Spanking - Will you or won't you?

magnoliablossom00 · March 2012

Saw this on another board and thought I'd steal the topic to spice things up around here. Do you plan on spanking? If so, when would it be appropriate, who would spank, would you use a spoon, hand, belt? etc.

I was rarely spanked as a child, but when I was spanked, it was out of anger. I don't think it's awful to spank every now and then, but we are not planning on doing it with our children. I remember thinking that my parents had "lost it" when they had resorted to spanking us and resenting them for it.

My husband's family is from a very small town and they spank a lot. DH was spanked with a belt or with a "switch" from outside. Also, his entire family is all allowed to spank each other's kids (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc). That really freaks me out. His parents even made fun of one of the cousin's wives who said that she will not allow any other family member to spank her child. I am OK with people telling my kid to obey, knock it off, put her in time out, etc, but don't ever spank my kid.

Anyway, how do you feel about spanking? How does it work in your family?

kimbo1216 · March 2012

I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.

"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.

A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.

We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

thatgirl84 · March 2012

No spanking here. I am completely honest with my own thought process, and I know I am opposed to it because my father went too far with it. I don't think spanking is inherently wrong, as long as you set limits, of course. I just won't be doing it at all.

Hopefully that made sense. I am only against it in my own family b/c of my own personal history. Not judgmental of others who do it.

hepcats · March 2012

I was spanked a few times as a child when I did something terrible. It made me realize the severity of whatever it was that I had done. I do not have an issue with it at all. I don't think that it's necessary to spank with anything other than your hand. Using an implement seems cruel to me.

That being said, I do think that, often times, there are better ways (not silly time outs) to teach a child that their actions were unacceptable and therefore have consequences. I hope to be able to use the methods I've learned effectively and I hope that Martin is receptive to them. If not, then I guess there'll have to be some spankin' goin' on.

kaitylin · March 2012

DH was spanked by his dad in anger. I was spanked but it wasn't with anger. I will absolutely not be spanking DD. I think there are so many other ways to discipline and for us it won't be one of them. I would absolutely not tolerate anyone else spanking DD even if I was ok with spanking. I don't like the message that it sends that being physical in anyway is ok as punishment.

jellybeanjean · March 2012

kimbo1216:

I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.

"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.

A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.

We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

Absolutely all this + we do spank already. Just on the hands, and it's not all that common, but we do it. If I'm angry at him for whatever reason, he gets put in his crib for awhile; I do NOT spank when I'm angry. At this age (2.5 yrs), he has a very short-term memory, so I can't spank him when we're all calmer...he's not going to associate punishment with what happened ten minutes ago. So if I'm angry, there's no spanking at all.

vigurl · March 2012

I was spanked with a belt or the hand.

I was never spanked in the heat of the moment. It was usually hours after. My prents felt the dread of knowing the spanking was coming but not exaclty when was part of the punishment.

I don't resent my parents for it and I never felt abused.

I will spank LO when necessary.

MommaG123 · March 2012

kimbo1216:
I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.
"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.
A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.
We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

This exactly. Well said Kimbo.

I will add that I also do not want anyone other than MH or I spanking Caroline. I am perfectly fine with other people disciplining her in other ways but no spanking from others.

blainethetrain · March 2012

Neither DH nor I were spanked, so spanking won't be part of our discipline repertoire. We are planning to be a Love and Logic family. I don't want to kick the hornets' nest here, but I never want my kid to think that striking someone is ever a way to solve a problem.

CarlaAndJames · March 2012

kimbo1216:
I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.
"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.
A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.
We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

This. we fully intend to spank. IMO, spanking in't about correcting the immediate behavior. It's about teaching the importance of respecting how important it is when mommy and daddy tell you to do or not do something. That involves more than just spanking, but I do think spanking is a big piece of it.

And I'm not sure about allowing our parents to spank. I can see letting our parents do it, because we were both spanked in a loving, nonabusive manner, but I also remember that the fear was worse than the actual spanking, so a good "We're going to to talk to mommy about this when she gets home" goes a long way! (with a child who is old enough to understand of course)

For those of you who won't spank, I am interested to hear what methods of discipline you do plan to use. Timeouts? Redirection? Something else?

LaceFace14 · March 2012

There is no spanking here. DH and I agreed before kids that we planned to spank. Both of us had a change of heart when we saw how influential our behavior was on DD at a very early age. She wants to eat what we eat, talks how we talk and I expect that she would hit if we hit. I believe in modeling the kind of behavior that I expect from her. That, and I can't honestly see a time when there isn't a more appropriate option.

cfisher2008 · March 2012

I think there are certain circumstances where spanking is appropriate and other situations where other forms of discipline are appropriate.

