Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

When to tell SS and BM?

limpetfanlimpetfan member
in Blended Families

I know this gets asked all the time on this board, so please humor me!

As I'm sure you all can tell from my ticker, DH and I are (at long last) expecting our first child in November.  My SS is 4, will be 5 and starting kindergarten this fall.  SS has been having a LOT of trouble in pre-school this year.  His teachers want him evaluated before he starts kindergarten, that's how bad things are there.  He's not a bad kid AT ALL, he just seems to have a real chip on his shoulder, wants to dominate all other kids, and gets a true attitude with authority.  He's also disruptive in school - hence the evaluation. 

My question: given the issues SS is having, would it be best to tell him (and his mother) about this child sooner, or later?  MH and I had always leaned towards waiting until we could no longer hide it, but now we're wondering if SS is going to need extra time to prepare for his first sibling - and we as his parents might need time to coordinate with BM on how to handle behavioral issues that crop up once the baby is born.  Thoughts?  Tell early, late, it doesn't matter?

Thanks! 

The Table Has Shoes (and Other Ambiguities)
Follow Me on Pinterest
Me = lean PCOS;DH = poor morphology (3%)
3 IUI/TI cycles = BFN
IVF #1 with ICSI: antagonist protocol = BFFN
IVF #2 with ICSI : Lupron downregulation = BFFN...FML
IVF #3 with ICSI and AH (Antagonist) = IT'S A BOY!!!!

dumbledore


BabyFruit Ticker
Report Reply to Post

Re: When to tell SS and BM?

  • SigirSigir member

    ITA with waiting as long as possible.  I don't think a child of that age would need extra time to adjust- if you tell him now, what would really change in his world?  9 months is a long time for a child of that age, it's just to early to tell IMO- esp with the other issues he is having.

    With my dc I waited until I was 13 weeks to tell.  My main reason was if something went wrong, why put my dc through that?  So I am a big advocate of waiting.  

    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • mschocokittymschocokitty member
    My SD10 is a little older, but she recently has gone through a ton of changes in her life (moving with us full-time, new school, new routines, etc). We took the approach of waiting as long as we could, and I think it was a good decision. We told her at 10 weeks since our families were having a hard time keeping a lid on things. I would have wanted to wait longer so she has less time to build up anxiety, but we are surrounded by very loving yet talkative folks. It is very important that your SS hears the news from you and not someone else (i.e. BM). The sense of time in a child is very different from ours.  She handled the news really well and is excited, but October is eons away to her and it seems like a "long time away". For a child as young as yours, I would tell as late as is reasonable. It is still a long time to a little one. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
    Report Reply
  • RhennaRhenna
    Future SS is 6 years old and DS is 5.  Neither has behavioral issues but we are waiting to tell them until my 20 week a/s so when we do tell them we can also tell them what they will be having (brother/sister).  I agree with others that 9 months is such a long time.  I just talked to DS about starting kindergarten in the fall and he asks everday if he gets to go to big kid school yet.  That length of time is just too much for them to grasp.  We don't have the issue of them hearing it from someone else because they don't pay that much attention to what adults are talking about.  FI and I were talking about names and the boys thought we were talking about names for their pet snake lol.  I have told BF though and have told him that I will let him know when I tell DS so he can be prepared to talk about it on his end.
    Pregnancy Ticker

    image
    Report Reply
  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    My husband and I have discussed when to tell the kiddos if/when we get pregnant (we just started TTC).  We decided to wait the normal 1st trimester timeframe.  We'll tell all 3 kiddos on our weekend with K.  My husband will let BM know that Thursday night that we're pregnant and that we're telling K that weekend.  We figure that will give BM a few days to get her emotions under control and be prepared to "pretend" to be happy for K's new sibling.  It also stops her from telling K before we do and possible put a negative spin on it.
    image

    Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools



    Report Reply
  • FutureMrsWittigFutureMrsWittig member

    I'd wait until school lets out for the summer.  That gives him plenty of time to get his mind around it, without worrying about school.

    Have you thought about taking him to a counselor on a regular basis?  It's done wonders for my SD.

    As for when to tell BM, we told her via text right after we told SD.  Just a "We told [SD] today that we are expecting a baby in July.  We are all excited!  If she comes to you with any questions, feel free to let us know."

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"