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Blended Families
MrsBPO
member
All right ladies, question time.
MrsBPO
member
DD1 is fed up with her kid's BF. There's no parenting plan, she's giving him money because he's a load who doesn't work and she wants their son to have stuff at dad's house too, etc. He's been calling and harassing her and if she doesn't pick up her phone he phone-bombs her boyfriend (who can't turn off his phone for work reasons). He's threatened to take their son out of the city and out of the state. So, help a girl out with a parenting plan. She's finally on board with filing a parenting plan to get some sort of order to their custody arrangement. (They've been working cooperatively but he's been rather a problem since she's dating a new and improved version.)
What is in yours that you like?
What is in yours that you don't like?
What is NOT in yours that you wish was?
(Insert any other question or suggestion here.)
This discussion has been closed.
Re: All right ladies, question time.
Were they married? If not, she can tell the BF to take a hike and file for visitation himself. In the meantime, she can file for child support.
Here is a link to the standard visitation set forth in my county:
https://www.kimberlydunham.com/BrownVisitation.pdf
Brief (ha!) Background: XH and I had a pretty acrimonious divorce, but it was all over money issues. Other than him using custody as a bargaining chip when he had no genuine interest in it at all, parenting DS has never been something we've fought over. We have always been able agree on parenting time, and as XH is long distance, he's never fought me on a parenting issue.
When we were working on our parenting plan, we were told by our attorneys that we could go one of two ways. One was an order that spelled out EOW, pickup/dropoff times, specifics for all holidays, etc. The other way was to just entitle XH to "fair and liberal visitation." XH didn't want to be obligated, so we opted for the latter choice.
Likes: I really like the whole "fair and liberal" visitation thing. I know most people would prefer specifics, but this has always worked really well for us. DS was only 18 months when we split, so I have always appreciated that the CO allowed us to adapt to DS getting older without running back to court all the time.
This may sound weird, but I also think that this wording helped us figure out how to get past our dislike of each other and work together. If we'd had a CO spelling out what we had to do, we might have not been forced to cooperate.
I also like that our CO addresses medical/insurance issues, and provides a timeline for reimbursement.
Dislikes: As XH and I have joint legal custody, there's a line in the CO about how we should make important decisions together. Since XH is so far away, this just isn't really relevant. I wish that there was something in there that empowered the CP to make decisions, but gave the NCP a bit of recourse if the NCP truly did not approve. It's all so vague, I just don't know if XH is going to get a random wild hair about not being consulted on an issue.
The part about who carries health insurance for DS is really confusing, and I hate it. I got bullied into it, and I still resent it. It basically says that whoever can insurance DS least expensively (for comparatively similar coverage) should do it, and the difference will be adjust in the support payment. I wish it was just stated that I would cover him.
What I wish was there: There's a sex offender in XH's family, and I wish I had spelled out in the CO that DS is not allowed to be around him. As far as I know, DS has never met the man, but I would feel better if I had put it in there.
I wish I had put something in there obligating XH to pay for transportation costs. He has paid for all of them thus far, but since it's not covered in the CO, he could potentially make it an issue at any time. I also wish it said that parenting time arrangements had to be made 30 days in advance.
If I were going back to court, I would want an attorney to see if DH could be given any legal rights/protections when it comes to DS. Not to take anything away from XH, but just to give him the right to seek emergency medical care for DS, for example.
My ex and I were never married but have a CO for joint custody and joint guardianship. We live 2 hours apart and he gets visitation every other weekend and we alternate driving (my parent's live in his town so I stay with them on my weekends to drive).
He has equal say on all matters relating to education, health and religion but if we cannot come to an agreement, ultimately the decision is mine unless he decides to go back to court about it. I wish that part was a little clearer because I have to and do inform him of any major decisions, but he seems to think I need to ask/tell him about everything going on in DD1's life. He's entitled and receives any information he asks for, but he rarely communicates between visits unless he needs to change something and fails to realize that it's his responsiblity to request information unless it's a major life decision for her.
I also wish that there was something in our agreement that at a certain age, DD1 could decide if she did not want to visit. So far things are good with her and her dad, but I have a few friends whose kids dread going to the other parent's house.
