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Blended Families
Need Advice! SS4 Acting up...
Backstory: DH and BM have been seperated/divorced for four years now. DH and I have been together for 2.5 years and got married last summer. We didn't live together until after our wedding so I'm still fairly new to parenting. We have SD6 and SS4(and a half) 2-4 days a week, alternating. Before our marriage we took a parenting class together to make sure we were on the same page. The biggest thing we've taught the kids is that first time obedience is expected from them. If they don't obey after being told once, there are consequences.
The first few months we were married were hard. The kids were very disobedient and clingy, which was to be expected. But after a while we got into a routine with BM, school, even dinner and bed time, and things went a lot more smoothly. But now for the past couple weeks SS has been very spacey and naughty. We'll tell him something, like to put his jammies in his drawer, and literally 20 seconds later he's running out of the room without doing it. He knows he needs to shut the bathroom door and turn on the light when he's going potty, but lately he just runs in and goes with the door wide open. I know this might sound super nit-picky, but we remind him ALL the time! And looking back at six months ago, these weren't issues!
(We have the kids this whole week because BM is on a trip) On Monday the daycare lady broke down in front of DH, literally shaking, because she was so upset that SS has been outright disobeying her. She used his jumping on her couch as her final straw. So we talked to SS and told him that's unacceptable, blah blah... He did it again on Tues. So Tues night we listed out his consequences if he did it again. Wed when DH was picking up the kids, SS went over and starting jumping on the couch, right in front of DH! He got reprimanded right then and there, and then we enforced his other consequences later that night.
Are we totally out of line for a 4.5 year old? I have a hard time believing that he keeps forgetting what we tell him! This is blantant disobedience! (we have this problem with SS too but not nearly as bad) I want to ask BM if she has this problem with him, but I can't. Any other time I bring stuff like this to her she throws it back at us and says that the kids don't act up at her house, that it must be our fault for doing something wrong. Just wondering if they're just being kids or if you think it's more...?
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Re: Need Advice! SS4 Acting up...
It's pretty normal for kids to test boundaries. Your SS might be a little over excited or maybe even anxious that his mom is out of town and his schedule has changed, so he's not making the best decisions.
You just need to keep being consistent, and maybe also have a chat with him and give him the opportunity to talk to you about anything that might be on his mind. But unless he's a pretty precocious 4, he probably can't articulate it if there is something bothering him. My DS is 7, and we still struggle a bit with getting him to express himself. Hell.. MH is 28 and struggles with it sometimes.
In the past we've put the kids in the corner for about 5 min. But that doesn't seem to work anymore. Now we've started making them miss out on things, like the other night we didn't get to go to the park because they took too long to eat their dinner. The consequences for this specific couch thing were a spanking (from DH, I don't spank the kids) and to bed 30 min earlier than his sister. We'll talk to the daycare lady tonight and see how he was.
I agree regarding the delayed spanking not being effective.
Maybe try something like taking away a toy they love like a DS or something, when they disobey? That worked great for me as well, although I don't know if 4 is too young for something like that. I probably did not do that until dc was older.
Honestly, at that age, consistent, immediate time outs worked wonders. I followed the rule of the length of time out = the age of the child. We had one chair that was used as the time out chair, and for nothing else.
If you were not consistent and immediate with putting SS in the corner, or if you put him there together with SD (I think they have to be alone for it to be effective), you may want to try it again.
Our thought was that spanking was relevant since he was specifically told that would be part of his consequences. Maybe 24 hours from the time we told him to the time of the punishment is too long for him to fully make the connection though... I like using punishments that fit the "crime", like if the kids aren't playing well together they lose the privilege of playing together for a set time. I have a hard time coming up with ideas though! And you're right, it's hard to discipline for something that he did when we weren't present (and the daycare lady is a pushover with these kids, no lie!). As far as we can tell from what the kids have said and from DH's past with BM, BM doesn't have rules. She's more about being friends with the kids than being a parent. So when we have the kids we try to enforce our rules but it's extra hard when there's so little structure on her end. Sometimes I just want to give up!
This. Consistency is key. And at that age, they want attention and to "please" their parents. When ex moved out ds tested me a lot (it was just me ... no significant other in my house with ds). I remember one day I was in the shower and he wanted my attention but I needed to wash the shampoo out of my hair first (it wasn't an urgent matter ... he couldn't reach a toy or something like that). By the time I got out he had peed on the floor of his room. I told him I was very upset that he did that and if he needed my attention he should have come in the bathroom and talked to me while I was in the shower. I told him that what he did made me sad and I didn't like it one bit and I wouldn't allow it. He started crying and saying he was sorry I was sad. I told him to never do it again. And he hasn't. I'd say since the types of punishments you are choosing aren't seeming to work, try to appeal to his sense of wanting to make you guys happy.
Also, I agree that spanking is not usually an effective consequence. With many kids, it just makes them mad at their parents for hitting them. So instead of giving the kid a chance to think about what they did, they are mad and thinking about getting spanked. Then they act out again.
The fact that the daycare lady and BM don't enforce (or have) rules is actually adding to your problem. If they only have rules at your house, there is no consistency and that is confusing for a 4.5 year old (and something he has no control over). Your DH needs to talk with BM about having consistent rules at both houses. I'd bet if that happened a lot of your behavior problems with ss would be solved.
I don't think a punishment has to be related to the 'crime' necessarily, and it overcomplicates things (for example, you have to quickly think up a punishment for something on the spot that relates to the wrong-doing- who could deal with that quickly and consistently?)
I would just choose one general punishment for disobedience, tell him what it is (i.e. "From now on if you disobey us, you will be in the time out chair for 4 minutes"), and then do it, immediately.
I love that! I'll bet it really works, if she really hates it! Is it like writing the same sentence over and over again, like in school on the blackboard... or does she have to write about something and make up her own sentences?
Really it shouldn't matter if BM lets them run all over the house.....kids are smart, and know what they can get away with, and where. If he didn't think he could get away with his behavior, he wouldn't do it. Don't use BM as an excuse for his poor behavior at home.
I do think that your DH needs to make it clear that if he gets a report on SS from daycare, there will be consequences at home. I think your H should ask daycare lady what the consequences is for SS's jumping. Some places aren't allowed to give timeouts.
Consistancy is key in your own home. If you say he gets one chance, he gets one chance.
We have a chart on our fridge. It has 10 boxes in it: the first 3 are empty and each of the next 7 has a privelege written in it. At the bottom it has 5 rules that she must follow (Be respectful, Do what you're told when you're told, Be helpful/do your chores without being told, If you know it's wrong, don't do it, and Be polite). Every time she breaks one of the rules she checks off a box. The first 3 times are "freebies", after that she loses the privelege in that box for the rest of the week. This goes from Thurs-Thurs.
I actually learned about this from this board.
Could you try something similar only for the day (rather than the week, since my SD is 8 and you're talking about a 4-year old)? Print up copies and he can take it to the sitter's with him and she can check the boxes. It's a good visual, and helps them recognize that breaking the rules has a direct consequence and continuing to break the rules adds to those consequences. Maybe make spanking a last resort? If he breaks a 4th rule, he loses all snacks... a fifth means he loses TV... another means an early bed time... and then a spanking is the final consequence?
Free
Free
Free
Time out
No snacks
No T.V.
Lose a toy
Lose a toy
Early bed time
spanking
Something like this^^. You could print a dozen or so on one page and cut them apart so he can take them to the sitter's every day, and she can just send it home.
ETA: I really like that this gives a clean slate at the end of the week too (or at the end of the day) and I don't have to keep coming up with new punishments!
hes definitely testing you. the fact that the babysitter and BM are pushovers mean nothing. our SD's BM is the same way, the kid gets away with murder at her moms house. she learned early on that DH and I will NOT put up with it. she hates getting yelled at or in trouble so a simple time out works for her and then we make her tell us why she was in timeout (what she did wrong) and apologize to the appropriate person. (SD is now 5.5, I've been in her life since she was 2.5)
I think you need to start taking toys away. not privelages. physical things. put them in a basket on top of the fridge (where he can see but not get them) and he loses it for x amount of time. taking away privelages, eh he doesn't really see what he's missing out on. spanking, makes him mad for DH hurting him.
you need to sit down and explain to him that X,Y,Z are NOT tolerated in the house. you are very dissapointed he has been acting this way. ask what his three favorite toys are, and then tell him next time he does X,Y,Z those toys are going to be taken from him. he of course won't beleive you at first and it will take a week or two of losing his favorite toys for him to figure it out. consistancy is KEY. and also, as SOON as he does something wrong he needs to be punished immediately, not 2-3 hours later.
best of luck to you and dh!!
Buy the book or dvd 123 Magic. We use it with our early childhood team at work all the time. Like most PP's said, consistency is key. You'll also want to know going in that sometimes things get worse before they get better.
Studies show that it takes roughly 17 times for something to happen before young kids actually get it. So, if you think Time Out doesn't work, you may have given up too soon. Good Luck.
I have to say that I really like the box idea with the rules & priviledges in them.
My DS is not that much older than your SS. I'll let you know what we're doing with him. He has a book at school where he tracks his own behaviour. The day is broken up into activities, and he colours in the circles according to how he did. Green=good, Yellow=needs work, Red=bad. He knows that if he's gotten a red he gets no dessert and doesn't get to watch tv. Red is mainly used for hands-on or talking back to an adult, and gets an immediate time-out. Yellow is for stuff like splashing around in the sink (and getting water everywhere) when he's supposed to be washing his hands. The main thing about his book is that he colours in the circles himself, therefore he has to own his behaviour.
Here's a thought. How about when you're not doling out a punishment or in the middle of trying to get him to settle down - actually have a conversation with the poor boy about what's going on.
On a four/five year old level when things are good, everyone's happy and all is good, I suggest you tell him how much you love it when he's sweet and good, and minds you. You can say, "Aren't things so much better this way?" And when he responds yes or no, or whatever answer he gives you - dig in a little more and ask why sometimes he doesn't like to mind you. Maybe ask him if he's happy and really talk to him and LISTEN.
You'll probably find out what's causing him to misbehave and be able to help him thru it or even correct it.
Kids like to be heard. So talk to him and find out what's going on. I find that when my 2 year old is throwing a fit, getting on her level and just listening to her babble and upset chatter and acting like I'm really listening to her really helps calm her down. Sometimes I have NO clue what she's telling me but when she sees that I care enough to stop and listen to her, she and I connect on a positive level and she calms down.