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Single Parents
Can't believe this is happening...
After 5 years of marriage, FIVE FREAKING YEARS....he decided that he is leaving me and our 3 month old son. I'm so lost. We had a few problems before DS was born but nothing major. I had a very traumatizing birth that included my heart stopping on the operating table, he was super supportive and helpful during my recovery. The perfect dad and loving husband. I had a bit of PPD but I am better now, I love my son dearly but can't help but think that having a baby changed everything. Ex's reason for leaving is because he "just doesn't want to be married."
I work part time - 31 hours a week, my mother in law plays 'nanny' for 3 days of the week. I work from 3pm-8pm, I have no idea what I'm going to do in regards to childcare now.
How the heck am I going to tell my parents?!? They saw ex as the perfect son they never had.
OLD NESTIE///NEW NAME
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Re: Can't believe this is happening...
I hate to say it but sometimes when it's that sudden of a "I want out and don't want to be married anymore" there is often someone else. Could you suggest going to counseling together for at least a month or two before calling it quits. Even if you guys need to stay in different rooms during that time or different houses. Maybe just tell him that you want to make sure that when it's all over you can both say that you did everything you could. I can tell you though, if he has found someone else he will probably say no to counseling. I would think that your MIL will still help you for childcare. If not, then you will be able to find a nanny who could help you with your hours. What hours does your ex work? Most daycares in my area close at 6pm and then couldnt' your ex keep the baby from 6-8 every night?
Telling your parents. . .that will be very hard but if you are close to them you are going to need their support. If you guys have a good relationship they are going to want to be there for you and may be able to offer you some really great advice. They may be angry with him at first but he will probably still be in their lifes for a very long time.
If it ends up really being over cling to those around you that you know love you. . .you will need them more than you could possibly know. Also, get yourself in counseling as well until you feel strong enough to stand on your own two feet and hold your head high again.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Same thing happened to me when my son was a year and a half old. A week after I moved out I found out that he was seeing his coworker. I think it's pretty safe to assume they had either an emotional or physical affair. That was about six months ago. He is still with her.
I am so sorry to say but most likely it is another woman. It is rare for a man to leave his family if he doesn't have something else lined up. Especially to leave you with such a young child.
I am so ANGRY. Here I am trying to work full time and take care of my son all week long. It blows. I have to figure out how to get my son to daycare and get to work every day. Do you think my ex gives two sh!ts about that? No. What he wanted me to do is live right next to him and give him and his girlfriend 50/50 custody of my son. F him. I finally got a court date in a month so hopefully all goes well. My lawyer isn't concerned. Right now ex is getting 30% time and my lawyer feels that is standard and doesn't expect the judge to change that especially since we live almost two hours away from each other. I moved to another city because that is where my mom and sister live.
I am going to therapy and was on anti anxiety meds for several months because I was so distraught I couldn't even sleep at night. Time definitely is a healer. I am not as distraguht and angry as I was a few months ago. I have gone throug the healing process, which you have to. A split like this is compared to someone dying. You have to go through all the emotions to come out on the other side. I am gradually starting to accept my new normal and trying to move on with my life. Best of luck to you and these boards are very helpful.
I put my son in daycare and I don't know what your STBX's financial situation is but if you get primary custody and your son is in daycare he will owe you more child support than he would if your in laws were watching your son for free. Even if you put your son in day care a couple of days a week and your in laws could still watch him the other days that would probably work well for you.
You said that a split is like someone dying, and that's exactly how it feels. I just can't seem to stop crying and feeling like a failure. I'm looking into going to counseling for myself but I feel like that will make this all more real. I keep hoping this is just a bad dream and that I will wake up and everything will be normal again.
My mother's minister described the end of anything as a death. I know when my partner of four years and I broke up suddenly, abruptly, and dramatically, I literally felt as though part of me were missing. For years, any time I needed to, I could just send out a "feeler" and it was like he was at the other end. I missed that more than anything. Knowing that when everything else was wrong, just a hug would make it all right again. I think the hardest was dealing with the one person I wanted to run to was the person I was running away from. I couldn't sleep. I had to force myself to eat so my then 14 year old wouldn't notice. I hid in the bath a lot to cry. I made my daughter sleep with me for about 3 weeks.
As cliche as it is, it *DOES* get better. There is no magic amount of time. But, there are good rules to follow here.
1) Let yourself grieve.
2) Seeking counseling may make it more real, but it can also make you see what you didn't want to before.
3) Accept that life will never be the same. Life before you ate broccoli isn't the same as life after eating it. Better or worse, it's definitely different now that you know what broccoli tastes like. This means there is truth to never getting over something. You don't have to. You WILL eventually move on.
4) Set a routine for yourself and follow it meticulously. There is healing in the mundane.
5) No matter what, know that there is no magic get over it point. You will have good days. You will have bad days. There will be days when you feel like a complete reset back to day 1. THIS IS ALL NORMAL.
6) Avoid places with strong memories at first, even it it's just McDonald's. Our first date was at Barnes and Noble. I walked into the one a few days after we broke up thinking I needed a new book to cheer me up. I totally fell apart as it came rushing back to me. I can shop there now, but it took a long time.
7) Friends may not get it. If they don't, call a help line, or write about it. Maybe now is a good time to start a blog.
8) Make a break up CD...make it perfect...the day it's perfect is the you've moved on. I could see the changes in mine. I added songs, removed songs, tweaked them...and it took me 8 months to make it perfect. It starts off angry, then bitter, and by the end, you can sense the healing theme of it all.
9) Just breathe.