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Blended Families
ohyeahdollface
member
I need help blending my family.
ohyeahdollface
member
How would my husband and I start the process of fighting for visitation rights of my step-daughter who lives out of state?
My step-daughter's mother is currently working on increasing the child support we pay, but will not allow DH any contact with her. Via phone, or in person. We are more than willing to pay for all flight costs in connection with transporting my step-daughter here to stay for a week or so at a time, a few times a year, but she will not allow it.
I really appreciate any help I can get.
We want time with E so badly, but can not get on the right track as to how to make it work.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I need help blending my family.
Lawyer up and fight like hell. If a daddy really wants their daughter, they will get a lawyer who specializes in this ang fight for her.
Really take a good hard look at why he wants to do this. Make sure it's for the right reasons and not just because he's pissed off that she is not allowing visitation.
Why is BM so adamant about not allowing you contact? Is there anything (legitimate or otherwise) that would give her reason to do so? There must be a reason why it's not being allowed now. Is it because he didn't fight hard enough when the original CO was put in place? Is there even a CO?
Just some things to think about - you don't have to answer me here. It's just things you as an SM need to recognize and see and advise your DH about. And I stress advise. You say I need to blend my family but this is his battle to fight. Don't do all his work for him. Many SM's fall into that trap of handling all of DH's business and then resent their DH. Don't become that SM.
One last thing to consider. Just because she's been a witch - I suggest strongly that you do not do the same to her. Request a fair and reasonable custody and/or visitation that you both can agree on and live with. If your DH is reasonable and not being petty and demanding extremes, he's likely to win and get fair custody or visitation.
Good luck.
This. All of this.
Sorry for posting and running yesterday,
They have been split since March of 2009.
He last saw her September of 2011.
He gets maybe a phone call ever 3-4 months. (He calls every Sat at noon, and every so often she will answer).
We have been together since May of 2010.
He moved out of state Jan of 2010.
When he gets frustrated at our attempts going no where, I remind him that he should have handled this all before he left. His response is, "I did not think she would make a huge deal of it." Which is not a proper response.
She thinks that if we were to get a hold of E for a few weeks at a time, that we would never bring her back. Which is not true. Although we feel we could provide more stability for her, we would settle for a few weeks of the year.
Why did your H move out of state? I agree that you should not be the one intiating or coordinating all of this. I think it is your H's responsibility to put out half or more of the effort in contacting a lawyer, etc. I am a little confused on why he didn't square away visitation before he moved. None the less I'm certain any reasonable judge would allow him phone contact weekly and visitation during school breaks. Assuming there isn't any documented problems from the past.
However because she is only five it seems like your H would need to fly over to drop and pick her up. Also maybe you guys should first go visit her in her town for a few visits so she can get comfortable with you before she makes a trip out to stay at your house?
And of course you know that you would need to find a lawyer familiar with the laws in the state where your SD lives. That is where you need to file for visitation. You can probably do stuff over the phone sometimes but your H might need to make the trip over there for some proceedings?
Your H is going to have a tough time and IMO has put himself in a really bad position. If he fights he will most likely get court ordered phone calls and visitation but he will be responsible for all of the costs. He needs to start documenting his attempts at contact and visitation with his daughter because right now it doesn't look good on paper for him. He moved away from his child without an agreement on visitation with BM and it doesn't look good that he starts to fight to see her only when BM starts asking for more child support.
And if he can't prove repeated attempts to see or talk to his daughter since September.....that's just not a good position at all. And he does need to be attempting to SEE her not just call. My friend stripped her ex's parental rights away and her DH adopted her DS because BF never flew out to see his son for 2 years. Yeah he called every month on his alloted time but he never made the effort to see him and the court was not happy.
IMO it is a really bad idea to ask BM to pay for any transportation costs at first. After he has established visitation and contact maybe but even then I highly doubt he will get it.
You need legal advice / help.
This board is great for 'blending' advice, however, you are nowhere near that point.
If your DH wants to see his DD he will have to fight in court for that to happen.
Stand back and see how he does with this. At least that way you know whats in store if, God forbid, you guys ever seperate.
It doesn't seem like to date he is that pushed if he sees her or not. Personally I think a man should have all his ducks in a row BEFORE he gets married.
If my DH told me he had a child he moved away from and had no real contact with I would have run away - really fast.
DONT make the mistake of rushing in and doing all the hard work for him. If he wont fight to see her he dam well wont do anything for her when she is with you. You will be planning, scheduling and babysitting.
I speak from personal experience when I tell you that this is the fastest road to frustration and resentment.