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Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
BM called the police.
TheBuddha
member
DH has had custody of SS for 15 months now. In that time BM has done several "wellness checks" and called DCFS.
Tonight at 8:05pm my doorbell rang. It was a police officer. I was trying to get SS in bed (he is 8 and bedtime is 7:45pm but he showers like a teenager these days) and my 18 month old DS was running around like a wildman (I was going to bathe him as soon as SS was in bed).
I answer the door feeling VERY frazzled and the police officer asks if "DH" lives there. I say he does but he is not home (he is at a meeting). The officer says DH and this woman who called have an 8 year old son together and she has a court order saying she gets to talk to him every night.
Well, unfortunately for BM, this is not true. The order says if SS wants to call his mom DH is supposed to facilitate this and make sure it happens. It does not say "daily phone call". Regardless, this officer had not seen a copy of the order. He just took her word for it? The police NEVER take DH's word for anything when BM pulls something against the CO.
Anway, I tell the officer that is not true. He asks where SS is and I say he is getting into bed. The officer says he needs to see SS. I go back inside and get SS. I have to bring my 8 year old SS to the door to talk to a police officer at 8pm at night. Seriously? Then the officer has the balls to tell SS "You have to call your mom". WHAT?! How the F is that any of HIS business? Now the cops get to tell my kid what to do?
SS said "I talked to her 2 days ago. She knows I'm fine" (which made me laugh out loud) and I said goodbye to the police officer and shut the door.
As we went back upstairs SS asked why the policeman was there. I told him (maybe I shouldn't have?) that his mom called the police because she is angry at DH and he doesn't have to worry about it, it is not his fault in any way.
I am just frustrated and pissed and needed to vent. How long is this going to go on? A few threads down I posted about BM's current BF sending threatening emails to me and DH. I am pretty sure this "wellness check" was the BF's idea. Why does she have to be dating someone so malicious?
It really disrupted our evening and put a sour taste in my mouth.
Ok, end of my rant. Thanks for reading.
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: BM called the police.
Livid was the word I used when I texted my BFF to vent to her.
DH called me a few mintues ago and told he that the dispatcher had called him to talk about the situation. DH explained the CO to her and she said she would call BM back and inform her that the police are not there to check up on us for her. But if BM calls again...can they tell her to go pound salt?
I understand wellness checks and I am glad there is such a thing is certain situations. But BM is just doing this to be nasty and stress us out. Why would she want to scare her son?
I do think I will call the police tomorrow and file a complaint about the officer telling my SS what to do. That part is what really ticked me off.
Really? Do I really have grounds for a complaint? I was afraid she had every right to call the police whenever she wanted and demand a "wellness check".
If I can avoid this happening again in the future I will do whatever I need to.
Yes. Yes! That is exactly what she is doing. I am going to use that sentence tomorrow when I call. Thank you.
I agree with PP, contact the police department and your lawyer and at least start a paper trail....however I wouldn't expect immediate relief. My Ex has done the same kind of things, and when he realized the little stuff wasn't getting him anywhere, he stepped it up a notch. He even accused DH of sexually molesting my youngest when he was 3. The investigating officer told us flat out that it was total crap, the things he claimed a 3 year old told him, a 3 year old would never come up with, but he had to investigate so that he could file the report and close the case. He has accused DH of being an alcoholic (too funny because I bet we drink once every 6 months. He just happened to see his truck at a bar after work one night and got a bug up his butt), as well as being physically abusive to ME and my children. Every time we went through the proper steps while the cops just shake their heads and do what they have to do. There is nothing that can be done to him for these false accusations as they are about kids and that seems to put him a little bubble of protective coating. After 6 years of this crap, the FOC finally realized his maliciousness, and thanked me for my patience, while talking to him about his absurdity. But they still won't do anything to him.
Hang in there and start that paper trail! Sooner or later the powers that be will see what is really happening...or karma will kick in! Good luck.
