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Parenting after a Loss
authorofdreamz
member
Is there something wrong with me?
authorofdreamz
member
DD will be 4 MO tomorrow and I still don't feel very attached to her. I read posts all the time about people being sad to go back to work or not wanting to leave LO with a sitter even if it means never going out with SO. I've seen so many posts where people say they didn't leave LO overnight until they were 2+ YO and even then it was only because their second child was being born. Whenever I read about CIO people talk about how hard it is listening to their baby cry. All of these posts make me feel like a very bad person because I don't feel any of those things.
I SAH but I wish I could go to work we just can't afford it (I wouldn't make enough to justify DC), We leave DD with a sitter at least once every couple weeks and I look forward to it and its never hard. We had my mom watch her overnight when she was 2 MO just because and are planning on it again soon and I am looking forward to it. We just started sleep training (Ferber) and I don't feel bad when she is crying, its just annoying to me. I find myself constantly reminding myself that she is my baby and her "real parents" aren't going to come pick her up.
I feel part of it is from being PAL for two reasons: I feel bad that she is here and DD1 isn't and I am afraid of getting too attached because something could happen to her. And I know part of it is probably because of PPD and I keep hoping that part will go away.
Don't get me wrong I love DD but I don't feel I love her anymore than say my nephew or other kids I have nannied/babysat.
Anyone else ever feel this way? ..please tell me I am not alone
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Re: Is there something wrong with me?
I felt this way to an extent with my first son, but my issues were related to PPD. Is there a chance you might be suffering from PPD?
I would dread going to pick him up after work from daycare. I would love the time at night where he would be asleep so I could have alone time. I often missed my old life. And when I got some time alone, I was so happy.
After I was diagnosed and on meds for a while, I felt amazingly better.
Not sure if this fits what you are feeling or not.
Jack Emmett born on 2/2/10 after 17 cycles and a miscarriage
Calvin Wyatt born on 1/10/12. Our surprise baby!
EP Facebook Group ~*~ My Baby/Life Blog
In me experience, you can't ignore depression and wait for it to go away. Although, I didn't have PPD I have struggled with depression in other times of my life. If you don't feel like yourself and you feel something is wrong and preventing you from bonding the way you think you should with your child then by all means go and talk to someone about it. Don't wait.
That said, I think its not abnormal to "check out" every once in awhile. There were times during the first six months especially, that I just wanted to run away. But they were fleeting thoughts and I felt and still feel very connected to Lo and hate being away from her. CIO is harder for me now on the rare occasions we have to do it than it was when we first did it 5 months ago. Why? Because to get through it then, I just steeled myself and kept myself busy while she cried. It was my way of coping.
I guess its not up to any of us to tell you what's normal and what isn't. But I am guessing since you took the time to write this post you are more than a little bothered by your disconnect to your daughter. Get help. You won't regret it.
I felt this way to an extent for a long time with DD. I loved her, but I wasn't obsessed with her like so many mothers discribe. I didn't mind leaving her, and I didn't get overly upset with her crying either.
We FF so I never had that connection with her. She wasn't cuddly, so I never had that connection with her. She was and still is very independent. I would say just now since she turned 1 things are getting to be so much fun. I can't wait to pick her up and I am sad when I have to leave her.
You may just not be a "infant" person, and that is okay. It will come, especially when they start to say mama, and they actually are directing it to you. Or when they cry when you drop them off because they miss you.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I think you have alot of emotions running through you and sometimes hadling them and putting them where they are supposed to go is hard.
I hate that it is so common for people to think that the bond and the mother child relationship is natural or the same for everyone. It really isn't.
I do understand that you PPD but you are also a different person from any one of us. It is fine to want time to yourself and to get frustrated that you don't get it and excited when you do.
I love Gabriel to peices but I am so happy when he sleeps and I get a chance to read or write. It is like a little piece of heaven.
I wasn't afraid or nervous or sad to leave Kamryn when I went back to work. And I worked for 10-12 hour days. I feel terrible for that in hindsight, but I was happy to work and have a career.
Now I am terrified but that is only b/c Kam passed away while I was a work and I couldn't stop it. I love my job and am happy to be there I just am scared someone won't take care of him and I will lose him too.
You are allowed to want time alone, and like 75% of parents do CIO and are happy with it, we did it with Katelyn we did it with Kamryn. And I didn't feel bad at all, it was what they needed to learn to sleep in their beds...Now I am a nervous wreck and can't stand the thought of him in his room but once again that is because of Kam dying it is completely different now b/c I am scared of EVERYTHING......
But before we switched to formula I wanted to pull my hair out he cried so much, and he wanted held ALL THE TIME.. So I held him I didn't have a bath alone for weeks I thougth I was going to lose my mind. Yesterday he napped finally and I took a bath alone and I was sosososososo happy I was so sad when he woke up and I had to get out.
Again do not feel guilty for wanting some time to yourself you are allowed to be you and want to not do mommy things it is ok. And these first months are hard in alot of cases bonding takes place over years not minutes and that is just as normal. It is ok.
You have already went to the Dr and got on meds for PPD so you are approaching that problem already you are taking care of you LO everyday all the time and you are trying to help yourself to. You are doing a good job and no there isn't something WRONG with you.