So confused. I must be in another dimension.

CFjo2010 · March 2012

My husband received a text from BM tonight asking if they could talk. He replied and told her absolutely not, everything is to be done by email. BM responds, "It's not about K. BF and I broke up and I just really need to talk to someone". Um, huh? Why does she want to talk to my husband about her break up (yet again) with her BF? Weird. My husband told her that her relationship is none of his business or concern unless it effects K or she needs us to keep K overnight. He never heard back. When it was time to drop K back off at Grandma's, my husband asked me to do it so BM wouldn't try to discuss her relationship issues with him and he figured I would be the absolute last person she'd want to confide in. Great, thanks buddy.

I get to Grandma's to drop off K and BM is waiting outside. Bawling her eyes out. Full blown ugly crying in the driveway. I froze. How do you approach something like that?! I deliberately took my time getting out of the car, getting K out of the car, readjusting K's backpack... anything to give BM time to compose herself. Which she didn't. As we got closer K starts asking why Mommy is crying, and I just said, "I don't really know sweetie. How about you go inside?". As soon as K ran inside BM leans towards me. I immediately took a step back and asked, "What are you doing?" She said she just "really needs a hug right now". Um, what? From me? The woman who claims I ruined her life by marrying my husband and "destroying" their family, now wants a hug from me?! I patted her awkwardly on the back and told her to calm down for K's sake. I offered to bring K back home with me and take her to school in the morning so that BM can have some time to herself and she refuses. She says K is the only good thing she has in her life right now and "can't stand to be away from her for another moment". So I left.

I told my husband what happened and he's dumbfounded. He text BM asking to keep K tonight because she really shouldn't see her mom like that and he's received no response. I am completely confused...

Why would she even want to discuss her relationship woes with us? BM has made it very clear that she hates both of us and has point blank told my husband that she wishes he were dead instead of married so that she wouldn't have to see him "happy with someone else". Shouldn't she be wanting to cry to her friends? Also, why would you want your child to see you in such a miserable state? When my XH and I split up and I had rough nights, I would let the kids have a slumber party and Grandma and Grandpa's. They loved it and it saved them from seeing me upset. That can't be good for a 6 year old, right? And why on Earth did she want me to hug her?! <insert Twilight Zone music>

Not only am I confused, but I find myself genuinely feeling bad for BM. She has been waiting for almost 2 years hoping this guy would propose to her and "save" her. There have been several red flags over the last 2 years that I wish she would have seen and broke up with him long ago. She didn't, or chose to ignore them, and every time these flags popped up I wanted to reach out to her and tell her what he was doing wasn't ok. Obviously I didn't because we don't get along, but man I wanted to step in and try and talk some sense into her. And now she's miserable and I feel terrible for her. There must be a full moon tonight.

honeybee #1 · March 2012

That is really seriously wierd. I don't really have anything useful to say, but I always hated it when BM would start crying in front of all of us. Which she did repeatedly.

emikat · March 2012

A similar thing happened to me yesterday. We had a joint counseling session with BM and her BF was supposed to come, but DH got a text while we were sitting in the waiting room that she was running late and her BF wasn't coming (again - he's bailed on all of the previous sessions so it wasn't a big shocker). Anyway, I usually dread these sessions, but BM seemed so lost. We had told her over the weekend about my pregnancy and we knew that it might be a hard session for her. But we found out that her relationship with her BF is pretty much going to be over and he'll be moving out next month. She doesn't have a job lined up for after summer and is thinking of moving back to her mom's house for the time being. She was very worried that SS would want to live with us now after the baby is born because he loves babies. I saw her breaking down and she just looked, well defeated. I felt sorry for her. After the session we were talking and getting some more information from her and she started crying. I just didn't know what to do. She also hates me and DH and said that we just don't exist to her other than DH's coparenting their son and she's acted that way the whole time I've known her. It was just strange to see her vulnerable. I guess there is something strange in the air.

juliettodd · March 2012

Break ups, divorce, and hurt have a way of twisting people and making them act like idiots. If your ultimate goal is to have a good relationship with BM this could be an opening. Time goes by and some (not all) people do get tired and exhausted of being hateful. If BM is feeling vulnerable and you and your DH are kind/compassionate it might be the beginning of healing. I'm not saying be BFF's or walk down the path with rose colored glasses. However, for your SD's sake, some open communication with BM, since she seems to be willing, might work out better than previous attempts.