I don't blame you- I am always very careful what I say to dc about the shenanigans exh pulls, but if I was in your shoes I would say exactly the same thing!!!!! So don't beat yourself up about this (if you are!).
I agree with ppers- file a complaint with the police about how they handled it, and in addition see if you can get a harassment against BM. I am all about using the police process when I need to- I have filed reports against exh in the past. I have never needed one in court to date, but at least they are on record if I need them in the future. Always good to get a paper trail.
Worst comes to worst, in the future if this does happen again, I would have a copy of the court order near the front door and I would just show the officer what it really says.
This is so weird to me. My husband has been a police officer for 10 years and I don't think he has ever had to do a wellness check. They would go to a house if there was a call of so sort of violence or crime, but nothing like this. The cop should of just asked to see the CO and not talk to the child. I would be so pissed if I were you.
I just got off the phone with the commander at the police dept. He was very nice and has apparently dealth with "pyscho" (his words!) ex's plenty before. He recommended that next time this happens to ask the officer performing the check to provide the written custody order. He said some ex's go as far as to fax a fake order to the police to get them to do what they want. If he does have some fake paperwork, he advised that we have a copy of the order near the door to show the officer.
He also said to call our lawyer to create a paper trail. If she does this enough, we can get a restraining order against her that prevents her from calling the police to do a "wellness check". Which by the way when I said I wanted to discuss a wellness check performed at my home last night the officer said "wellness check?" Like - what the heck is that?!
I appreciate the advice and encouragement from everyone. I wish I could let it roll off, but having an officer at the door telling my stepson what to do REALLY bothered me. The officer in charge did tell me that was not correct and next time I can tell the policeman "please refrain from speaking to my SS".
Ugh. It is exhausting to deal with this. I have had the police at my house 3 times since last January AND had DCFS at my house. It is a total joke. The guy from DCFS knew exactly what was going on the minute he stepped into our home. He was like "um, this home doesn't look like a danger" When DH explained the custody change the guy was like "ooooooh. Got it". A bio parent calling DCFS on the other parent just to be obnoxious? Grow up.
Anyway, that is where we are now. DH is going to talk to SS when he gets home from school about how the officer should not have said anything to SS about calling his mom. SS should not be scared into calling her, she should call her because he WANTS to! Am I crazy to think that?
As a police officer, we are often called out in these kinds of situations. I am a shocked that the officer didn't ask to see a copy of the court order. When we have situations like that, we always ask to see a copy of the order.
As police officers we cannot "enforce" orders (i.e. force parents to hand over custody to the other parent, even if it is stated in the court order) We make sure everyone is safe, and tell the person to get in touch with their attorney in the morning because it is a civil matter (to file contempt charges if necessary).
I would definitely call and file a complaint. I think it was TOTALLY out of line for the office to tell your SS he had to call his mother. He should have read the CO, asked to see SS if he felt the need, and went on his way.
FWIW, many police officers kind of "freak out" when it comes to situations like this. The lines are hazy about what can and cant be done. Maybe he was new and hasn't dealt with this many times.
That is crazy!! We often do "dispo" checks (disposition) checks when requested through headquarters. Usually they are no big deal, but recently we had one and the deputies found the poor man dead in his house.
It could be because he works for the state police and not a city or county? Or it was never a big deal and he just has never mentioned it?
Ugh, these things always happen when you're super-frazzled and leave you looking back going "WHY didn't I say THIS instead?"
You handled it exactly the way I would have. I hope the police chief will give his officers a chat up about how to handle these kinds of things going forward. But it's good that you know now to keep a copy of your CO on hand.
My DH is one too, unfortunately he is called to a lot of crappy calls like this one. Infact he just went to one two nights ago that was very similar to this one. It's sad that people use the police to deal with their family drama, but believe me my DH at least would much rather stay out of these calls, they are wasteful when there are people who actually need help. I agree with the PP, contact your lawyer, she should not be able to be harassing your family. Keep track of the calls so you can provide instances of when the events happened.