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Parenting
Repost: Family Issues
I also posted this question on the Toddlers 24+ board, but thought I'd ask here as well. I'm new to the boards here, but I lurk often and get lots of helpful information from all of you. I've got somewhat of a dilema and I'd like your thoughts on the matter.
My brother-in-law recentlly moved back to town and will often come over to our home with his new girlfriend and her son (who is 10). Her son is very defiant and does not listen to her. In my opinion, she does not follow through with disciplining him, so he doesn't take any of her threats seriously. When they are at our home, my two year old daughter loves playing with him (she loves being around other kids and really looks up to him). He plays very rough with her often times his mother will not see or stop him from being excessively rough with her, so I feel like I constantly have to keep an eye on her son, to ensure the safety of my daughter. He will grab her head with both hands and shake her head, I've seen him purposely stick his leg out to trip her (on our tile floor), etc. I lost it the other day, and went off on him for doing this, I was so mad, I was shaking and had to leave the room. His mom made him apologize to me, but his behavior hasn't really improved.
To be completely honest, I'm not comfortable with him in our home. I have a work meeting tonight and my husband asked his brother to babysit for an hour while I'm gone. I just found out that he plans on picking up my daughter and taking her to a birthday party with his girlfriend and her son. I'm a wreck worrying about her and worrying that they'll keep a close eye on her son to ensure that he's not too rough with her. I hate the bad behavior she's learning by watching him, but I also feel like a bi*ch at the thought of telling them that her son is not welcome in our home.
I don't know what to do, other than avoid any future situations where they will be watching my daughter. I told my husband today how I feel, he already knew somewhat, but I don't think it bothers him as much as it does me.
What would you do in this situation? TIA!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Repost: Family Issues
Your DD's safety needs to come first, and a part of the problem here is that your DH doesn't seem to be bothered. Does he not see it, or why is he not bothered by it?
"How" to get around the gf bringing her son is hard, though. It's VERY hard to tell another parent "there is a problem w/ your child".
But hoenstly - as you've SEEN situations between them, I don't think I'd have too much of a problem saying "her son is too rough w/ DD and I can't have him around her.". It's not saying she's a bad parent, per se. It's just saying "he's too rough".
As for taking your DD - why can't you just say "no"? You don't want him driving her anywhere? In and of itself, I think that's valid. Does he even have the right carseat for her?!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks for your response. My husband thinks that my brother-in-laws girlfriend is watching us for clues as to what is "too much" when the kids are playing and her son is being too rough. I was looking at it as, "it's her kid, so she needs to control him." Now that I know that's how my husband sees the situation, I'm going to be more vocal going forward when I feel that her son's behavior is too rough. I guess I felt guilty repremanding her son, but as you said, my daughter's safety comes first and if I have to offend someone in the process, so be it.
He's asked to take our carseat this afternoon so that he can take her. I don't mind him driving her, I trust him and know she's safe in the car with him. I guess what I don't like about it is that it probably means she'll be gone longer and around her son for a longer period of time than if she had just stayed home while I was gone for an hour at my work meeting. On the other hand, he's doing us a favor by watching her today, so I go back and forth as to whether or not my requesting that she stay home is fair, since he's doing us a favor. You know what I mean?
As it's ONLY an hour, I don't see why he "has" to take her anywhere. Yes, he's doing you a favor, but stilll.. this is YOUR child. That trumps the rest of it.
I want to say "I can understand your DH's perspective", but at the same time - her DS is rough and misbehaves because he gets away with it. She isn't looking for cues. She's looking to not have to parent him....
At least on that front, though, she may not care what you do!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with you. If I were her and that were my child mis-behaving, I wouldn't wait for clues from the other parent, I would discipline my child. period. I also think that she's looking to not have to parent him and that's why his behavior is where it is today. It drives me crazy because I love my brother-in-law, but he now comes with this baggage and it just SUCKS! He's even said how her son is out of control and has horrible behavior.
I honestly don't think anything will change with regards to her parenting skills if I speak up more when he misbehaves. At this point though, I'm going to have to start putting my foot down when he's in my home and insist that they not play together whenever he gets too rough. In the future, I'm going to avoid asking them to babysit so we don't end up in this situation again. If I knew it was just going to be my brother-in-law, that would be fine, but since there's no guarantee of that, I'm going to avoid the whole situation together.
It bothers me that he basically TOLD me that he was going to be taking her, instead of just staying at our house. He didn't even ask. Maybe he thinks that's just his right because he's her uncle or something, but I wish he would have asked, then that would have at least given me the opportunity to say, "I'm only going to be gone an hour, can you just stay at the house." Now, I'm in this uncomfortable situation where I have to go back to him and say, "Actually, I'd rather you not take her anywhere" like I don't want my child to be able to have any fun with her uncle, which of course is not the case. She's been under the weather a little bit the past few days and I'd just prefer she stay home. So, maybe that's just what I'll tell him. I know they're going to roll their eyes or fight me on it, but I guess that's just the way it has to be.
But yes- find other babysitters! You dont' want to have to rely on him in the future.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you so much for all of your feedback! I just needed to talk this out.
My husband just called me and said that he called his brother and told him my concerns. He made him promise that he wouldn't take his eyes off her today (obviously, but especially around her son). His brother told him that they may not even go to the party now, apparently it was just a small family gathering and they were just stopping by to drop off a birthday card. So I'm feeling better, but definately going to avoid having them babysit for us in the future.
Thanks again!
but BUT did DH actually put it out as YOUR concerns, or did he at least say "our" concerns? Because if he didnt' - no matter how well that talk went, if brother tells GF that YOU and you alone have an issue w/ her son... YOU may become the bad guy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
At this point I'm ok with being the bad guy if that's what it takes to ensure my daughter's safety. It sucks, but if that's the way it has to be, I guess it will.
He mentioned to my husband during the phone call that she told him the other day (after they left our house and her son had been misbehaving) that "I'm just waiting for them to tell us that he's not welcome at their house anymore." So I think she's concerned about his behavior too, just not enough to follow-through with punishment. I think she feels embarrassed at her son's behavior.