This reminds me of another poster's situation. The BM ignores the SM one minute and the next invites her in for tea and a chat. Many times when I've read her posts, I think I would have "told her BM off" or some other boundary setting response. However, this SM entertained BM's wishes. She knew BM was manipulative and hateful, however, she did not react to the past behavior. This SM & BM were able to have great communication about SS and get on the same page. It didn't happen over night but, it is possible.

bebe11 · March 2012

Right after my H and I started dating, he and his ex-gf were broken up for over a year already, but she would still text or call him with stuff that had NOTHING to do with SD. She did end up saying that she missed having someone to talk to about "things". The only thing I can think of is that she was embarrased to tell her friends? It really is weird, considering she flat out told you and your H that she hates you.

CFjo2010 · March 2012

juliettodd:

Break ups, divorce, and hurt have a way of twisting people and making them act like idiots. If your ultimate goal is to have a good relationship with BM this could be an opening. Time goes by and some (not all) people do get tired and exhausted of being hateful. If BM is feeling vulnerable and you and your DH are kind/compassionate it might be the beginning of healing. I'm not saying be BFF's or walk down the path with rose colored glasses. However, for your SD's sake, some open communication with BM, since she seems to be willing, might work out better than previous attempts.

This reminds me of another poster's situation. The BM ignores the SM one minute and the next invites her in for tea and a chat. Many times when I've read her posts, I think I would have "told her BM off" or some other boundary setting response. However, this SM entertained BM's wishes. She knew BM was manipulative and hateful, however, she did not react to the past behavior. This SM & BM were able to have great communication about SS and get on the same page. It didn't happen over night but, it is possible.

I didn't sleep well last night and kept trying to figure out how involved to be, if at all, with all this relationship drama BM is going through. I caved. I text her this morning and said that I hope she is feeling a little bit better and that I'm sorry she's hurting right now. I offered to help out with K if she needs some time to herself, or if she wants to grab coffee this weekend while K is with me and my husband to let me know. I have no intentions of being BFFs with BM. But if she's turning to me and my husband for comfort, she must be in bad shape and desperate for someone to talk to. I'm still not comfortable with hearing about her relationship woes, it's really none of my or my husband's business. Hopefully if she decides to "talk" we can focus the conversation more on her and want she wants for herself and less on XBF.

juliettodd · March 2012

I think your text is a very positve step in the right direction. I agree that talking about her relationship problems isn't appropriate but you have to start somewhere. Hopefully, she will see you are trying to make an effort and respond in kind. Although, I would also be prepared for her to backslide into the same old pattern. Keeping my fingers crossed for you, DH & SD...and BM too!

honeybee #1 · March 2012

Just make sure to keep a little bit of distance, I know that after my vulnerable moments of confiding in people I would have rathered I didn't, I really didn't want much to do with them later out of sheer embarassment.

CFjo2010 · March 2012

I never got a response to my message to BM this morning, so I'm taking her silence as a "no" to getting coffee. Which I'm ok with. I'm hoping she was able to either talk to someone or pull herself together. We'll see how her demeanor is tomorrow afternoon when I pick up K.

FutureMrsWittig · March 2012

jobalchak:
juliettodd:

Break ups, divorce, and hurt have a way of twisting people and making them act like idiots. If your ultimate goal is to have a good relationship with BM this could be an opening. Time goes by and some (not all) people do get tired and exhausted of being hateful. If BM is feeling vulnerable and you and your DH are kind/compassionate it might be the beginning of healing. I'm not saying be BFF's or walk down the path with rose colored glasses. However, for your SD's sake, some open communication with BM, since she seems to be willing, might work out better than previous attempts.

This reminds me of another poster's situation. The BM ignores the SM one minute and the next invites her in for tea and a chat. Many times when I've read her posts, I think I would have "told her BM off" or some other boundary setting response. However, this SM entertained BM's wishes. She knew BM was manipulative and hateful, however, she did not react to the past behavior. This SM & BM were able to have great communication about SS and get on the same page. It didn't happen over night but, it is possible.

I didn't sleep well last night and kept trying to figure out how involved to be, if at all, with all this relationship drama BM is going through. I caved. I text her this morning and said that I hope she is feeling a little bit better and that I'm sorry she's hurting right now. I offered to help out with K if she needs some time to herself, or if she wants to grab coffee this weekend while K is with me and my husband to let me know. I have no intentions of being BFFs with BM. But if she's turning to me and my husband for comfort, she must be in bad shape and desperate for someone to talk to. I'm still not comfortable with hearing about her relationship woes, it's really none of my or my husband's business. Hopefully if she decides to "talk" we can focus the conversation more on her and want she wants for herself and less on XBF.

This was very nice of you. Just remember not to be tempted to vent back to her. Let her do the talking. She cannot fault you for that.

+j+k+ · March 2012

I would SO not get involved in this. Stay away from it. Surely she has other friends and family to talk to, and if not, she should get therapy.

Want a personalized experience?

So confused. I must be in another dimension.

Re: So confused. I must be in another dimension.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards