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What say ye, BOTB?

bugandbibsbugandbibs member
in Babies on the Brain

(DH and I have a happy marriage.  We are usually on the same page and talk a lot about our financial goals.  Generally, we work as a team and things are normally really good.  That's why I need a little advice.)

MH gets paid every Friday, and transfers everything except for 10% (his personal spending money) into the account we pay bills from.  I do the same thing, but once a month.  We discuss all major purchases from the joint money, but not our personal accounts.

This week, MH didn't make his usual transfer.  After a few days of bugging him about it he confessed that he didn't have it because he lost it all playing online poker.  I kind of just stared at him and told him we would discuss it this weekend.

I don't know what to say to him.  I'm beyond mad, but mostly I'm just really disappointed in him.  We are grown adults, I expect more of him then this.  I don't think he has a gambling problem- just a stupidity problem.  I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to say this weekend, but everything seems lame.  This is serious, but not the end of the world in an otherwise good marriage.

How would you guys deal with this? 

Baby boy H is here! Born 2/1/2014 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Mysterious_wife: "And for the love of all things that sparkle, remove your last name" on BOTB.
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Re: What say ye, BOTB?

  • biomaj5biomaj5 member
    Oh that would infuriate me, even if it was a one time thing. I'm not sure how I would deal with it. We don't have the greatest of communication skills, so it would probably either be ignored or it would turn into a huge fight.
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  • cowgirltucowgirltu member
    I think what would bother me the most is that he wasnt upfront about losing the money.  He was just planning on not telling you if you didnt notice the money wasnt there?  That is b.s.  That would be my first question.  Then I would want to know if this was a normal habit, of playing poker.  How much does he normally play with, or lose.  What was his plan to ensure this didnt happen again.  Was he going to some of his personal money to reimburse your joint acct?
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  • bugandbibsbugandbibs member
    Thanks ladies. These are all some really good questions to help frame out discussion. I'm glad I have a few days to think about what to say so I don't just yell and throw things at him (which was my first impulse).
    Baby boy H is here! Born 2/1/2014 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Mysterious_wife: "And for the love of all things that sparkle, remove your last name" on BOTB.
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  • annibesannibes member

    Have his pay deposited into the joint/bills account until you can get this sorted out. He can transfer his 10% to his own account and it can be monitored. That's what I would do in this situation. Protect the finances and then ask questions. You don't know the scope of this and gambling can become a serious and seriously expensive problem. He's putting you both at risk by being irresponsible. I really hope everything works out for the best- I'm sorry you have to go through it at all! 

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  • kcisthebombdotcomkcisthebombdotcom member

    My DH used to be an avid online poker player, and about a year ago they made it illegal and shut down all the pay sites, so he hasnt played since then. Maybe things have changed recently, but I'd be aware of that.

    Regardless, I think you're underreacting. Losing all of your weekly pay and attempting to hide it is a sign of a big problem. Dont sweep it under the rug.

    I would ask a lot of the questions the pps suggested and check into his finances. I would also demand he stop using those sites if he can't responsibly. If he cant stop I'd seek some professional help.

    GL.

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  • bugandbibsbugandbibs member
    imageKC_13:

    My DH used to be an avid online poker player, and about a year ago they made it illegal and shut down all the pay sites, so he hasnt played since then. Maybe things have changed recently, but I'd be aware of that.

    Regardless, I think you're underreacting. Losing all of your weekly pay and attempting to hide it is a sign of a big problem. Dont sweep it under the rug.

    I would ask a lot of the questions the pps suggested and check into his finances. I would also demand he stop using those sites if he can't responsibly. If he cant stop I'd seek some professional help.

    GL.

    I'm glad I've had a few days to think about it because I don't want to sweep it under the rug.  At least I know he was limited in funds (we don't have any credit cards).  I don't think he was attempting to hide it, so much as he wanted to tell me in person and we don't see each other much Sunday-Thursday because we work opposite schedules.

    I didn't know that pay sites were illegal.  That will be important to bring up.  As far as I'm concerned, these sites will never be allowed again.  I hate to be the wife who checks up on her husband, but I will be monitoring his bank account from now on no matter what.  We already monitor the internet because of DD1, but I may need to be more proactive there too (she's always with me with using the computer, so I don't check the reports too much).

    DD1 is going to a sleepover tonight, so we will be having our talk. 

    Baby boy H is here! Born 2/1/2014 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Mysterious_wife: "And for the love of all things that sparkle, remove your last name" on BOTB.
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