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blended families, an older step-daughter not wanting a new baby

elysekranitzelysekranitz
in Parenting

I'm hoping someone out there has been in a similar situation or has some advice.  My husband and I were married last summer and have been discussing trying to get pregnant in the near future.  My 10 year old step daughter becomes very upset (crying) when the topic comes up.  Her mother has 4 other younger children (and 2 step children) that she is often responsible for, taking care of them, feels no attention towards her, etc.  My step-daughter begs my husband and I not to have kids.  She says she wants JUST the three of us to be a family and no additions.  She isn't really able to articulate what exactly it is that bothers her the most but she just says she doesn't want any babies. 

I've been searching online for different ideas, books or resources to help discuss this with her and to get her on board with the baby idea.  Any advice would be appreciated because I really can't feel completely excited with getting pregnant until I know it wouldn't make her devistated.

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Re: blended families, an older step-daughter not wanting a new baby

  • juniper19juniper19 member

    How has the topic come up?  Does she bring it up?  Or do you?  I don't really think it is appropriate to discuss your reproductive plans with a ten year-old.

    Is she in any kind of counseling?  Or is there a counselor at her school you can contact?  I'm not suggesting that there is something wrong with her for feeling that way, but this situation sounds way more complicated than any solution you could find in a book.  I would also post this on the blended-families board.

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  • DandelionMomDandelionMom

    You might get more responses on the blended families board. 

    I think family counseling might be a good idea.

    .
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  • aglennaglenn member
    I agree with the prior posters.  You also may want to change your expectations.  I was a child of divorce/remarriage and my mom and stepmom both got pregnant when I was 12.  I was not happy at all, especially with my mom because she got pregnant second and I had confided in her about how upset I was about my dad and stepmom having a baby.  Anyway, my point is that it's a tough situation for your stepdaughter.  It is confusing and vaguely threatening, and it's not really fair to expect her to think a baby is a great idea. 
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  • EastCoastBrideEastCoastBride member

    I think it's clear what bothers her - she is 3rd/4th/5th fiddle in her moms house.  It's all about the younger kids and her main role is to help take care of them.  Not to be a kid herself. 

    I'd start there.  Talk to her about that, tell her that it won't be like taht in your home (and make a point to NOT let it be like that).  Yes, a baby is going to be time consuming and will take a lot of your focus, but make sure you don't forget about her. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • EastCoastBrideEastCoastBride member
    imagejuniper19:

    I don't really think it is appropriate to discuss your reproductive plans with a ten year-old.

    I don't see it as much about talking about your reproductive plans as much as "our family may change".  This girl is having a rough go of it as it is - I think keeping her totally out of the loop and just one day saying "Surprise, I'm PG!" could be even more upsetting to her.

    While the issue now is that she may feel she has a 'say' in whether more kids are brought in or not, at the same time, at least she knows they care about her feelings on this and she's being given some consideration to how it will affect her.  Which I think may be more than she gets w/ her mom.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • Jena503Jena503

    I think it's important to let her know - gently - that it's not her choice.

    SS was 12 when I got pg. He wasn't as against it as your SD, but he wasn't excited either. What seemed to help him was to talk about what would change and what would not change. Turned out that he was afraid we'd take his room. But we reassured him that he would still have his own room. That he'd still get to spend some time alone with his dad. That he'd still get to do karate. Knowing that he'd have some constants in his life seemed to help a lot.

    We also told him about it before we told the world and he really liked being in on our secret (we told him that we'd tell his mom when he went back, so he could talk to her if he wanted).

    In your case you might want to reassure her that she would not be a babysitter unless she wants to be.

    The former jen5/03.

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  • blush64blush64 member

    imagefredalina:
    imageaglenn:
    I agree with the prior posters.  You also may want to change your expectations.  I was a child of divorce/remarriage and my mom and stepmom both got pregnant when I was 12.  I was not happy at all, especially with my mom because she got pregnant second and I had confided in her about how upset I was about my dad and stepmom having a baby.  Anyway, my point is that it's a tough situation for your stepdaughter.  It is confusing and vaguely threatening, and it's not really fair to expect her to think a baby is a great idea. 
    I agree with this, too. Ultimately the decision belongs to you and DH, but really, it hasn't even been a year yet and she's at a really rough age and has gone through (presumabluy) a lot. It doesn't sound unfair for her to have an image of the three of you as a family and be able to live with that for a while. Not sure your ages and obviously it matters if you're in your upper 30's or 40's, but what about waiting a while and being a family? In a few years she'll have far less interest in family vs friends and then she'll probably be off to college. Where does your DH stand on this? 

    This all makes a lot of sense. I think sometimes people need to consider more fully the needs of the chidlren they already have before adding more to the family.  If this could be a huge problem for the child it would be a better parenting decision to put it off assuming that is a possibility. (if not then that's another choice)

    It's not up to the child to control things like this but it is up to the parents to ensure the child's physical well being is cared for as well as the emotional well being. 

    I would have loved to marry and move in with my husband years ago but I didn't even date until my kids were older and then moved very slowly and only when things were right with them.  I had them first and I wanted to make sure they were in the right place before splitting my time between them and a new man. (I already had to split it between them and work)  It's hard but worth it.

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