Who am I? (long)
Blsd4given
member
Morning, ladies. I've been lurking for a few months... and I think it's finally time to officially introduce myself.
DH and I have been TTC for 2 years. Right now, our family consists of DH, myself, two dogs, and two cats. DH has always been open to adoption. It took me a little longer to come around.. but kicked into full acceptance a few months ago. We went to an adoption/foster care conference a little over a week ago to get more information. During that conference, it became very apparent to both of us that we want to adopt even if I do conceive in the future.
We're obviously in the early stages of selecting an agency. I've read the FAQs on this board for guidance on the process - and have been scouring the internet and government sites. We are looking to pursue Domestic Infant Adoption... We will likely select a Closed adoption, but have not completely settled against Semi-Open. We've discussed age... gender... nationality... race... the level of disabilities we might be able to handle... and the possibility of a birth parent's history with drugs.
We've told our parents and my sister. My dad and sister were very excited... And assured us that they support us and will love the child the same as a biological child. My mom was quiet when we told her.. and text me later that she thinks it's great. She says she didn't say much because my dad said it all. But I think she just needs some time to adjust... and that's ok. DH's dad assured us that biological or not, they will have a new grandchild. His mom seemed equally accepting. We will tell my grandmother in two weeks when we visit.
You may have seen my previous post... But one of my biggest fears was our parents loving the child the same as a biological child. So, it was great that both fathers addressed the concern before we could even mention that it was a concern.
Anyway.. I'm rambling. I look forward to getting to know each of you throughout this process. Please feel free to provide guidance when you see fit. 
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C
Re: Who am I? (long)
I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I've been there and understand exactly all the emotions that are running through you.
We simultaneously were considering adoption and also pursuing infertility treatments. After God blessed us with our two girls just a year ago he didn't lift the burden on our hearts that we need to adopt too. We're in the final discussion stages of pursing the adoption of a special needs girl in Russia.
For me the hardest part about committing to adoption was mourning the loss of a pregnancy. It is so hard to make yourself redefine your normal and your vision of your family. It's hard to be assalted from all angles with the american image of having a baby and focus on the end goal which is to have a child.
Good luck on your journey! I'll keep you in my prayers!
Welcome and GL. We're still in the fact finding stages and pursuing fertility treatments, but we have two cats and two dogs as well.
I know some of the other ladies here can correct me if I am wrong, but I think that you should probably do a little more research on closed adoption. In general, it's not beneficial to the child, most agencies don't do fully closed adoptions any more, and it's usually at the behest of the BM/birth family that the adoption be closed - not the APs.
Ahh.. Ok. We're still learning.
I'm sure we'll learn more as we move along as well. And our feelings on the type (open/semi/closed) of adoption may change along the way as well.
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C
Hello and welcome!
It can be an overwhelming process in getting started with adoption. Especially on the heels of IF treatments of losses, it is a lot to consider.
I would encourage you, as you look an agency or attorney, to keep an open heart about open adoption. DH and I were both very intimidated by it at first, but the more we read and talked to people, the more we've not only come to accept it, but advocate for it. I'd be happy to chat more about it, if you're interested. PM me if you'd like
Agreed. You hit the nail on the head.
And congrats on your adoption. I can only imagine how exciting it must be.
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C
I wanted to say hi and say that it's great that you talked to your family about your decision to adopt. I think some family members - like your mom - sometimes just need extra time. My MIL did, but she loves my daughter very much.
I agree with researching closed/semi-open/open adoption. Like the pp mentioned, most agencies do not do closed adoptions unless it is the birthparents' wish or if the child was a 'safe haven' baby -a child that was dropped off at a hospital.
We were unsure of what we would decide, but the more we learned about open adoption the more we realized it was what was best for our child. It might not be best for every situation, but it was best in our situation. I write about open adoption on my blog (link in my signature) if you're interested.
Good luck to you!
Welcome... I know you are struggling as you make this transition.. but I am here to tell you that adoption is wonderful!!! My parents love my girls like they love no one else.... and it sounds like your parents will too!
RE: closed vs open, I think it's always important to understand how closed vs open is determined. If the expectant mom has a voice in chosing the adoptive family, then it falls to the "open" category. This doesn't necessarily mean visits, etc... it just means she knows where her birth child is being placed. In a true closed adoption, the attorney or agency makes the match and doesn't inform the e-mom.
Open adoption ranges from just knowing first names... nothing more to full on visits.
but let me share the dynamics of one of them. We matched through a law office in Louisiana. The attorney "chose" us for the birth mom. She never spoke with us and no no interest in ever knowing anything about the child. She did know our first names though... and that made it "open" even though she didn't know a single thing about us.
We had several failed matches
IMHO, not remaining open to open adoptions, is really limiting who you work with in the US.
A great resource in understanding some of the psycho/social thought behind open adoptions is The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, PhD.
Ahh.. Ok. I guess I didn't realize that. I do have a desire to have a degree of information for the child - so, if they ever want to look, they'll have a starting point. So, I guess I don't want fully closed. I've thought that it might even be nice to put together a little book of "This is information on your mom. This is information on your dad (if known)." And maybe even, "this a letter from your birthparents" (if they want to).
My fear of open adoption is from ignorance, no doubt. We didn't understand that there were varying degrees of openness in an open adoption. I'm open to education about it.
July - Nov 2011: Testing with OB... OB said everything looks good
March - Sept 2012: Moved to RE.. 4 treatment cycles - responses of one or no follicles
09.03.12: Diagnosed Poor Ovarian Response.. DE IVF only option
Feb - Nov 2012: Pursued Adoption. That door slammed shut.
12.23.12: Surprise BFP (first ever)... 12.25 - 12.31: Natural M/C