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Need quick advice on a sticky situation

WBs_BrideWBs_Bride member
in Parenting
My aunt passed away this weekend. There are 5 cousins, all of whom are married. I volunteered to order flowers from the cousins for the funeral (with the banner saying "Aunt"--one of those traditional ones). Here's the thing. I truly believe, as likely do my other cousins, that the card should specify that it is from us alone and not put our spouses' names. This is how I've always seen it done. However, I know my SIL (bro's wife) will be PISSED to not have her name on it. Long story but she was pissed at me for like, 3 years, over a similar situation from my wedding. Should I go with tradition and the wishes of all of the cousins, or just put all the spouses names as well to avoid conflict (again) w/SIL? What a pain. I wish I'd just waited for someone else to volunteer to do this then I'd be off the hook.
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Re: Need quick advice on a sticky situation

  • mulrooneymulrooney member
    I am sorry for your loss. Honestly, I think that the right thing to do is to include spouses (& kids too). When my uncle passed, my brother & I did flowers from us, our spouses, & kids. He was an uncle to all of us - not just those related by blood. IMHO, adding spouses names doesn't take anything away from the blood relatives and seems weird to leave them off like they are not part of the family, especially if it will avoid conflict at a time of mourning.
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  • august06momaugust06mom member

    I'm sorry for your loss. But ...

    You don't know "the wishes of all the other cousins" -- you're just guessing. (You say "likely do my other cousins.") What will you gain by omitting the spouses' names? Nothing. No one at the funeral will have any doubt as to who the cousins are. What is the benefit of leaving out names?

    I just attended my husband's aunt's funeral last week. I was touched and grateful by the way I was treated like family. No, she wasn't a blood relative, but I am my husband's family, and vice versa. I can't imagine being deliberately left out of something.

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  • JenninMAJenninMA member
    Five of you are splitting one bouquet of flowers for your Aunt and you're worried about adding the spouse's names the the card? I don't quite get it, but I'd just focus on the loss of your aunt, put the spouses' names on, and hope your uncle appreciates the flowers while he grieves.
    Nadia Irene 8/13/07 Reid Owen 8/18/09
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  • DandelionMomDandelionMom

    Funerals are so stressful already -- just take the high road and include everyone on the card.  I'm sure your uncle will assume it is from everyone anyway and that will bring him a lot of comfort.  (((hugs)))  sorry for your loss. 

    .
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  • WBs_BrideWBs_Bride member

    imageJenninMA:
    Five of you are splitting one bouquet of flowers for your Aunt and you're worried about adding the spouse's names the the card? I don't quite get it, but I'd just focus on the loss of your aunt, put the spouses' names on, and hope your uncle appreciates the flowers while he grieves.
    Just to clarify, this isn't a spring bouquet being sent to the house or something, it's a large centerpiece that will be alongside her urn during the reception (would be next to her casket during her viewing if she weren't cremated) and will be on the altar at Mass. But thanks for the implication that we're a bunch of cheap-asses. I was with my uncle yesterday hours after my aunt passed. My one cousin stayed with her every Sunday while she was sick. We're all close and I'm well focused on the loss here, believe me. But again, thanks for the assumptions.

    After reading it again I realize I came off snotty in the OP but honestly, of the 3 cousins I've spoken with already, they said just putting our names would be fine. It's just how we've always seen it done. But everyone relax--I'm putting spouses. It's just not worth the chance of an issue w/SIL.

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  • UGAbrideUGAbride
    I agree with the others that I would include spouses, I would think it a little strange not to.  If my DH's aunt died, I would expect to be included (I wouldn't make a stink if I wasn't, but it wouldn't even occur to me to not include him if I was ordering an arrangment for my own family member).  I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Jack 3.5.07 / Ethan 9.17.08 / Lauren 4.3.11 image
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  • Rebekah1021Rebekah1021
    I didn't get the impression that you were being a cheap ass. I do think the right think to do is add the spouses on the card.
    Audrey Elizabeth 11-11-06 image
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  • ZenyaZenya member
    honestly i think it's weird NOT to include the spouses on the card. I don't really get your point at all.
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  • peekaboo716peekaboo716 member

    I am so sorry for your loss. 

    As an IL of a family that routinely doesn't include spouses on things such as this, I think including the spouses is a nice inclusive gesture that also acknowledges their loss and grief.

    (And I say this since my SIL ordered the flowers for her mother's funeral and didn't think it right to include her siblings spouses on anything associated with the funeral, even in the obituary. Let me tell you, although my MIL was not my "mother" I still feel an incredible loss 3 years after her death.)

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  • jlw2505jlw2505 member
    I am sorry for your loss.  I do have to disagree with you on this though, I do believe that your cousins spouses should be included on this - I would never send something like this without including my husband or my siblings/cousins spouses - it is from the family and just because the spouses are not blood relatives, they are part of the family and should be included in the same manner.
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
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