CO's that bite you in the butt

CFjo2010 · March 2012

I'm sure we all have them. Those lovely little clauses that got put in the CO because at the time it made perfect sense and now bites us in the butt. Between my CO with my XH and my husband's CO with BM, our butts have lots of teeth marks. So what clauses have bitten you and the other party in the butt?

CO with BM: For awhile BM was refusing to allow me to pick up K. This resulted in a ton of police involvement. My husband then went and had it put in the CO that he or I would be picking up K. That bit us in the butt later when BM wouldn't allow my BIL to pick up K because "according to the CO, 'father or J will be responsible for pick up'...". Yes, seriously. Back to Court we went to have it modified to say anyone that father designates to pick up K. Expensive lesson learned. On the flip side: BM demanded that certain holidays begin at 8 a.m. because she didn't want my husband having that additional overnight. Yeah, she is not a morning person. It's pretty great when we showed up at 8 a.m. on Mother's Day last year and she wasn't awake and no one else at the house was awake to answer the door. That angry hostile text at 10 a.m. asking where K was, was awesome.

CO with XH: Since he only sees the kids a couple times a year, not too many things have backfired on either of us. The biggest issue is the wording for summer visitation states that he has the kids for 2 weeks, the first 2 weeks of summer vacation. He demanded this clause in the CO because he wanted to be the first one to have a vacation with them (yes, seriously). Well now he constantly wants to change around the visit, and I won't agree to it. My husband made his holiday/vacation schedule with K so that it fits with my CO (we have all the kids one year for Christmas, no kids the following year, etc.). Other than that I've been pretty lucky.

mom2one · March 2012

Ours is somewhat vague which causes other types of issues sometimes. Life with court orders can suck.

xmaryrickx · March 2012

I think most of your issues are more from you and your H looking to make waves than it is bc of your CO. We have never had the CO bite us.

Holly_1007 · March 2012

DH's CO with BM is very vague, it has bitten him in the butt more times than her. we're awaiting a court date, hoping a judge throws a book at BM.

theres a few clauses that I hope we can change. one is that we cannot move more than 50 miles from BM or it violates the entire agreement. it sucks, which it was 100miles. or the clause wasn't there at all. but I guess it keeps BM from running off to the other side of the country with SD.

Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

the last clause that I hope to be able to alter is that both BM and DH have to have a $200,000 life insurance policy in the other persons name to raise SD in case of the others death. the wording is weird and since DH and BM are now married we need to readdress. if DH were to die, BM would get the money. if she died after getting the money her DH would get the money and theres not obligation for him to use it for SD....

Sigir · March 2012

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

cole2144 · March 2012

Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

This may be true but the fact of the matter is who knows what the financial situation will be when the time comes. I hope we will able to afford this when the time comes but who knows and what if you have other children? You could be mandated to pay for 50 percent of SC`s education with not enough to help pay for the other child or children`s education. I don`t agree that parents have to put their children through college. It is nice if you can but not a right.

CFjo2010 · March 2012

holly71087:

the last clause that I hope to be able to alter is that both BM and DH have to have a $200,000 life insurance policy in the other persons name to raise SD in case of the others death. the wording is weird and since DH and BM are now married we need to readdress. if DH were to die, BM would get the money. if she died after getting the money her DH would get the money and theres not obligation for him to use it for SD....

The best way to handle this is to have a Trust established for SD, which is what my husband and I did (but there isn't a CO requiring it). 1/2 of his Life Insurance policy goes to me, the other 1/2 goes into a Trust for K. The Executor of the Trust is to pay BM the current monthly CS amount and maintain the health insurance for K. Any monies needed for education will be submitted directly to the institution by the Trust. The remainder of the policy will be paid to K when she's 25.

Sigir · March 2012

cole2144:
Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

This may be true but the fact of the matter is who knows what the financial situation will be when the time comes. I hope we will able to afford this when the time comes but who knows and what if you have other children? You could be mandated to pay for 50 percent of SC`s education with not enough to help pay for the other child or children`s education. I don`t agree that parents have to put their children through college. It is nice if you can but not a right.

I agree that a blanket statement that says '50% responsibility' is not ideal - I don't know the details of her CO. Ours says that at the college age, a financial analysis will take place, and if the analysis states that incomes/ assets are similar, it will be a 50/50 split. If the analysis states we are not similar, the split will be according to the financial analysis. IMO this is a fair approach.

My bigger beef what her reason for wanting to remove this from her CO (at least as she stated it)- it was not financial. She said that they should not have to pay 50% because they don't have joint custody- that seems like penalizing the child not for a justifiable financial reason, but more just for spite, really.

kimmygirl77 · March 2012

cole2144:
Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

This may be true but the fact of the matter is who knows what the financial situation will be when the time comes. I hope we will able to afford this when the time comes but who knows and what if you have other children? You could be mandated to pay for 50 percent of SC`s education with not enough to help pay for the other child or children`s education. I don`t agree that parents have to put their children through college. It is nice if you can but not a right.

