that Korea will be a viable option for you.  I highly recommend you look more into adoption in general so you better understand the different types and what the process entails.  Adoption is very possible, but it's also a commitment that's more involved than just raising a child as your own.  It's a commitment to working with and loving them through any and every issue they may have as a result of their previous trauma, and that's often not an easy task.

    Please stick around, ask any questions you may have, and read some of our old posts.  If you want an idea of some of what's involved, check my old posts, and you'll see everything we went through before, during and after bringing my first son home, and our second process which I'm currently finishing up.  Adopting my boys was the best thing that's every happened to me.  It's also the hardest.  Not only would I go through it all again (I just did!), I'm now trying to help more families in the process (who are stuck because of some of those policies I referenced earlier) find their children.

    We've had several conversations here about people's notions that "fertiles" shouldn't adopt.  It's a topic that keeps coming up, just like the people who think that "infertiles" only adopt as a last resort.  In my opinion, both views are incredibly small-minded.  There are lots of children waiting for families.  If you want to provide a family for one of them, please don't let anyone talk you out of it.  Do your research and decide for yourself.

  • If you genuinely are interested in adopting from Korea, you may want to start looking into the possibility now.  As PP said there's a lot of changes in the Korean program.  That said, two large agencies have openly posted that there's a preference for Korean Americans to adopt from Korea.  (I explored this because my DD1 is Korean American.... and I thought we might qualify as a Korean American family.  Alas they want one parent to be Korean.) 

    Good luck!!  Adoption is fabulous!

    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • The PP is only 5 weeks pregnant. The Korean program will not permit virtual twinning, so she will have to wait until her unborn child is at least a year old before applying. They want at least a year between children. How this will play out with the wait times will be dependant on how long the wait for travel becomes.

    There are agencies with Korean Heritage programs, but there are restrictions as to which agency you can work with based on geography. We found it more beneficial to work with agencies without Korean Heritage programs, based on other aspects.

  • My sister has 4 beautiful girls. Her oldest two are biological and her youngest two are adopted (1 from China, 1 from Vietnam). My sister and her husband are both Caucasian but their race wasn't a factor so I can't imagine you having a biracial family would be an issue at all. Her youngest biological and oldest adopted are only 1.5 years apart in age so she started the process when her DD2 was a baby. She had always wanted to adopt one child and it was a very smooth process for her to adopt. She never planned on adopting another child but after she adopted the first and saw how many children desperately needed homes she and her husband decided they wanted to add another to their family. Her family is so amazing and they try to keep the girls connected with their cultures as best as they can. Her girls truly complete her family and they belong with them. Yes she was able to have biological kids and did but there are still so many kids who need homes and she felt it was the best way to grow her family. All of my nieces are so amazing and I love them so much and I forget they are adopted all the time! I would like to be a foster parent and when DD gets a little older will pursue it further. Good luck with your decision and if you choose to expand your family through adoption there are many children who need loving families (and not enough families out there!)


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  • DH and I always knew we wanted to adopt. We later found out we do have IF issues and may not have bio children so we decided to start our adoption process earlier than we'd thought we would. But we always knew we wanted to grow our family through adoption, regardless of whether we'd have biological children also.

    Me 30/DH 31 Married in June 2003. TTC since 2008. M/c in Nov. 2008. D/x: DOR and MFI 5 cycles of IUI in 2010. IVF #1 in Nov. 2011. ER 11/22. ET 11/25. BFN.
  • That woman is soo wrong.  There are thousands and thousand of children worldwide who are in need of a home.  There are a limited number of newborns, as they are the "prefered" age.  But that doesn't change the fact that older kids are also available and need a family too.  I think if you are in a position to adopt and want to, then you should look into it.  You would be giving a child a good home and forever family.
  • There are over 143,000,000 orphans in the world. That does not include "newborns" who get adopted immediately. Most of those orphans are older (over 1?) and/or have special needs.

    Unless 143,000,000 people step up to the plate tomorrow, there are plenty of children to adopt. Does that mean that you will not have to wait for a perfectly healthy (remember, special needs in the adoption world don't always mean the same thing as it does to you right now) newborn infant, no, but if you are willing to accept a toddler with or without very manageble special needs then you would have the choice of thousands of children.

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  • Thank you for all your advice, it is much appreciated. I think if we adopted from Korea we'd most likely be getting a toddler, and would prefer that to having a newborn anyway. The plan now is to do research during my pregnancy, and start the application and home study process after we feel settled with LO2.
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