Hard with friends?

NewlyWeds13 · March 2012

It is weird... I am 42 and my DH is 44 and by choice my husband and I waited a long time to have kids (full awareness it was a risk). Anyways, most of our friends either are childless or have 10 + year olds. We have a 2 year old and one due in 5.5 months.

No one says anything outwardly negative, but I sometimes feel like there is so little we all have in common anymore. Most of these people we have been friends with for years, so it is weird for me that having our son has seemed to change our relationships with them (when them having kids never did).

We have done some stuff with much younger couples but that is sometimes ackward as well (we have a 29 and 31 year old couple friend).

Anyone relate and if so, how did you cope or handle?

BrideBuddies · March 2012

We just spent the weekend in KC with a large group of friends we see a few times a year. We've known them for 20+ years, but it's harder now since we have a 2 year old and none of them have kids.

Stayed at a non-kid-friendly casino. They spent much of their time at the bars, watching basketball games and visiting. Most woke up for the day (hungover) around 11am. Evening dinners usually got organized around 8pm, if you're lucky.

Yes, it's a huge PITA to try and see these friends, but if you want to maintain the relationships, we make concessions. We now tend to be the organizers of certain activities, like lunch, so we can push the timeline to our favor and schedule around naptime. They know we have to bow out of some things, but it's still harder on us than it is on them.

If they all live in your town, invite them over more often than you used to... that way you can stay up later but still have some routine for the kiddo.

CheezeFace · March 2012

Going through the same thing here - we waited. Well, then we were infertile (oh, the irony). One of my BFFs from HS has an 8th grader and a Sophmore. My oldest niece is graduating from HS.

Sometimes I feel left out of my old circle but drinking, waking up hungover (because guess who isn't hungover in the morning??), going out all night or even just doing a trip to the mall isn't in the picture for me right now. And, frankly, I'm OK with that. Because I have lap time at the library, stroller strides and mammy and me yoga to do. If it is a choice between wine after work with girlfriends or formula and spit up with my LO - it such an easy choice.

I stay in touch with my friends as much as I can - I try to call when the baby is asleep and ask about them and their worlds. I email a lot more than I used to - its easier. And I send out actual cards with actual pictures in them...just to let people know that I'm thinking of them.

Older mommies are out there - I've met tons through meetup.com. Just keep looking for us Where are you located?

Strunella · March 2012

I actually have several friends in their early 40s who are still having babies--not at all uncommon in the NYC area. Our youngest friends are in their mid-30s (and they're still having babies). On the other hand, I have friends whose kids range from 6 to 16...and even two friends who are a bit older than I am with kids in their 20s and 30s. I haven't really noticed a difference in my friendships. Your schedule might be a bit more restrictive with little ones, but once you're comfortable leaving baby, you and your DH can still meet up with old friends for adult time. It's true that the kid-related conversations will be miles apart...they're talking about grades and maybe even thinking about college...and you're talking about bottles and diapers. But once you get past that part of the conversation, there are plenty of other things to talk about.

elainedave · March 2012

I see what you mean... although I've actually found that some of my good friends who have older kids are excited to share their knowledge with me as FTM and hold a newborn again. In some ways it has brought us a little closer. With other (w/o kids) friends, we talk politics, music, etc. whatever we used to talk about -- I dont want to talk about baby stuff all the time. Its harder though bc still on maternity leave and pretty much all I do these days involves an infant in tow. But it's an important outlet! Finally, there are some friends that I havent really seen or talked with since LO was born 11 weeks ago. That sucks. Will see what happens...

NewlyWeds13 · March 2012

Thanks everyone.

I am in a suburb of Milwaukee for someone that asked:)

We moved her 6 years ago and I think that is part of the problem. In the mid-west it seems uncommon to be an older mom:)

CheezeFace · March 2012

NewlyWeds13:

Thanks everyone.

I am in a suburb of Milwaukee for someone that asked:)

We moved her 6 years ago and I think that is part of the problem. In the mid-west it seems uncommon to be an older mom:)

I was the one asking...I have friends in the midwest and most of them are completely freaked out that I'm just barely having babies now. I worked in NYC for a few years and now live in Alaska and in these places the majority of the people I know are either just starting their families or don't have children yet.

