help me gain some perspective

mathteacher · March 2012

My MIL is very different from my parents. So I feel maybe I'm unfairly judging her.

If you had someone stay at your house for 12 days do you think it is fair for them to help out a bit? My MIL never once helped cook a meal, offered to take us out to dinner, got my girls a snack to eat, got my girls a glass of water or a cup of milk. She just had me feed her three meals a day everyday!

My parents are so different, when they visit they help plan every meal. They are either in the kitchen helping me cook, cooking the meal themselves, playing with the girls so I can cook uninterrupted or take my family out to eat.

I am exhausted after my MIL's stay. My husband goes to work all day so her care falls on me.

What is normal behavior for a 12 day stay?

jlw2505 · March 2012

I think this answer will vary a lot. Like your parents, my parents are very hands on when they come visit us - they take over my kitchen sometimes and it gets to the point where my DH is begging them to let him cook (I don't cook!). They jump in and play with my kids and all of that stuff. If we visit them, they also do a ton with my kids and still cook and take us out and all of that stuff. When I was on bedrest, my mom ended her vacation early and moved in with us for the time I was on bedrest, the 1 week after and the week and a half after DD#2 was born. They live out of state. My ILs live 10 mins away and never lift a finger when they are at our house. My MIL does do more when she goes to my SIL's (her daughters houses) so I always wonder if its just that is my house type of thing. When I was on bedrest she never even called me or offered to help with my older DD or anything - even before she knew my mom was coming to stay - heck, I don't think she even called to check on me but that is a whole different issue. Bottom line is that I don't let it bother me - I would never put myself in a situation where I had to spend that much time with my ILs in the same house and I don't even think I could handle having my own parents come and visit for that long staying in my house. Last story - when I was very pregnant with DD#1, a month before my due date, I hosted, with my other SIL, a couples shower for my other SIL. DH was also a host. We had another shower for SIL that morning as well. We had all the food brought in so I just had to clean my house which DH did most of - it was May and hot and I couldn't even put shoes on my feet were so swollen. ILs were at the party along with DH's aunt and the parents of the groom and then a bunch of couples/friends. I didn't really know many people and was just doing the host thing, making sure the food was out, everyone had drinks, etc. At the end of the night, I was in a ton of pain and my MIL was just sitting there watching me clean up (with my DH, his aunt and SIL helping). I clearly remember MIL looking at me at one point and making a comment about how big and uncomfortable I look and that I seemed really tired. How I didn't make a comment that day, I still do not know.

shouldbworkin · March 2012

My MIL runs the gammut. She will sometimes act like she's on vacation when she visits - sleeping in until 1 pm, not lifting a finger, letting us pick up the tab for everthing, etc. I have learned to have DH set out expectations in advance, otherwise I send my kids to camp/school the whole time she's hear and let her have her vacation so that I'm not too overburdened with the care of her and my kids. I don't mind stocking my fridge for her and adding one to dinner, but I've learned over the years to keep things simple with her. If we want to get take out or go out, I know it's on us, so we mostly eat at home. She doesn't care if we don't go anywhere special. And, I try to make sure DH asks her to watch the kids one night so that we can get out alone.

My parents are local, so it's so different. I have them over a lot, they watch our kids a bit and they take us out to dinner every once in awhile. It works for us, but is easier b/c they're not here for a long stretch of time. When I visit my parents in FL, I certainly don't act like I'm a house guest, though.

MaxandRuby · March 2012

I think a good guest in general, no matter how many days they are a guest, should be asking if they can help out - if they really want to or not.

In the future, I'd just point blank as her to help. "MIL, could you set the table for me please?" "MIL, will you watch so-and-so so I can clean up the kitchen?", etc.

Sometimes people just have to be asked (like my parents). It will help keep your stress level down vs being disappointed when your expectations are not met. Seriously, this happened with my parents when DS1 was born. It got ugly and I learned my lesson and now they are asked.

2Gma · March 2012

Kudos to you for letting your MIL stay with you for 12 days. There is no way I could handle that! No wonder you're exhausted, you had an extra "kid" to care for!