Not putting toys away =/= spanking offense (more effective to take toys away or not allow more toys until said toys are put up)

Running in the street = spanking offense (because you need an immediate, memorable consequence to running in the street. Time out when you get home won't work because the child won't remember what she did.)

And I absolutely believe that the person watching my child can discipline as they see fit because if I don't trust their judgement to discipline correctly, then I shouldn't trust them to watch my child (::cough cough, MIL::)

I regularly watch my 3 nephews and have since the youngest was a baby. And when I say watch, I mean for weeks at a time during summer vacation, Spring Break, etc, and even during the school year. I've watched them while their mother was out of the country. She gives me the authority to discipline as I need to- including spanking. They are too old for spanking now (17, 13, 11) but I have spanked them as needed.

I would not watch a child that I couldn't discipline. If the parents were against spanking, I wouldn't spank. I would respect that. But letting a spoiled child run around my house, biting me and breaking my things and only saying "wait until your mom gets here!"? Hell no.

blainethetrain · March 2012

As I read these responses, it's clear to me that there is a large cultural component to this topic. A lot of spanking moms are in Texas. I do think it's a lot about where you grew up and if your parents were spankers. Just an observation.

Diver0214 · March 2012

I am still undecided on this topic. I will try not to spank at all and have them respond to a different type of discipline. I agree with PP that they mimic everything you do and don't want her to show that behavior just because we were the ones hitting her. I was spanked as a kid and it was never done out of anger, so if we choose to then it will be done after they have a full understanding of what is taking place.

jcsumm0 · March 2012

I do not plan to use spanking as discipline. I don't have a specific plan in mind of what I will do instead, as I think that will change as she grows and develops and will also depend on her personality as well. Redirection, time-outs, positive reinforcement are all possibilities.

I was never spanked. DH came from a spanking family. We discussed it before we got married and I was very adamant that I would not tolerate anyone else spanking my child and it would not be used as a form of discipline for us.

emilys629 · March 2012

Absolutely not. I believe there are more effective ways to discipline that don't involve striking, fear or pain. DH was not spanked, I was, for the record. And I turned out to be the more rebellious teen. I hear so much about doing it right, walking that line... I just don't know how you can be so SURE you are doing it right because most spankers will admit that it can go too far and be done in the wrong way. IMO the risks outweigh the benefits here.

kaitylin · March 2012

We will also figure out which specific discipline tactics work at each age. When she is very young, diversion, showing her what she can do if she's doing something she can't. If she is throwing a tantrum, I will probably pick up a book and read until she has settled down and then once she's calm tell her that she needs to talk to me calmly or she won't get a response. We will definitely do rewards charts (points for good behavior, lose for bad behavior) and we will reward positive actions. I am hoping to try to discipline without having to spank or lose my temper but will try out different techniques depending on her developmental stage as time goes on.

My mom would scream at me when she was mad. My dad would walk into the other room for a few minutes and then come in and talk to me and tell me he was really disappointed in my behavior and would talk through the situation calmly with me - no yelling. I always felt terrible after talking to him and wanted to change my behavior because I felt bad for letting him down (and he was so nice to me the whole time but just explained his reasoning in being upset). When my mom yelled, I zoned it out and just felt angry back (I didn't think about my actions because I was too busy feeling angry too). For me, the calm and reasoning style of discipline my dad had worked way better and that's what I hope to accomplish with DD. I have a GREAT relationship with my dad as a result. I get yelling if your kid is running out into the street but then follow it with a hug. Spanking just seems completely unnecessary to me - kids can be punished in other ways (take away toys, lose privileges, or redirect behavior so they can learn how to direct that energy.) I see no benefit in making your child fear you to discipline them. Do you really want your kid to not throw a tantrum because they are scared of you? I want my DD to not throw a tantrum because she understands it won't get her what she wants and for her to learn other ways of communicating with me.

LowTalker23 · March 2012

We will spank when/if needed. I have absolutely no problem with it. I was spanked as a child, but as the third born I didnt have to be spanked often because I watched my brothers being spanked. I learned quickly.

butterfly62682 · March 2012

kimbo1216:

I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.

"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.

A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.

We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

Exactly this! Very well said.

