Emotional breakdown at the grocery store (my loss mentioned)

ct103 · March 2012

*Warning: this post gets very sad, my loss mentioned in great detail.

It's been a while since I've felt this sad. I just miss my angel baby so much. It occurred to me today that I've forgotten how far along I would be if I hadn't lost her. Third tri for sure, I know that much. She would be moving and kicking away. We have no idea if she was a girl, it was just a strong feeling that DH and I had during her short 7 week stay. I know I should be happy that I'm moving forward and I've been so positive about the future lately. But right now, I'm just sad and guilty that I'm forgetting her. All of this hit me in the grocery store.

I like thinking about her in heaven, meeting my grandparents. But sometimes I prefer to think that her soul went back into my ovaries and she's waiting for another more viable fertilization. I don't know. Either way I just hate that she's gone. It's not fair, she didn't even get a chance to see the world.

I'm trying to figure out what the trigger was today. I had a great day at work, and there weren't any children or Pg ladies at the grocery store. Maybe it's the fact that the Pg ladies in my life either had surprise BFP's, or achieved their BFP on the first cycle TTC. It was just so easy for them, and now they're living in pregnant lady bliss. I'll never get to have that.

I used to think it would get easier once my EDD is over. But now I worry it will get worse. After that I won't imagine her in my belly anymore; I'll imagine her face instead. I think I'm gonna request my EDD off from work; make it a day to honor our lost daughter.

Thanks for listening. No point to this post, just letting it all out to you ladies. You're the ONLY people in my life who understand, and I love you all for it.

VikingQueen · March 2012

((huge huge hugs))

edinger3 · March 2012

I'm sorry all of those feelings hit you at once. I still think about the little girl DH & I lost. I too worry about how I will feel when my EDD arrives. I hope by the time you read this post, you will be feeling a little better. (((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))

CCline09 · March 2012

I am so sorry. I just had my miscarriage and I am struggling greatly with depression. Your post was oddly comforting as it seems like it is 'normal' to feel this depression and to feel it for quite some time.

I am just so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for all of us to have to endure such a painful thing.

Elle jM · March 2012

((big HUGS)), I don't know what it is about this week, but I'm having a tough time too.

panacea05 · March 2012

I'm sorry you're sad today. My first EDD is 6 days after yours, and I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. Just thinking about the month of June makes my stomach turn.

So many ((hugs)) to you. Hoping tomorrow's a happier day.

MandaBug0723 · March 2012

I'm so sorry you had to experience all of that while at the grocery store. I wish I could give you a warm, comforting hug. I like the idea you had of taking you EDD off. I had 2 m/c's in 2009 and my second one was horrific! I was due Feb. 2010 and I should have taken the day off. I had a huge break down at work. I ended up leaving early. The sadness that overwhelmed me that day was incredible. It was aweful. Yet, it was somewhat healing. This past Feb was also hard, because my baby would have been 2.

If you feel as though taking that day off is the right thing to do, do it!! Use it as a day to celebrate her short time with you, and grieve more if you need to. It will do wonders, I am sure. I regret not doing the same.

Take care hun, and keep your chin up!!

GatorBaby2012 · March 2012

((hugs))

paisleybaby33 · March 2012

I am so sorry that this hit you like a train today. It's those days, when you are least expecting it, that hurt the most. There may have been no trigger, I truly think that our minds and hearts tell us things that we didn't know we were thinking, but deep down are there. Be good to yourself, do something nice for you tonight or tomorrow. I think so often us TTCAL girls can be so hard on ourselves. We shouldn't be. Hang in there.

Praying tomorrow's sunrise brings a new day of peace for you. (((HUGS)))

bananers · March 2012

I can relate to almost everything you wrote. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but hopefully it's some small consolation knowing you're not alone. ((hugs))

hrgunasekera1 · March 2012

(((big hugs)))

ct103 · March 2012

I've said it before and I'll say it again... you ladies are amazing.

You are literally the only ones I can talk to like this (besides DH, but for men it's just different). It brings tears to my eyes the amount of support I can get from all of you. Lots of love.

