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Working Moms
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If your DH is a SAHD
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How did you relinquish control? I am going back to work in a few weeks and DH will become a SAHD. I am a little bit concerned about how he will handle everything. I have beeen doing everything while I've been on leave which I don't mind at all. I have everything organized and clean just how I want it. I don't want to freak out on him for say putting an outfit in the wrong spot, but I do expect him to step up and take on primary responsibility of the household things as well as taking care of DD. We have discussed this a lot and he is confident he can get it all done. I'm just not sure he realizes how much work it will be. How did you transition into having a SAHD DH? What responsibilities do you still handle and what is he in charge of?
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Re: If your DH is a SAHD
DH was a SAHD from when DD was 3 months-16 months. Basically you have to realize that he is not going to do things the way you would - if you want them done your way, you need to do it - and also realize it takes time to transition. Don't expect everything to be smooth by the end of the first week.
We planned that DH was responsible for anything relating to DD (cleaning bottles, getting her dressed etc) but the other things (laundry, cooking, cleaning) we would split. This worked for us. I wanted DH to spend his time and energy with DD and for his "job" to be with her. When she was napping and he had energy, he would totally jump in and do more, but we basically split the household duties.
You will have to relinquish a LOT of control. Once I made a conscious effort to do so, I found I was much happier. I ended up choosing not to care which drawer her shirts were in, and I spent my time at home enjoying my family.
This is what worked for us. You'll need to figure out what works for you. Good luck!
This. From your OP, it sounds like you're going to have problems if you're not careful about your expectations of your DH. He's NOT going to do things the way you are, and you're both going to be miserable if that's your expectation.
I also think that expecting him to keep the house clean and all that is a bit much, unless you have a really easy baby who sleeps all the time. My DS doesn't nap, so any cleaning waits until he's in bed for the night. If either of us was a stay at home parent, the other would come home to a disaster of a house at night.
I do know that whenever anyone posts about SAHMs whose DH's expect the house to be clean, people jump all over them. The primary responsibility of a SAHP is to watch and engage the child... not clean. Again, IMO expectations can be adjusted based on the baby. My best friend's baby is so laid-back that she could clean the house, cook gourmet meals, and write a novel during the day. My DS is the exact opposite and required *constant* attention without even a break for naps.
This! I am VERY type-A and I like things a certain way.
DH has been a SAHD since DD#1 was born in 2004 and it works for us. He is responsible for taking care of the kids during the day and making dinner. He has his own way of doing things and, while it may not be how I would do things, he does a GREAT job with the kids. In the end, as long as it is not a safety issue, it shouldn't matter to me how things get done as long as they are done.
At first, he could really only handle getting DD#1 taken care of. As he has found his stride, he does a lot of things around the house - laundry, dishes, and a lot of other household chores. The older kids help him in our garden and they help him cook and bake. I still clean the bathrooms.
We have decided to homeschool our children, so that task falls largely on him as does the task of getting them to our homeschool group activities during the week.
You will need to figure out what works for you and what is more important to you.
I will say it's a work in progress. I'm not sure if you're planning on BFing and pumping, but, if you are, you're probably going to HAVE to take some control there. I had to really educate my husband on how big of a deal it was to waste milk, etc., because he didn't really understand the effort involved in pumping 5 times / day to keep up with our son's needs.
Other than that, I'd agree with the others who have said that you have to realize that he's going to do things his own way, and that's ok. I'm also very type A, and I still struggle with relinquishing control at times. It's easier now that my son is older (and weaned during the day), but I still struggle with it from time to time.
Sometimes, you need two opinions (such as the decisions related to BM vs whole milk vs formula), and my husband always respects my opinion. In other cases, though (like, say, lunch options for my son), you really just have to let things go.
Good luck!
I agree with the PP's. It's a little hard to transition, and you do have to let go of a lot of control which takes time to get used to and really understand what that means. But he will need to find his own way of managing the baby and the household and he is going to have a different style, different priorities, and different strengths than you. So his way of doing it is going to be different but not necessarily worse or bad. Even though it's going to probably feel worse than yours, because to you right now it is just the way you like it.
At our house, DD is much more into cleaning and tidying, and I am much more into meal prep and projects with the kids. So when I stayed home on mat leave it was not as clean but we ate more home-cooked meals and had a better stocked fridge. Now that he's home, it's much tidier but we fly by the seat of our pants at supper time 4/7ths of the time. That's just where our talents/interests like.
