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Parenting
Godparents? Long.
Hi. I am from the first trimester board and the October 2012 board. I was talking with my mom the other day about who she chose for my brother and I if she and my dad were to die before we turned 18.
My dad died when I was 15 and she said when that happened, she talked with her sister, and her sister agreed to raise my brother and me if my mom died.
My question is, how do you choose the right person to raise your child(ren) if both you and your SO pass away before your child(ren) are 18?
I don't think my mom would be able to, as she is struggling to make ends meet as it is.
I don't want our child to go with any of my husband's family because I do not agree with how they raise their children (my husband turned out great though, which sort of makes him the black sheep of the family. They don't really respect my husband anyway, and treat his sisters so much better than they treat any of their sons). My husband feels the same way about some of my aunts and uncles, which I agree with him on, and have no problem not choosing them.
My husband and I are the only ones out of each of our families that are married and having a baby. We are also the oldest, so choosing a sibling of ours is definitely not ideal.
I just don't know! I think we both would want to pick someone who is married, and possibly has children already. But we also want someone who has the same values we do, and the same basic religious views (my husband is Mormon and I'm Catholic, so that's another big issue).
Sorry to ramble on. Any advice would be really appreciated. TIA
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Re: Godparents? Long.
Please remember that GodParents are not the same as Guardians. One is a religious position, the other is..well a guardian.
We made out choices for both positions independently (well, we did ensure that the guardians would allow the godparents access to do their "job") of each other. Not that you CAN'T find one person/couple that would do both "jobs well", but don't make a combo the end game.
I suggest you write out a list of "requirements" you want; like someone who values (ie will support/push your kid to do x) the same things you do - outdoor activities like camping is big for both DH and I, so DDs guardian had to be a camper.
Each of you separately make a list of these needs and then discuss them. Make sure you are in agreement, THEN make a list of people who you think fit that bill.
For us, financial stability was number one. Second was someone who would facilitate DD seeing both sides of her extended family...which is why NONE of DHs family would ever get DD. Then we hit the extras, like the camping, the education levels, religious (though our God Parents will make up for our Guardians differences) beliefs, etc.
Finally, we took into account the couples' family. We chose my Brother BECAUSE we (even DH) LOVE and RESPECT my SILs family. DD will be accepted and loved and supported by these people who have no blood connection to her (another reason why we wouldnt use my SILs - their INLAWS are freaking crazy cakes and I don't want DD around them).
The list thing was the way for DH and I to go...to get HIM to make rational, not guilt ridden decisions. NONE of his family met the list of requirements that HE wrote.
Also, remember that a guardian doesn't have to be family. We have a small family and while my parents are VERY involved in DS's life, they even agree that if something were to happen to us, them raising a child until he's 18 may not be entirely fair to DS (my dad turns 70 this year - he'll be 85 when DS is 18....).
So we asked good friends of ours. We have life insurance and a trust set up so taht if something were to happen - they'd get a good amount of $$ to use for DS.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
PPs have made some really good points. Your choice on this may change over time as other people's lives change.
Initially, when we just had DS1, we thought he would be better off with a couple that we are good friends with. But now they already have three kids of their own and we have two and plan on having one more...I wouldn't want to saddle them with all of that responsibility. At the same time, DH's younger brother who was young and irresponsible when we had DS1 is now engaged and more settled down, so we asked him and his fiance if they would mind being named in our will as guardians and they were very honored.
It's hard to think about these things, but, as you've experienced, it is a smart thing to address. Just remember that a decision you make now can always be changed as situations and relationships change.
It seems like the assumption of godparents = guardians is long gone. I know that I was limited on who I could choose godparents because my church had strict requirements that people needed to meet (including living locally enough to attend classes about being a godparent not the same weekend as the Christening). For godparents I chose people I wanted to honor, who could get the letter from their Parish and who lived near enough to attend the class. To be honest, I have no idea who my godparents are, my mom can't remember, and I think of that as a purely ceremonial thing.
It does happen that my sister is my older daughter's godmother and would be their guardian, but in my mind they are very separate roles.
I think the list idea is an awesome idea! Honestly, we're at a similar place. DH is the oldest, I'm an only. My mom is gone & my dad is not able to take care of DD for 2 hours, much less longer. ILs are great, but they're in their 60s and have some health issues which I feel prevents them. DH's sis is great, but we some issues with BIL that takes them out of the mark, plus his family is wackadoo and barely accept SIL. And there you have it.
We originally asked a couple that we were extremely close to, as they're young, responsible, financially well and would not treat DD different than if she had been born to them. However, as time has went on, our friendship isn't as close and religion has become a huge thing for DH & I. We want DD to be raised in a Christian home, where she's expected to attend church. And therefore, we have no clue. I am going to take PPs advise, and make a list and have DH make one as well. Best of luck!
I really like how Ilumine described her process for choosing a guardian. I too believe that the role of godparent and guardian are separate, but can be one in the same person.
We have not officially named guardians for our children as of yet. It's because we cannot agree. DH's parents have passed. Mine are not an option due to age IMO. I only have one sister I would consider. DH has two sisters and a brother that we would consider. I feel it very important that whomever we choose would try to raise our kids as we would want (same values, beliefs, education, activities, even food choices). I also want it to be as stable a homelife as possible, since my kids' worlds would be turned upside-down in the event we were to pass away at an early age. I wish we could figure it out. We will have it named how life insurance benefits are to be paid to help alleviate the burden taking on two children would pose on one of our family members.
Religion was not really a consideration in our decision for guardians. It was our best friends, who have been our kids babysitters and really great friends since they were born. I know they have the financial resources and that they would be a constant in our children's lives up to that point, so going through the burden of losing us, they would already know the people who were taking care of them well.
My grandmother found out that our friends were the guardians and she was immediately scared that they would be taken out of the familiy. (Her mother died when she was young and apparently, someone offered to take her off her dad's hands.) "I would never have seen my family again."
My brother and DH's sister aren't even capable of caring for themselves emotionally or financially, so they're out, and DH's cousins are far away. Mine are closer, and we considered them, but we're closer to our friends. So, blood or not, we made our pick. (We didn't want them to go with our parents because of choices our parents made as well as fairness to our parents.)
Samantha Skye - Aug 30, 2006 AND Maxwell Griffin - April 14, 2009