MrsPBNJ0220 · March 2012

I will not spank any children I have. I think a portion of it is being spanked out of anger when I was younger. But I also never understood why my mother would get upset with me and tell me "Wait til your dad gets home I am going to tell him". I feel like children have a short term memory in a lot of aspects and I think when they do something wrong it should be dealt with then. So unless you can control you anger 100%, I think it's crap to spank 1, 2, 4, etc... hours later.

I do think spanking sends the wrong example that you don't use violence. I try to think about children as just as much a person as me. There is a lot as an adult that I don't know, whether it's picking up a new hobby or if I got a new job that I had never done before. I feel as if that is somewhat the equivalent to a child not knowing better. I try to think do I want to be hit or made to wait hours to know what I did wrong, I don't think so. I stress about a lot and I know at my old job when my boss would send me a letter saying, I need to talk with you later in private, obviously I assumed I had done something wrong and as an adult it was torture. I would never want to do this to my children. Again that is just me and I am not bashing anyone who does feel this way, this is just the way I feel!

ajc0121 · March 2012

We will NOT be spanking. I do not think its appropriate. I was never spanked as a child. There are many other (more effective) forms of discipline that we will use.

Ugh, the thought of it gets me all riled up. I am not even sure why.

MrsPBNJ0220 · March 2012

CarlaAndJames:
kimbo1216:

I really hate this topic, but here I go anyway.

"Spanking" out of anger =/= Spanking. That's hitting.

A spanking should be done as a form of punishment not in the moment of anger. I was spanked. Not often, but it happened. My mom almost always did the spanking. It was never as a reaction in the heat of the moment to something done wrong. If we were to get a spanking, it would be after everyone was calmer. We would go bend over the bed (the spanking spot, lol). Then my mom always held/hugged us after. I do not feel abused in the slightest and to this day still have the utmost respect for both of my parents.

We will spank, properly, if/when necessary.

This. we fully intend to spank. IMO, spanking in't about correcting the immediate behavior. It's about teaching the importance of respecting how important it is when mommy and daddy tell you to do or not do something. That involves more than just spanking, but I do think spanking is a big piece of it.

And I'm not sure about allowing our parents to spank. I can see letting our parents do it, because we were both spanked in a loving, nonabusive manner, but I also remember that the fear was worse than the actual spanking, so a good "We're going to to talk to mommy about this when she gets home" goes a long way! (with a child who is old enough to understand of course)

For those of you who won't spank, I am interested to hear what methods of discipline you do plan to use. Timeouts? Redirection? Something else?

It sort of depends on the age. I don't believe popping the hand is spanking, and that will be done until DS can actually get what No means and when certain avenues will really mean anything to him. I suppose it does depend on the age, but it will be a variation of Timeouts, Redirections, Taking things away, No luxury whether it be dessert, tv, or late bedtimes, Talking to them and trying to have them understand, anything along those lines. Like I said I think it will sort of depend on the age and my DS personality, I think as time goes on I will learn what gets through to him and what does not.

Sunidaze · March 2012

I don't know that we will. I am beginning to fear that I am going to b e a major pushover with this kid, leaving DH to be the sole disciplinarian. I don't know. We got the belt when I was a kid. Good times. Not.

MrsPBNJ0220 · March 2012

ajc0121:

We will NOT be spanking. I do not think its appropriate. I was never spanked as a child. There are many other (more effective) forms of discipline that we will use.

Ugh, the thought of it gets me all riled up. I am not even sure why.

Ditto this, granted mine is because I know how badly I was spanked as a child!

klv · March 2012

cfisher2008:
I think there are certain circumstances where spanking is appropriate and other situations where other forms of discipline are appropriate.
Not putting toys away =/= spanking offense (more effective to take toys away or not allow more toys until said toys are put up)
Running in the street = spanking offense (because you need an immediate, memorable consequence to running in the street. Time out when you get home won't work because the child won't remember what she did.)
And I absolutely believe that the person watching my child can discipline as they see fit because if I don't trust their judgement to discipline correctly, then I shouldn't trust them to watch my child (::cough cough, MIL::)
I regularly watch my 3 nephews and have since the youngest was a baby. And when I say watch, I mean for weeks at a time during summer vacation, Spring Break, etc, and even during the school year. I've watched them while their mother was out of the country. She gives me the authority to discipline as I need to- including spanking. They are too old for spanking now (17, 13, 11) but I have spanked them as needed.
I would not watch a child that I couldn't discipline. If the parents were against spanking, I wouldn't spank. I would respect that. But letting a spoiled child run around my house, biting me and breaking my things and only saying "wait until your mom gets here!"? Hell no.

I totally agree with this