I try to do some meal planning and food prep and grocery shopping, but sometimes when I get busy I don't have time. In general though I would say I still take the lead on that. DH does most of the laundry and dishes and cleaning. I help him get the kids ready in the morning.
Good luck! Just give yourselves room and time and keep the lines of communication open.
My DH has been a PT SAHD for 3 mos now and we're still figuring this out. Overall we're pleased how it's going: LO is happy, we're (mostly) patient with each other. I would like him to take on more responsibility (e.g. washing clothes is good, putting them away is good too). I'm not sure what he would like from me... oh, yeah, he'd want me to stress less (e.g. about a mis-matched pumping/bottle time). Like I said, it's going well, I am thrilled one of us is home with LO PT. That counts for a lot in my book. GL!
Transition: I had an activity list (e.g. tummy time, music time, etc.) he referenced until he was up to speed with his own ideas (e.g. biking, hiking). I had a eat-sleep log we filled out jointly.
Responsibilities: DH to care and engage our daughter, grocery shop, cook, some cleaning. Me to work, BF/pump, some cleaning. We share evening care and alternate who's in charge of the bedtime routine and 1st wake-up (10pm-3am). Ummm, I know there's more, but I'm brain dead, happily so --- I had a huge couple weeks at work recently and LO cut her 2nd tooth and had a growth spurt and I did it! I now officially feel like a successul working mom! It was a little bumpy, but ultimately satisfying.
TTC#1 2003, 5 angels above, IVF-PGS-FET, DD b. Aug-2011
TTC#2 2012/13? FET
My DH is sort of a SAHD. We work opposite shifts so he is the primary caregiver for our DD's while I am at work 3 days a week. As PP have mentioned, it will take a bit of adjustment, but you both need to realize that your DD will come before household chores. In the beginning, I think that DH was just in survival mode, meaning that as long as our kids were fed, happy, and clean, nothing else mattered.
Eventually, you guys will get the hang of things and maybe asking him to do some laundry or keep the kitchen clean will be feasible, but not right away. As your DD grows and gains a little more independence, maybe asking for more household stuff to get done can be done, but just don't have great expectations of a pristine house until that time, if at all on his watch.
Easy. He's good at that stuff, and I'm not. Our house is a disaster, but it would be a bigger disaster if I were at home. I'm thinking the solution might be (if we can afford it), to take a portion of next year's tax refund and pay for someone to come in twice a month to clean.
He assures me he'll be able to keep the house cleaner once our remodel is done, and maybe he will. Until then, our house is a construction zone, so I can't expect it to be perfect. I work about 60-80 hours a week (much of it at home grading -- I'm a professor with a ridiculous courseload), and he teaches guitar at an Art Center when I get home, and he's in two bands which have gigs on weekends. It's not really like we have time to have a spotless house, but there have been bigger tragedies in the history of civilization than having a messy house.
ETA: I'm amazed that my guy can do things like build custom cabinets and countertops at home while he's watching our LO. I can't even grade papers when I'm home alone with LO.
Mac and cheese lover!
I really think this is the most important part for everyone being happy. And realistic.
DH has been a SAHD all along (and on purpose; he didn't lose his job). Regardless of enthusiasm, newborns are usually a lot of work. DH does work double shifts on weekends and I didn't ever manage to keep things clean/cooked/etc when on my own Sat/Sun either.
I also didn't do everything myself while on maternity leave. He was involved all along so everything was familiar once I returned to work.
It also helps that I'm Type Z or whatever it would be called. My job is all hyper-detailed quality control but I completely let that go at home.
In terms of dividing things up, we basically start from scratch when I get home. I've done 8 hours at my job. He's done 8 hours at his (baby care, period). We're even. And then we split the housework in the evenings.
Grocery delivery rules.
DH is a SAHD simply because he works evenings/weekends as a professional cellist. I am a teacher, and knew that I couldn't take much time off for maternity leave. When DD was around 9 weeks old I went back to work.
While on maternity leave, I definitely took the lead on things. DH and I did our best to share the responsibility, but I also took my chance to really have 1 on 1 time with DD.
When I went back to work, we had a small notebook we kept on the counter for keeping track of everything. There were many times we had to talk about what our expectations were for each other. I had these grand ideas of things that DH could do while DD was sleeping...or now, while DD is playing/interacting with him. You'll adjust your expectations as you keep going. Keep the lines of communication open because this could cause fights...