Waiting, waiting, always waiting...

sami1784 · March 2012

I know that I should not complain, as I know that I have it really good compared to wives whose soldiers have more difficult deployments, but I get really irritated when DH says he'll be online at a certain time and then doesn't get online until like 2 hours later. I get even more irritated when I find out that he hasn't been doing anything really preventing him from getting online, just watching a movie or playing video games in his CHU.

I understand him not getting online until late when he has meetings and such, but when he's not got anything to do but still isn't online, I feel like I'm tethered to the computer for no reason, when I could be getting stuff accomplished. I feel like I'm supposed to be a "good little military wife" and be available to chat when it's convenient for him, but he only wants to get online before he goes to bed, instead of when he gets up, so it's around noon here. He fusses if I have to answer the Skype call on my cell phone instead of the computer, but I can't get errands run and such if I'm at home waiting by the computer.

Like I said, I know I shouldn't complain, but it just gets under my skin sometimes. Anyone else know the feeling?

kyrgyzstan · March 2012

sami1784:
I know that I should not complain, as I know that I have it really good compared to wives whose soldiers have more difficult deployments, but I get really irritated when DH says he'll be online at a certain time and then doesn't get online until like 2 hours later. I get even more irritated when I find out that he hasn't been doing anything really preventing him from getting online, just watching a movie or playing video games in his CHU.

I understand him not getting online until late when he has meetings and such, but when he's not got anything to do but still isn't online, I feel like I'm tethered to the computer for no reason, when I could be getting stuff accomplished. I feel like I'm supposed to be a "good little military wife" and be available to chat when it's convenient for him, but he only wants to get online before he goes to bed, instead of when he gets up, so it's around noon here. He fusses if I have to answer the Skype call on my cell phone instead of the computer, but I can't get errands run and such if I'm at home waiting by the computer.

Like I said, I know I shouldn't complain, but it just gets under my skin sometimes. Anyone else know the feeling?

A good military spouse is one who takes care of the home front and themselves so the SM can take care of the mission. I do not sit online for hours if H can't get on at the agreed upon time. It used to be that we'd be able to only chat on Sundays. If he wasn't around, I'd wait 30-60 minutes, and if he didn't show, I'd go about my day as usual. He's never not been on because of something trivial, it's been because they're in River City or he's on a flight gone late. I would be annoyed if he didn't value my time enough to get on when he says he would because of trivial stuff and then "fussed" at me for not being at the computer when HE wants. Deployments are hard on us back home too, obviously in a very different way, and both partners should be trying to make it as easy as possible on the other. H and I skype on my cell if we have to if we get a rare chance to skype. We don't get skype more than once every couple weeks or so, so we'll take it how we can get it.

I think you should have a non-aggressive chat with your H about this. Deployment is not an excuse to force you to be available whenever he wants. He's got to make an effort too.

NSL · March 2012

ITA with Stan. My husband had regular access to Skype and a good wireless connection while he was deployed so we sort of took daily contact for granted, but even then I would have been really irritated if he was holding up my day simply because he was too lazy to get to a computer at the scheduled time. Definitely talk to him about your frustrations and then don't tether yourself to the computer if he doesn't call during your window in the future. Get out, do something with your kid, and know that you'll talk to him next time. He can shoot you an e-mail or leave you a Skype message if there's anything important he wants to discuss.

Princess Fireball · March 2012

We skype with H everyday, usually twice a day because LO is usually sleeping during one of the times. I had it at the beginning of the year beacause he was always late. I told him that if he didn't think his family was a good enough reason to get out of bed 30 min before his shift started so we could Skype to let me know and we'd get rid of that skype time. Since then he's always sent me an email if he knows he's going to be late or rearranges the time to accomodate work things. We also agreed that if we didn't send a gchat message or email to switch the time that we'd only wait 15 min for the other one.

Emilia0101 · March 2012

If he was in a meeting/on duty etc. I wouldn't be upset I would wait 30 min then log off and go about my day. But standing you up for no reason would really make me mad. I think a marriage should have standards that include mutual respect of each others time and that doesn't go away just because they are deployed.

sami1784 · March 2012

His excuse today was the sand storm kept knocking out the internet - which is excuseable. However, it's not the first time that he's just randomly gotten online late. He's an officer, so he has meetings and such to go to, and I completely understand that one - he usually tells me when he's got a meeting the next evening so I know to expect him to be late. It's just when he's late, and gets online and I ask him what he's up to and his response is "playing football" or "watching tv".. then I get irritated.

I also wish he'd get online in the mornings when he gets up so that if I do have stuff that I need to talk to him about that either happened that day or that will be happening the next day, I can talk to him about it, instead of having to wait until the following day and risk forgetting. At the beginning of the deployment, while he was in the "acclimation" week, he'd get up and talk to me before reporting for duty, but now that he has to file reports and such in the mornings, he sleeps until the last second that he can before he absolutely has to get up.

barefootandboots · March 2012

sami1784:
His excuse today was the sand storm kept knocking out the internet - which is excuseable. However, it's not the first time that he's just randomly gotten online late. He's an officer, so he has meetings and such to go to, and I completely understand that one - he usually tells me when he's got a meeting the next evening so I know to expect him to be late. It's just when he's late, and gets online and I ask him what he's up to and his response is "playing football" or "watching tv".. then I get irritated.

I also wish he'd get online in the mornings when he gets up so that if I do have stuff that I need to talk to him about that either happened that day or that will be happening the next day, I can talk to him about it, instead of having to wait until the following day and risk forgetting. At the beginning of the deployment, while he was in the "acclimation" week, he'd get up and talk to me before reporting for duty, but now that he has to file reports and such in the mornings, he sleeps until the last second that he can before he absolutely has to get up.