I don't think you're unfairly judging her. IMO, any guest that is staying with you for any length of time should at least offer to help. Giving her the benefit of a doubt its possible she didn't know what to do or even if you wanted her to help so perhaps she was trying to stay out of your way. My parents don't visit often and when they do I have to specifically ask them to do something. They are glad to help...my mom has made comments she just doesn't want to overstep her bounds. My MIL lives 15 mins away and doesn't come over often (they expect us to bring kids there, a whole other issue). When she's here (she offers to come babysit so I can get something done) she'll sometimes offer to assist but other times expects to just come over and play and not help out with any of the kids' needs if I'm here. Most of the time I find her "help" not worth it.

I would try having DH talk to his mother about guest expectations before the next visit so that way everyone can enjoy having Grandma come.

EastCoastBride · March 2012

You've already been given some good advice. I want to ask, though, why she was there for so long, and why your DH didnt' take some time off while she was there? I ask this from the POV that if it's not important enough for him to take time off, maybe her visiting for such a long time isn't so important either....

MrsStubbs · March 2012

Yes, to me that is strange. My mom will come for the weekend and always offer to help to something, most times I don't let her because she takes care of us when we go home.

JenninMA · March 2012

That sounds like a nightmare visit. My parents wouldn't come visit for two weeks, but if they were up for the weekend they'd absolutely help out with meals, clean-up, and the kids, and they'd either take us out to dinner or pick up some take-out. Did your husband expect you to cater to his mother for two weeks?

Angela814 · March 2012

MaxandRuby:
I think a good guest in general, no matter how many days they are a guest, should be asking if they can help out - if they really want to or not.
In the future, I'd just point blank as her to help. "MIL, could you set the table for me please?" "MIL, will you watch so-and-so so I can clean up the kitchen?", etc.
Sometimes people just have to be asked (like my parents). It will help keep your stress level down vs being disappointed when your expectations are not met. Seriously, this happened with my parents when DS1 was born. It got ugly and I learned my lesson and now they are asked.

I completely agree. My mom would have been offering to help or would have just stepped in and helped. My dad would play with the kids, but I'd probably have to ask him if I wanted help with anything else.

sunandsand · March 2012

We have a hard time just Getting her over here. She only comes twice a year and she has stayed over once, maybe twice, in our 7 years together. My 2 SILs live here too so she is often with them. She would never cook here but she would watch a kid so I could.

surprise3rd · March 2012

seems odd to me. Like many said, when my parents visit (my in-laws have both passed, sadly) my mom and dad help all day with the kids, laundry, etc. They love to pick DS up from school, take them out, take us all out to eat, etc. I do think it is odd that she wasn't helpful in the least.

Jena503 · March 2012

My MIL is very hands on and searches for things to do. I have to give her tasks or she'll find something.

She doesn't cook, but she does take us out several times when she stays (she stays 2wk to a month) She will take the kids to the park for hours on end to wear them out and let me get stuff done.

But honestly, when she leaves, all my laundry is done and my underwear is folded (and I do not fold underwear). All my cat litter boxes are clean. And the floors will be well swept. She is uber-helpful.

I give you props for not whacking her upside the head with a frying pan.

springfallwed · March 2012

I totally agree that it depends on the person. My MIL was actualy just at my house for 4 days/3 nights. I work FT, but DH was there when she got there; he said she walked in the door & started doing laundry, getting dinner started and cleaning whatever she could fine. While she's there, she takes over the kitchen, the cleaning, laundry (folding/hanging), deep cleans my floors and does all care for DD (5). The only thing she won't do, unless asked (like if we are going to be gone) is feed the dogs. Literally, she even makes all of the beds in the mornings. She's an uber clean person, I'm a bit not so; not that we live in filth, we're just extermely busy so things don't get done. I honestly love when she comes, as it allows me to just sit back some; which I know makes me sound selfish. Even when FIL comes with her, he ALWAYS cleans off our front porch.

Before my Mom passed away, she was much the same way, though not as much with the cleaning (apparently where I get the gene). But she & Dad would work on the laundry & she would take care of DD.

It does just depend on the person, but I would have a really hard time with her being there for 12 days and not doing anything.

AviatorJJ · March 2012

a mother in lawy staying 12 days doesn't sound normal to me!

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