- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
I dont want to be the "evil step mother"
I came into my SD life when she was just over a year old. I've been here ever since, even through all of the BMD! Now that she will be three next month, as shes gotten older, i feel our bond sort of breaking. When she was younger, i was her favorite person by far, because her mother never gave her the attention she needed then. But now that SD can talk and walk and is even cuter BM treats her like a doll. At almost 3 she has now started telling me "You not my mom" and "I want my mom not you" "I only have 1 mom" and you know that's not something she's come up with on her own. And it literally tears me to pieces. It just makes me want to give up as to not force her to have a relationship with me. But i love her so much, it's a dilemma. And what makes it even worse is I know it's going to get worse. Were TTC and im so fearful of relationships changing even more. My fiance had a horrible step mother, and he still hates her till this day and he is sooo happy of all the things i do for him and SD and he thanks me every day for loving SD as my own. But it is just getting so hard and i feel like im stabbed in the heart every time she says and does things like that. I just wish i had some answers!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I dont want to be the "evil step mother"
when she says these things, just reply "I know that, and thats okay, but I still love you and want to be a part of your life too, is that okay?" or "it really hurts my feelings when you say you want your mom instead of me, is there anything that I can help you do right now, or do you need to take a few minutes by yourself?" obviously her mom is putting this crap in her head, her mom is jealous. it sucks but what can ya do? just love and appreciate her when you are with her and try to do your best not to bash her mom. she will form her own opinions about you, and the way you react when she says these hurtful things will determine if she says them to you again and how she reacts to her mom when her mom says them to you...
This.
I can imagine it is hard to hear those things but just keep being a good step mom and loving her and hopefully she will come around.
What does she call you? I personally have a really hard time with this because me and my ex split when my son was a year and a half old. Neither of us are remarried but we both have serious relationships and I struggle with what DS will call his step parents. I never called my stepmom anything but her first name, but she came into my life when I was 17.
I disagree. It is natural for a child to miss their mother when they are away from her. Even when I am in the same room my son who is 2.5 years old will tell my BF that he doesn't want him he wants me. I think that is just normal and you can't fault the child for wanting her mother.
And I think you need to go back and read the original post.
I think this is all in all great advice. In my opinion though, I would not say "it really hurts my feelings when you say your want your mom more than me." to me, that puts your reaction to what she is saying on her- it's a bit of a guilt trip. No matter where it is coming from, she should feel comfortable expressing her feelings. If she feels that she is hurting you when she says things, she may start to hold her feelings inside as she grows up, to spare your feelings- and you really don't want that. You want an open, honest relationship, kwim?
Other than that, I agree with this post's advice and ppers- just keep showing her the love and this too shall pass... it's one of the sucky things about being part of a blended family. Sometimes you get hurt and you have to just suck it up for the child. In the long run, she'll know how much you love her and you two will develop a special relationship- this is just a rough patch.
When my SD reminds me I'm not her mom I tell her the same thing every time "No, I'm not, but I love you so I will do what's best by you. And I am the adult here, so you will show me respect."
Then I walk away and as soon as she can't see, I cry.
It's going to tear you up inside. And it's okay to be upset. But don't let her see. Kids are manipulators, by nature, and if she knows how much it gets to you she'll use it to hurt you when she doesn't get her way.
Hang in there. The victories may be few and far between, but they are so sweet when they happen.
She calls me "Boo" and all forms of it. "Boo" is a term my fiance and I use for each other, and as she was just over a year old when i came around she just picked up on it (shes extremely observational) I can still remember the first time she called me "Boo" She had started calling me mom or mommy when she was around 16 months or so but BM had a conniption, SD was going to BM's so we brought her down to her car and she didn't want to go and said "NOOO want my mommy" and ran to me and that put BM into a flaming rage. She then went for about a week or so not knowing what to call me because obviously BM told her not to call me mom we just let her figure it out on her own because she didn't need yet another one or two people telling her what to call me. BM proceeded to ask what SD will call me when shes not calling me mom, and we told her "Boo" and she said "That's ridiculous, she's probably calling her POO" and laughed, which was extremely childish and i said, if you were around more you'd know she can actually talk and pronounce words. Now the word "Boo" just sends BM into crying fits because "My daughter should only want her mother, not a "boo" she constantly says "boo" like im not even here."
And now that she can understand things more, BM is filling her with things, you know it's okay that she doesn't call me mom, because i know boo is special, and when she was younger she called all of grandmas mom and any lady who paid attention to her mom, because her mother wasn't doing her job. It's just the fact that what she is saying hurts me because BM is special now because she has a job and buys SD things constantly and parades her around town like a barbie doll so now "Mom" is special because she can fill a three year olds head with non sense just to hurt me. BM has mental issues and sometimes we see it in SD we parent her no matter what she does and we just hope that SD doesn't end up like BM which is soooo very frighting which is what worries me about the future because if BM can get her to say hurtful things intentionally when SD is not yet 3, how is it going to be when she's older? So it kind of makes me feel like the smart thing to do is to give up and let go but she is my daughter too and i'd never give up on my own child.
You may want to refer to my post about what to call step parents. It seems the majority of people believe that mom and dad are reserved for the birth parents unless the birth parent is not in the child's life.
Your SD's mom was within her rights to ask you not to have her daughter, whom she gave birth to, call you mom. She already has a mom. If you do not already have your own birth children this is something you may understand more when you have a child.
And I am confused on what you mean by giving up? Do you mean no longer getting married? No longer seeing your SD? Blended families are tough and if you think you aren't cut out for it maybe it would be best if you move on and find a man without kids.