I would have to agree with you, though. The midwest seems more prone to younger mommies. Try meetup.com. I actually found a group specifically for older moms...and getting together with these ladies and their kids has been one of the biggest joys of becoming a Mom. Sort of like this board, there is a real sense of community, support, love and low drama.

Also, at 36, I'm one of the younger people there and that doesn't happen to me very often anymore j/k.

jlw2505 · March 2012

I think it is much harder to be friends with people who have kids of different ages than when one couple has kids and the other doesn't. It just involves more juggling around, you are interested in doing different things - one might need to deal with sitters while the other is past that stage. Your general day to day is so different. As crazy as it sounds, DH and I end up having issues with my 2 sisters when we do our annual family vacation - they both kids that range in ages from turning 11 to 8 (5 kids in those age ranges) while my kids are 4 and 5 years. My kids and my sisters kids have different schedules and different interests and while they love to be together, planning events that fit everyones needs can be a challenge. We make it work but DH and I have accepted years ago that until our kids are a little older and past naps and earlier bedtimes, we just miss our on certain things that the families with older kids can do. We are lucky that our group of friends seem to have kids in the same general age range, most of DH's friends (I moved to where he lives and most of my friends are in different states) had had kids in the same time frame and are his age so it works for us but we have made friends with people that are younger but I have never felt it to be strange - granted by younger, I would say all within 10 years but honestly, once out of the 20's, age seems so irrelevant to me.

stever · March 2012

Meh, I don't think it's a big deal. I have 1 friend with a toddler and the rest are either child free or have tweens. It is what it is and everyone moves at their own pace. DH and I have been together nearly 13 years, but we weren't ready to 'settle down' until a few years ago.

NewMrs07 · March 2012

I can understand weirdness with the friends who don't have kids, but the ones who do? That's bizarre to me. My friends have always been friends, even if some of them have teenagers and I have a toddler. I definitely grew apart from the friends that never had kids, it was natural, we just didn't have much in common anymore and I didn't have time to catch up with them. Plus, we've moved around a lot.

I would stress too much about it. Just focus on the true friends and let the other "friendships" run their course. Sometimes friends come back, sometimes they get lost forever. People's lives are constantly changing, I've learned not to take it too personally. BTW, congrats on your new baby!

NewMrs07 · March 2012

NewMrs07:
I can understand weirdness with the friends who don't have kids, but the ones who do? That's bizarre to me. My friends have always been friends, even if some of them have teenagers and I have a toddler. I definitely grew apart from the friends that never had kids, it was natural, we just didn't have much in common anymore and I didn't have time to catch up with them. Plus, we've moved around a lot.
I would stress too much about it. Just focus on the true friends and let the other "friendships" run their course. Sometimes friends come back, sometimes they get lost forever. People's lives are constantly changing, I've learned not to take it too personally. BTW, congrats on your new baby!

I mean "I would NOT stress too much about it", lol. Fast typing.

Sunidaze · March 2012

Since I've had Stella...or even before I actually became pregnant, I've find myself and my friends going in separate directions. I have never really had a large group of friends...it would be more accurate to say a large group of 'acquaintenances' that we would hang out with on occasion...but it appears we're all at different points in our life. I have up the bar scene and that sort of thing in the months before getting pregnant, and despite our age, most of these people wanted to continue to hang out at the bars. That alone whittled me down to my very few closest friends. And since having Stella, one of those friends seems to have gone her own way. Very disappointing since we've been friends since first grade...but she refuses to grow up (dating someone who is at least 13 or 14 years younger than her, continues to be a cook in a local deli working for squat when she has a college education, etc.).

I've been so busy with Stella and work that honestly, for the most part I'm fine with the fact that we've all gone our separate ways. I've made some new friends in the past couple of years (though the nest, of all places) and I'm exploring my own neighborhood and leaving myself open to maybe finding new friendships there.

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