I understand where you're coming from. The first deployment for us my husband was on a MEU (a naval aircraft carrier but he's a Marine) and communication was difficult for the same reasons as what you're going through, even though we only had email. He would expect me to be there as soon as he emailed, and I would get frustrated if he would tell me he'd email me after this or that and then I would get an email from an hour later him telling me, "Sorry, I got caught up in a movie, but why aren't you responding to me?"

I understand how stressful it is but what I learned from the last deployment and what is helping me on this deployment is that if I have something to tell him, I email him. I put in the subject IMPORTANT or something like that so it catches his attention and he knows he either needs to email me back about it or talk to me about it the next time we're on Skype. Like PPs have said, let him know that you will wait 15 minutes or so for him at the times he says he'll be online but then move about your day. He will learn that you're serious if you follow through. MH is an officer too, and yea things come up with their Marines (or soldiers if YH is Army) so it can be expected that communication isn't 100%.

But let him know that it bothers you that you don't feel as if you're a priority. And maybe schedule a certain day/time for Skyping so that he puts that as his priority and doesn't feel like he needs to Skype every day because that just might be too much for him (to MH, everyday is alot especially with writing awards, fitreps, after-actions, and doing EWS). He needs time during the day to wind down too.

I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to about deployment. It sounds like we're kind of in the same boat.

jenguinbear · March 2012

It aggravates me too. But usually when he finally comes online to call me, I let him know how upset I am that he let me down. He is always apologetic and then tries to make a better effort the next few times. Sometimes he'll slip up but I let him know when he's hurt me. In my husband's defense, it's usually never his fault (or so he says) that he was late to call or email, but I trust him.

kyrgyzstan · March 2012

sami1784:
He's an officer, so he has meetings and such to go to, and I completely understand that one - he usually tells me when he's got a meeting the next evening so I know to expect him to be late.

Enlisted personnel have meetings, and lots of responsibility for their juniors, and just as many reasons to be offline. Do not let your husband say with his actions that he's got too much responsibility to respect your time.

iluvmytxrgr · March 2012

I get where you are coming from. I do. I've been there before. You really need to talk to your husband about it so you both understand where each other are coming from.

There are times when MH gets back from a physically or emotionally draining mission and he just needed to get his head right before he talked to us. It can be hard going from tough guy mode to family mode. I never deployed when I was in, but even I had hard times transitioning from tough guy to mom when talking to my kids after intense training missions. Would you rather him have his head right or be distracted and distant.

Also, don't sit around and wait on him. Stick around for 30 min and then go about your day. MH doesn't have a regular schedule he follows when he's gone. I might be able to talk to him 3 days in a row and then we get nothing for 2 weeks. If I sat around waiting, I'd never go anywhere. The entire reason I orininally got an iPhone was for the fact that I could Skype with my H on it. I don't have to wait around.

KandT0919 · March 2012

I wonder if our hubbies are stationed together..!!! Mine had a really bad sandstorm this weekend too..

Vraechel · March 2012

My husband did this to me one time when he was deployed and I was pregnant. I was so angry when we finally skyped he refused to turn the sound on so I couldn't yell at him. chicken. He said i was already giving him the "look" and if i gave him the "tone" too he was afraid he'd turn to stone.Tell him it's not acceptable. Things happen Ok. Laziness? NOT OK. My hubbys really good now. Other wives contact me to see if the Internet is working cause he always calls on time.

sami1784 · March 2012

Vraechel:
My husband did this to me one time when he was deployed and I was pregnant. I was so angry when we finally skyped he refused to turn the sound on so I couldn't yell at him. chicken. He said i was already giving him the "look" and if i gave him the "tone" too he was afraid he'd turn to stone.Tell him it's not acceptable. Things happen Ok. Laziness? NOT OK. My hubbys really good now. Other wives contact me to see if the Internet is working cause he always calls on time.

Yeah, I can relate. I'm currently waiting for DH to get online - he said he'd be online sometime after 1.... it's 5 til 2. When I got ill with DH the other day because he got online so late, he just threatened to hang up... very mature, no? When LO is having a fit about something, DH will turn his volume off so he doesn't have to listen to it. Exactly what does he think he's going to do when he gets home and LO has a fit? Babies don't come with a mute button.

kyrgyzstan · March 2012

sami1784:

Yeah, I can relate. I'm currently waiting for DH to get online - he said he'd be online sometime after 1.... it's 5 til 2. When I got ill with DH the other day because he got online so late, he just threatened to hang up... very mature, no? When LO is having a fit about something, DH will turn his volume off so he doesn't have to listen to it. Exactly what does he think he's going to do when he gets home and LO has a fit? Babies don't come with a mute button.

That's ridiculous. Stop waiting around, and if he threatens to hang up, tell him you'll talk to him again when he's going to respect you and your time.

ateal2490 · March 2012

Can't you just direct your messages to go to your phone?

When DH deploys I go and enable mobile alerts for FB, AIM, Aol Mail, Skype, and our house phone. No matter where I am, he can reach me. I could not imagine sitting around waiting for that long...sorry your DH is being unsympathetic about this.

Edit: I just went back and read that he gets upset if you have to answer his Skype calls from your cell phone. He seriously has to consider that you have a life at home too. Would he rather you not be able to grocery shop just so you can answer via computer?

Ugh...double sorry for that one.

Waiting, waiting, always waiting...

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