I've made myself some alfredo pasta, salad, and there's red velvet cake for dessert. Definitely comfort food, and this combined with your love makes everything so much better!

blessedhope · March 2012

so sorry ((HUGS))

FreyaWin2382 · March 2012

I am so sorry honey.

(((HUGS)))

peloquinJ · March 2012

I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I hope you feel better soon; I know you have been through a lot lately. I wanted to say that what you are talking about for your EDD sounds like what I did. I really felt a great sense of relief at that point and just tried to enjoy the day. ((hugs))

LEP424 · March 2012

((Hugs)) from one June Bug Momma to another. I agree, it's getting a lot more difficult again. You mentioned thinking alot about your LO in heaven... I've been having very vivid dreams about newborns...must have to do the "should have" thoughts. Hang in there.

kiki4 · March 2012

((HUGS))

Missuskeekers · March 2012

((hugs)) I know it can be so rough. There are certain places that I go like my hair salon, where I think "Last time I was here I was pregnant".

TA110980 · March 2012

I'm so sorry, CT. I find that these emotions come in waves and the trigger is rarely clear. For me, part of it is the suppression of trying to stay positive, move on and not dwell on things...then out of no where - BOOM - big emotional outburst. In public, in private, doesn't matter.

I also share your fear of things not getting easier beyond the EDD. I can only hope that I'm pg by then, but I sense that may not be the case. We're leaving for a trip 2 days after my EDD, so I don't' know if this will be a nice distraction or if I'll be the raging lunatic in seat 32D.

Didn't mean to make this about me. The point is, you're not alone in feeling this way. We're here for you. {{HUGS}}

Allycat11 · March 2012

ct103:

*Warning: this post gets very sad, my loss mentioned in great detail.

It's been a while since I've felt this sad. I just miss my angel baby so much. It occurred to me today that I've forgotten how far along I would be if I hadn't lost her. Third tri for sure, I know that much. She would be moving and kicking away. We have no idea if she was a girl, it was just a strong feeling that DH and I had during her short 7 week stay. I know I should be happy that I'm moving forward and I've been so positive about the future lately. But right now, I'm just sad and guilty that I'm forgetting her. All of this hit me in the grocery store.

I like thinking about her in heaven, meeting my grandparents. But sometimes I prefer to think that her soul went back into my ovaries and she's waiting for another more viable fertilization. I don't know. Either way I just hate that she's gone. It's not fair, she didn't even get a chance to see the world.

I'm trying to figure out what the trigger was today. I had a great day at work, and there weren't any children or Pg ladies at the grocery store. Maybe it's the fact that the Pg ladies in my life either had surprise BFP's, or achieved their BFP on the first cycle TTC. It was just so easy for them, and now they're living in pregnant lady bliss. I'll never get to have that.

I used to think it would get easier once my EDD is over. But now I worry it will get worse. After that I won't imagine her in my belly anymore; I'll imagine her face instead. I think I'm gonna request my EDD off from work; make it a day to honor our lost daughter.

Thanks for listening. No point to this post, just letting it all out to you ladies. You're the ONLY people in my life who understand, and I love you all for it.

((HUGE HUGS)) My due date was 2 days before you and experienced a natural m/c a few days before, so I am at about the same point as you in terms of time line. I also think it will get even worse after my EDD...but only time will tell.

KacyChicago · March 2012

ct103:
I used to think it would get easier once my EDD is over. But now I worry it will get worse. After that I won't imagine her in my belly anymore; I'll imagine her face instead.

Yeah ... This got me. I haven't even thought that far yet, and I'm sorry you had to. I am so, so sorry it all hit you today. Sometimes, it just happens, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Thinking about you!

juttek30 · March 2012

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. But, I think that you dealing with it head-on is probably better in the long run than trying to move on too quickly. I hope your alfredo pasta and red velvet cake totally hit the spot.

T&P.

funny bunny · March 2012

*Hugs*

Reading this makes me sad. It also reminds me that I am not alone in my emotions, and neither are you.

Sometimes absolutely nothing needs to happen in order for a memory of my baby to be triggered. It just happens. There's nothing I can say to make this go away, or get better. I know, just like you, that time will heal this wound but I will always have a scar in my heart from this.

All we can do is pray that our next baby will be protected by his or her angel sibling.

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