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Attachment Parenting
Marsee
member
XP: Breastfeeding Etiquette? (Long)
Marsee
member
XP from BF Board:
DH and I are having a debate:
DH got called to a customer's house to do some repairs on their floor. The customers are the parents of one of our friends, so I would consider them to be good acquaintances. They hadn't met DS yet, so they invited DS and I over while DH did the repairs. We were there for about two hours.
When we got there it was DS' nap time and of course, he was not interested in napping. He was very well behaved, but when he started to get slightly fussy, I decided to nurse him, hoping he might fall asleep. I nursed him on the couch for about 5 min. beside the wife and was completely discreet about it. When the husband was in the room, he didn't even know what I was doing.
Here's the debate: DH was upset that I didn't ask the wife where I could nurse. He thinks that I made her uncomfortable. The wife and I had a nice conversation about breastmilk and immunities, etc., so I'm pretty sure she wasn't uncomfortable. However, I'm not always the best judge in social situations, so maybe she was uncomfortable and I didn't realize it? DH says since it was someone's home (not in public) that I should have asked for a place to nurse.
My opinion is, DS needed to nurse (he was rooting around on my chest for a good 5 min. before I gave in and nursed him) so I nursed him. Why should I have to ask someone where I should nurse? I wouldn't have asked if I had given DS a bottle.
DH says that since this was a semi-professional situation that I am in the wrong. I said, if you bring your wife and your baby to work, expect the baby to eat and the wife to feed the baby. DH is afraid that this customer could potentially not call him back for more work or not recommend him to other people because I made them uncomfortable. I admit that DH is better at reading people than I am, but I still don't think I made anyone uncomfortable. What's the etiquette in this situation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: Breastfeeding Etiquette? (Long)
I think the fact that they invited the whole family so they could meet the baby makes the situation very friendly. I also think that they are able to separate the professional aspect (basing whether or not they call DH again strictly on his workmanship) from the social aspect (recognizing that you were not performing any professional service for them, but were there to visit and show off Baby). If you had asked for a place to nurse, she probably would have thought that YOU were uncomfortable and wanted privacy and she would have felt obligated to give you access to a bedroom or something.
My DH is similarly "weird" about BFing. I used to do discipleship with 2 ladies once a week and I was telling DH about nursing DS (who was only a few weeks old at the time), struggling to get him latched, having a hard time being discreet and that practically my full breast was visible to anyone who cared to look. (DS and I were both still learning and sometimes had to try several times to get a good latch). Anyway, I was telling this to DH just to voice my early BFing woes, and the only thing he said was, "Don't you think that made them uncomfortable?." I hadn't even considered that! I mean, here are two ladies, both moms of older kids, both former BFers that I would call friends (even though the discipleship group was pretty new). I figured they could relate to my struggles. Of course after he said that, I was worried that I had made them uncomfortable.
I think you handled it beautifully. You didn't draw attention to it and her husband couldn't even tell what you were doing. It sounds like the only person uncomfortable with it was your husband. And mine is the same way. Maybe he just doesn't want anyone else thinking about my breasts in any way, and BFing draws attention to the fact that I do, in fact, have breasts.
DH used the same example you did. He told me that what I did was just like leaving the room to find their restroom without asking first. I just wanted to see what others thought. . .
I think he's over-thinking it. You guys know them already, so it's not like you and DS were hanging out with strangers (and honestly, it doesn't seem like it's a very formal job if the whole family shows up for your DH's job). And since you had a conversation with your friend's mom about breastmilk/breasfeeding, I would think she's fine with you nursing anyway. I'm pretty forward about nursing wherever I am, though!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I would ask nex time. But this time it didn't seem to cause any problem, it seems.
I agree with this. I think it's just polite to ask since it's their home and you don't know what they are comfortable/not comfortable with.
I wouldn't say it's a big deal though, your husband is probably just worrying too much.
More Green For Less Green
Agree with this.
Don't be sorry. I was looking for opinions and wondering if I'm as socially inept as I think I am.
I don't think you should ever have to ask permission to nurse your baby. Babies gotta eat, mamas gotta feed them.
Firstly, If your husband was worried about maintaining professionalism, he shouldn't have brought his wife and baby to work with him.
Secondly, they invited you. It would be a little weird if you invited someone with a baby over to your house and didn't expect that the baby might need to eat while they were there. I agree with a PP...if you had asked for a place to nurse, she would have felt obligated to let you use a bedroom, which probably would not be prepared for company, thinking that you were the one who wanted privacy.
I always asked others if it was okay if I nursed in front of them. Even in my own home when others came to visit. In their home, if they said it did make them uncomfortable, then I would have asked if there was somewhere I could go to nurse. In public I didn't ask anyone, but public nursing made my DH very uncomfortable. I just did it anyway, that was how I chose to feed our baby.
I don't think there was any problem with what you did, just maybe out of courtesy to others ask in the future. It won't hurt anything to know if others are comfortable or not.
TTC #2 since 6/2010
10/2012 DH diagnosed with Epilepsy
A few failed IUIs summer 2012 and 2013.
DH taking clomid and waiting to see if he needs another vericocele repair.