I agree with this. If a couple is not divorced, they do not HAVE to pay for college for their child. So why should a court order FORCE you to pay for college for a child just because you are divorced? Don't get me wrong, DH and I plan to help as much as we can, but we shouldn't be forced to go into debt or be in contempt of a court order if we can't provide 50%

odear · March 2012

kimmygirl77:
cole2144:
Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

This may be true but the fact of the matter is who knows what the financial situation will be when the time comes. I hope we will able to afford this when the time comes but who knows and what if you have other children? You could be mandated to pay for 50 percent of SC`s education with not enough to help pay for the other child or children`s education. I don`t agree that parents have to put their children through college. It is nice if you can but not a right.

I agree with this. If a couple is not divorced, they do not HAVE to pay for college for their child. So why should a court order FORCE you to pay for college for a child just because you are divorced? Don't get me wrong, DH and I plan to help as much as we can, but we shouldn't be forced to go into debt or be in contempt of a court order if we can't provide 50%

Totally agree with kimmy.

Intact families are not court-ordered to pay for college-why should blended families be? It has nothing to do with % of custody, and I don't think *that* was the pp's primary reason for wanting that changed.

cole2144 · March 2012

kimmygirl77:
cole2144:
Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

This may be true but the fact of the matter is who knows what the financial situation will be when the time comes. I hope we will able to afford this when the time comes but who knows and what if you have other children? You could be mandated to pay for 50 percent of SC`s education with not enough to help pay for the other child or children`s education. I don`t agree that parents have to put their children through college. It is nice if you can but not a right.

I agree with this. If a couple is not divorced, they do not HAVE to pay for college for their child. So why should a court order FORCE you to pay for college for a child just because you are divorced? Don't get me wrong, DH and I plan to help as much as we can, but we shouldn't be forced to go into debt or be in contempt of a court order if we can't provide 50%

Exactly!

karatechrissy · March 2012

Sigir:
I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.
holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.
Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

Damn I should take my parents to court. I was 100% responsible for my own college.

Personally, I feel the clause is ridiculous. I've said before I don't agree w any court order telling someone they have to pay for college for an adult child. If parent want to/can contribute they should, but no judge or CO should be able to dictate to anyone that they HAVE to pay for someone's college.

SusanH. · March 2012

when I read posts like this I am so thankful that my DH and his ex keep their son in mind. Both are flexible for vacations etc....and have never had to pull out the CO to prove a point.

I honestly dont think I would have married him if it were a battle every time one of them wanted to change a visit.

Holly_1007 · March 2012

just wanted to clarify.

our CO states that each party pay 50%. my reasoning for not liking this is partly because, yes we don't get sd 50% of the time, but also, being OBLIGATED to pay a certain amount sucks. we are currently not in a financial position that we would even be approved for a college loan right now (I'm still paying off my college loans!) SD is only 5 so I know we have a while, and hopefully we are in a better place to offer her more money when the time comes..

if we are OBLIGATED to pay 50% of SD's college, what does that mean for our other children? we can't exactly say "well we are court ordered to pay for SD, but not for you DC so we will just do what we can" you know? or since we are the only parents for DC are we then obligated to pay 100% in fairness to our children?

like I have stated, we will obviously do what we can to help SD, but the legal obligation sucks. on top of that, DH's child support is worded so that he is to continue paying child support if SD goes to full time college directly out of high school. so we will continue paying child support AND 50% of her college tuition, and lets face it we will probably see her once every month or two, depending on where she goes to school.

bebe11 · March 2012

I can honestly say that I have never had a CO bite us in the butt. Then again my H's CO is very very vauge, but none the less, he usually lets BM make all the decisions anyway, and I just stay out of it.

angelame1979 · March 2012

Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

Most CO's don't automatically put paying for college in there, both parents have to agree and put it in there. But I agree, regardless of custody if this is what it says then this is the way it is.

CFjo2010 · March 2012

karatechrissy:
Sigir:

I only get bitten in the butt when I try to compromise outside the CO... my CO is pretty good when I follow it, which I am trying to do now.

holly71087:
Theres also a clause that says that we have to split the cost of college. obviously we will do what we can for SD but being obligated to pay 50% (when we don't even have jount custody) really blows.

Not trying to be mean, but your SD is his daughter. No matter what level of custody he has, he should still be responsible for 50% of her college, IMO. I think it would be totally wrong to say, CD is only with us 30% of the time, so we are only going to pay for 30% of her college. She is 50% his daughter.

Damn I should take my parents to court. I was 100% responsible for my own college.

Personally, I feel the clause is ridiculous. I've said before I don't agree w any court order telling someone they have to pay for college for an adult child. If parent want to/can contribute they should, but no judge or CO should be able to dictate to anyone that they HAVE to pay for someone's college.

Yes to the bolded statement.

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