One other item in our agreement that I'm thankful for is the ability to move. I had moved for work before we had an agreement in place and have a fairly large radius that I'm allowed to move within. I know others whose moving restrictions sometimes don't even cover our entire city. Our agreement also states that if he leaves the city he currently resides in, my moving restrictions are lifted.
God, I wish this was in my CO... so def try to add this in if you can. It would make things much easier.
Re holidays we went with our states norms, which split up holidays a certain way (usually transfer of child at noon or so). I wish we had thought that through a bit because we prefer to alternate holidays. But since it is not in the CO, exh gives me a hard time about it every year. So that is one thing I would change.
ExH wanted right of first refusal if I was going to be away from dc for a set number of hours. I got instead, right of first refusal for business travel. I am so glad I held out for that, because I read about others who have strict right of first refusal clauses and have to let their exes babysit for them whenever they want to go out for a few hours. Also it allows DC to do sleep overs when they get older.
Make sure something is in there about giving notice if you want to take dc away for vacation- 30 days notice required is the norm.
I can move anywhere within the state- that was also a good thing to include.
That is all I can think of right now- good luck!
Negatives:
He doesn't work and hasn't for at least three years. (He has Crohn's and therefore "can't" work. It would help if he quit eating double-burgers, chili fries and Fritos with chili, you know?)
One major concern I have is that DD's current boyfriend is in the military and if it gets more serious (it's already pretty serious) there needs be a clause allowing for her to be a trailing spouse rather than tied to the state. She and current BF are trying to figure out where they stand while he is deployed and then transferred. He is of the "come with me" camp.
ExBF is, or tries to be, controlling. He whines, calls incessantly until he gets his way, etc. She generally caves to get him to leave her alone. I am trying to retrain her to retrain him.
They were never married. They have one child, six years old. They were together for eight years. They're in the process of splitting the property.
I like that it's very specific on times for holidays and visitation. Usually we are cooperative, but if BM is being unreasonable we can always say, "Sorry, the CO says we get SD at this time, so that is when we will get her."
I wish she had to pay child support. The CO states that they will provide 50/50 for all medical, education, and extra-curricular expenses. But if BM doesn't have the money she just doesn't pay, which leaves us to either pay it or tell SD she can't participate. We have primary physical custody, and we pay for everything...
I wish we had a clause that said people who baby-sit must be okayed by both parents, and an address must be given to the other parent. It's scary not knowing where SD is sometimes or who she's being left with. And we know for a fact some of the people she's being left with are less than stellar.
DH and BM have joint legal custody. BM has primary physical custody and DH has visitation. their CO is 3/4 page and VERY vague. mostly it says "holidays will be agreed upon by the parties depending on their work schedules" "school vacations will be agreed upon by the parties depending on their work schedules" etc. etc. you get the idea. before DH and I got together BM dictated the entire thing and DH went along with it. this included ridiculous pick ups, late night drop offs and DH missing out on several holidays.
I have since encouraged DH to 'step it up' and take advantage of the CO. now BM hates me and fights us tooth and nail for every hour. so dumb.
we are in the process of going back to court to get specific with our CO. we're going the whole 9 yards, dates, times, specific holidays, birthdays, all of it. since BM has such huge issues coming to "mutual" agreements with us we're going to duke it out in front of a judge. wish us luck
anyway, our CO also has a clause that says that the parents will split the costs of college (I'm NOT a huge fan of this clause. obviously we will do what we can to help SD with college, but being obligated to pay 50% kind of sucks)
we also have a clause that neither party can move more then 50 miles from the other. I wish the distance were a little further, I had to move almost 3 hours from my parents and would like to be a little closer to home.
there is also a clause that each party has to have a $200,000 life insurance policy in the other parents name in case of the parents death to take care of SD. the wording is kind of funny though and the way its interpretted is if DH died, BM would get the money, but if she died after receiving the money her new husband would get the money with no obligation to use it for SD. We are going to work on the wording of that when we go to court.
since your DD wasn't married, she technically already has custody. she needs to go file a temporary order, if the father wants visitation he needs to file for that seperately.