Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

TTC and being compared to past ...

HisChamaoleGirlHisChamaoleGirl member
in Blended Families

DH and I are TTC and every month we fail I make suggestions on things we can do to increase our chances. For example, smoking isnt the best thing in general for DH to do and it certainly doesnt help TTC. When I mention it he points out that him and BM both smoked and were able to have SS. Well, yes I understand that its still possible to get KU while having bad habits, but its also my understanding that losing those habits can increase ...

 

Has anyone else had to deal with this before?

BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

image 

Report Reply to Post

Re: TTC and being compared to past ...

  • Holly_1007Holly_1007 member

    ouch! does DH understand how hurtful that is? is that the only comment he has made or does he say similar things alot? how long have you been ttc?

    it can take up to a year to conceive, don't get your hopes up just yet! personally, I would have a heart to heart discussion with dh,, firstly he doesn't need to compare you and bm, and if I were you, I would be VERY hurt by a comment like that. 

    don't approach it accusingly, just say that it hurts your feelings when he compares, if he is serious about starting a family with you there are a few habits or things you would like to consider together.  but keep in mind that quitting smoking isnt quite as easy as something like eating healthier or switching underwear types or something. 

                           
                         View Full Size Image  View Full Size Image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • WahooWahoo member

    I would tell your H that you don't like being compared to his ex! 

    I would also add that....if your H is considerably older than he was when he conceived the first time, that alone could be hurting you (or if you are older than his ex was).  So while it may have been easy for two 25-year-olds, it is just not the same for two 30+ year olds.  You have to do what you need to to improve your odds.

    If you need to, I would point out that if things were so easy with his ex, he would still be married to her, so you're not sure why he is comparing the two of you. 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
    Report Reply
  • sabrina69barnessabrina69barnes member

    We did. DH had SS and SD when we got married and I had DS1 so we started our marriage with 3 children. With the exception of this time I've gotten pregnant very easily but I don't stay pregnant easily. This is my 3rd child but my 8th pregnancy.

    DH doesn't smoke or drink but my OB did give us a list of things we could do to improve our chances like cut back on caffine and DH switch what kind of underwear he wore. DH acted like I was crazy for wanting to follow my OB's advice. It didn't help when he told MIL. Since a miscarriage in Dec 2010 I wasn't really ovulating so my OB put me on Clomid and then progesterone supplements during my first trimester since my levels were so low. DH and MIL both gave me crap for that. All I kept hearing was how easy it was to have a baby, all BM had to do is open her legs, and a bunch of other crap. BM got brought up a lot and it kind of made me feel like a failure. I finally told DH and MIL to basicly STFU. Having a baby may be easy for BM but I only got pregnant and stayed pregnant this time because of medical intervention.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • acardona1010acardona1010 member
    Well if it makes you feel any better.  My husband jokingly said the other night that I needed to have my ovaries checked because he obviously isn't the problem.  He's lucky he was joking and I laughed because otherwise I would've come unglued.  :)
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • honeybee #1honeybee #1
    imageWahoo:

    I would tell your H that you don't like being compared to his ex! 

    I would also add that....if your H is considerably older than he was when he conceived the first time, that alone could be hurting you (or if you are older than his ex was).  So while it may have been easy for two 25-year-olds, it is just not the same for two 30+ year olds.  You have to do what you need to to improve your odds.

    If you need to, I would point out that if things were so easy with his ex, he would still be married to her, so you're not sure why he is comparing the two of you. 

    I pretty much ended up doing this. I hate any comparisons, and DH was horrible about it for a long time. Comparisons about the pregnancies, the births, everything. It always made me feel less the woman, especially the fact that she supposedly couldn't have kids and then got pregnant twice in three years, once on BC, while I never even had a real pregnancy scare in 6 years.

    DH even used to join in the womens birth story conversations with tales of his first two's birth's and BM's pregnancies. While I can't begrudge the kids' births being good memories, I always hated it, it left me out entirely.

    Tell him to stuff it, and remember that none of that has anything to do with you and he TTC.

    Report Reply
  • socloudy99socloudy99 member

    1. A crack head can carry a baby full term but it doesn't mean that is how it should be done.

    2. If he really wants to stop smoking I did it with the book "How to Quit the Easy Way" by Allen Carr. I heard about it on the nest and it worked. I smoked from 14-31 a pack a day but quit pretty easy for the last 8 months. It shouds goofy but I swear it works!

    3. Good Luck! I have been pg twice since DH and I started TTC and m/c both times. It was tough but I know our time will come.

    Report Reply
  • Karma1969Karma1969 member
    Things can change. When I didn't get pg everyone figured it was an issue with me since he had already had a child. It turned out to be a sperm issue and nothing to do with me. Your H shouldn't make assumptions.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • kristen0393kristen0393

    I don't see it as him trying to make you feel like it's your issue.  I see it as him trying to take the blame off of his habit.  It doesn't sound like he is ready to quit smoking and was using the "but BM & I smoked & got pregnant" to break down that suggestion.  Is he doing this about other things?  Then I might change my take on it. 

    I'd have a sit down with him and talk about your insecurities.  When DH & I were TTC I paniced when it didn't happen right away.  "Obviously DH was able to have kids so there must be something wrong with me.  I'll never have kids of my own."  I was wrong.  It doesn't happen right away and it can be very emotional when you are trying. 

    PhotobucketLilypie Second Birthday tickers
    Report Reply
  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    Usually my attitude towards this is that it's normal to draw from personal experiences with something, and both partners should be sensitive to each other's feelings on the issue.

    BUT in that particular circumstance, DH would have been spending the night on the couch. Defending an unhealthy habit + comparing you to his ex + struggling TTC = sh!t list. He owes you an apology IMO.  

    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
    Report Reply
  • kali55kali55 member
    imagefellesferie:

    Usually my attitude towards this is that it's normal to draw from personal experiences with something, and both partners should be sensitive to each other's feelings on the issue.

    BUT in that particular circumstance, DH would have been spending the night on the couch. Defending an unhealthy habit + comparing you to his ex + struggling TTC = sh!t list. He owes you an apology IMO.  

    This!

    Also I wanted to suggest acupuncture for you!  I had a mc with my first pregnancy and started seeing an acupuncturist and got pregnant right away and kept seeing her throughout the pregnancy and I had a text book pregnancy  

    Best of luck TTC 



    BabyFruit Ticker
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"