Hoping for a 2015 baby or babies.
Wishing, hoping, waiting.
I think since they invited you, it took the "being professional" aspect out of it. In fact, I had forgotten about that part of your post until I read some of the other responses.
It sounds like you two were chatting up bfing anyway, so it sounds like there was no discomfort (other than your husbands) and no reason to ask.
In my short time of nursing, I have only ever asked once. It was when DD was 2 weeks old and I was at a co-ed wedding shower. There was a semi private area off of the kitchen. I didn't know the host, who was the brides aunt...so I asked the bride if it would be okay to ask her aunt if I could use that area..lol. Anyway, this was 2 weeks PP so obviously we were still learning and I certainly would not have been comfortable trying to feed her with or without a cover in a crowded room of people.
I've nursed a few times at other people's houses and I just use a cover or am super discreet. Sometimes if I can't get her to latch well right away I get up and walk to a private area and return once she is latched.
My thoughts exactly.
It's not the same as if they were strangers/solely a business trip and you had, say, gotten locked out of your car and asked to wait in their house. In that type of situation, I would have asked- not because I feel like BFing should be hidden, but because people do have issues with it and I would worry about the effect on my H's business. They invited you over as friends, and I would never think twice about BFing in front of a friend.
I have in ten months never asked permission to breastfeed my baby. If he is welcome, then he's going to eat when he needs to. If she didn't want to have breastfeeding in her living room, she shouldn't have invited a baby there. You can't really have professional situations and a baby invitation at the same time.
I'm kind of adamant about my baby's right to eat, though. I show my respect by being discreet, using a cover (well, back when he would allow it) in some situations, and generally just not calling attention to what we're up to.
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I know I'm just a lurker, but I find this very rude. I am a big believer in BFing rights. Baby does need to eat, and that's what the boobs are for. However, I personally don't want to see your girls while you do it. That's the reason they make covers, nursing shirts, etc. Or use a blanket while you're getting situated, then once you're covered by baby and shirt, remove it. There's really no point in being flashy with it. It just makes people upset and uncomfortable, and really sets back whatever progress has been made in BFing in public without ridicule. JMO.
After 7 years of no ovulation...
BFP#1 10/24/11 ~ EDD 6/29/12 ~ Natural m/c 11/2/11
BFP#2 2/3/12 ~ Alice born 9/26/12
I really don't care what you think is rude. You have no idea what people see when I feed my baby - without a cover, blanket, nursing shirt, or anything. I don't wave my boobs around, but I don't need to be ashamed that I'm feeding my child.
What sets back progress is other women trying to shame me for not breastfeeding "right" - i.e. the way SHE is comfortable with.
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I was just stating an opinion. No need to attack me, and I wasn't trying to shame you. Seriously, I was just adding my opinion to the conversation. We don't have to agree. Life would be really boring if everybody agreed on everything.
After 7 years of no ovulation...
BFP#1 10/24/11 ~ EDD 6/29/12 ~ Natural m/c 11/2/11
BFP#2 2/3/12 ~ Alice born 9/26/12
I disagree...these are parents of friends who invited her hubby to bring his wife and baby so that they could get to know them better. This changes the equation significantly.
For the record, I would never ask if someone minds if I nurse...what do you do if they say they do? Lease and nurse in the car and try not to be offended? I think it is more awkward.
Here Here!!! Well said...I couldn't agree more Tokenhoser.
Honestly, what I think sets NIP progress back is this automatic jump from NIP to "OMG boobs/I don't want to see your girls/no need to be flashy!!1!" and it happens every.single.time NIP is discussed. It's a huge leap to assume that NIP= boobs hanging out. Very, VERY few BFing moms are indiscreet about it. I don't want you to see my boobs anymore than you want to see them. We just want to feed our babies.
I NIP all the time, and no has ever seen anything. So if anyone has a problem with what I do, it's literally the IDEA of breastfeeding a baby that they have issues with, not what they are seeing.
Same here! If you did not know the people it would be a different story. Since you know them and they invited you, I would have not asked either.
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Try putting a blanket over the head of your 8 month old and let me know how long they tolerate it. About half a second, just so everyone can turn around to see why my baby is screaming. Older babies are also very interested in what's happening around them, and don't just get latched and stay that way until they're done.
What sets things back is other women thinking I'm "flashing" them. Just more sexualization of breastfeeding, but sad on an AP board.
Yep, this 100%.
MrsIke - who says I want people looking at my boobs just because I don't nurse with a cover?
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
All you have to do is look the other way. Really, that's it. You are totally in control of the situation. If you don't want to look at my boobs...don't look at my boobs.
When I am ins someone's home I ask if they mind me nursing. Often times people ask if I would like to go to another room. While we were learning, I did go to another room becuase we didn't know what we were doing, and I needed to see to get her latched. Now that we are "semi-pro's" I say that if they are OK with me staying, I don't need to go to another room.
I'm late to the conversation, but the only place/time I think that it is inappropriate to nurse a child, is where it is inappropriate to feed a child in general (think clean lab at a research facility, etc).
That being said, I generally ask if there is a place to nurse because DS is a toddler and gets very easily distracted so there is a lot of popping on and off.