Did I over react?

Golf424 · March 2012

So a good friend of mine from college just invited us to her wedding. It is in the summer and it is 6 hours away from here. We planned on making a family weekend out of it. And I text just to make sure its okay if our lo comes. The plan would be for me to attend the ceremony... Dh would have lo for her nap.... Then we would all attend the reception together for 3 hours And then dh would go back to he hotel with lo. I know for a fact children are invited because there was a children's option for the menu choice. Her text said no- only families kids are invited. So I text back... Well then we might not be able to make it seeing I am not ready to leave her for he whole weekend (we are and will) still be bfing and I'm not getting a random babysitter. What do you all think?

courtneyjean7 · March 2012

I don't think you over reacting at all. My DD is 3 years old and I still would not be able to leave her for a whole weekend!

gymnst1013 · March 2012

I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.

That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

ElatedMom2B · March 2012

Your not overreacting and she's not totally out of line either. I did a no children wedding (however, it was a destination wedding) and I have a very good friend that left her 9 month old home to come. Not that I didn't at the time, but having my own children now I TOTALLY appreciate what she must have put herself through to leave her baby home to the islands for our wedding. People are entitled to ask that no children or family children attend their wedding. She may get her nose a bit bent out of shape, but she will understand it once she has kids. That's always a tough call. My DH used to assume (when we first started having kids) that children were always invited to weddings...I had to get his mother and sister to tell him that it wasn't so. We were invited to a wedding and he was all ready to bring our older daughter without saying anything to the wedding couple. DOH

nirern626 · March 2012

Right or wrong, I would feel the same. I'm nowhere near ready to leave Rylee for a weekend. I won't even leave her overnight lol. We are also still BFing with no end in sight. If she was only inviting the children of family, why include the kids menu? I would probably politely decline.

11kacey · March 2012

gymnst1013:
I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.
That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.

But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

Dani0701 · March 2012

Hmmm...I definitely see both sides on this. When I got married, my 3 siblings were very young, but they were in the wedding. They were the only kids I wanted there. I feel like as a bride, if you say yes to one couple, you'll have to say yes to everyone. If she's only having family, I understand that. It becomes very expensive to invite everyone's children bc some families have many. You can't limit how many kids each couple brings, lol! But, I do see your side of not wanting to go now bc you're still BFing and wouldn't be ready to leave LO. I don't like leaving LO for a few hours with anyone, let alone an entire weekend! Do you live by any family that would be willing to watch her?

courtneyjean7 · March 2012

11kacey:
gymnst1013:

I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.

That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.

But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

I also had a child-free wedding. I did however allow my cousin from out of state to bring her kids. I also let one of my friends who was BFing bring her LO.

gymnst1013 · March 2012

11kacey:
gymnst1013:
I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.
That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.
I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.
But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

I can definitely understand that for a child that will add expense. I guess in the bride's situation seeing as OP would be traveling so far and the baby would be so young, I would make an exception. Just what I would do though. She (the bride) is totally within her rights to say no.

Dani0701 · March 2012

11kacey:
gymnst1013:

I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.

That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.

But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

Just wondering how you went about this. Did you send individual emails, group response? How did you word it?

@Gym, I understand that, too, but then that would be like picking only couple's children who won't eat, and then other couples will wonder why and be offended that their kids couldn't come.

Weddings are so tricky because you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Someone will always be offended of your choices, but overall the bride and groom need to do what's best for THEM, not everyone else.

11kacey · March 2012

Dani0701:
11kacey:
gymnst1013:

I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.

That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.

But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

Just wondering how you went about this. Did you send individual emails, group response? How did you word it?

@Gym, I understand that, too, but then that would be like picking only couple's children who won't eat, and then other couples will wonder why and be offended that their kids couldn't come.

Weddings are so tricky because you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Someone will always be offended of your choices, but overall the bride and groom need to do what's best for THEM, not everyone else.

I should have specified. I followed up via email if I was inviting their children and might have forgotten to include them on the email. Like, a girlfriend from Florida flying to Texas, I called her to ask if she was sure she didn't want to bring her child. I also hooked them up with babysitters and tried to help them find rooms that were best for them (like suites) versus the cheaper one bedroom rooms. Our hotel was historic so the rooms were tiny and having a baby in a pack n play or crib was impossible unless you went for the bigger room.

Anyway, I got off track.. I put all babies/kids that I was inviting on the invitations, but I think in a few cases I might have called or emailed to ask if they wanted to bring them anyway (if they were traveling from out of town). Kids under 2 were free, kids under 12 were 1/2 price so it wasn't really about money so much as space for us.

I had one friend who lived locally, but her daughter spent 26 days on life support right after birth and required a nurse as a babysitter. This was also their 'miracle' baby after numerous miscarriages. Another friend lost twins around 27 weeks and later had a healthy baby boy, but that is a type of loss you just don't get over.. There was NO WAY in he!! I was telling either of them to leave their babies at home.

MommaA117 · March 2012

no. I am one of those Mom who is also not ready to leave DD for long periods of time either..

Plus I nurse so it would be terribly inconvenient and likely screw up my supply...

Dani0701 · March 2012

11kacey:
Dani0701:
11kacey:
gymnst1013:

I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.

That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I only invited specific kids. My husbands coworker's kids? um no.. my family's kids? yes. My best friends that were traveling from out of state? yes.. friends that lived in town? nope.

But i specified on the invitation or followed up via email before they even had to ask.

Just wondering how you went about this. Did you send individual emails, group response? How did you word it?

@Gym, I understand that, too, but then that would be like picking only couple's children who won't eat, and then other couples will wonder why and be offended that their kids couldn't come.

Weddings are so tricky because you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. Someone will always be offended of your choices, but overall the bride and groom need to do what's best for THEM, not everyone else.

I should have specified. I followed up via email if I was inviting their children and might have forgotten to include them on the email. Like, a girlfriend from Florida flying to Texas, I called her to ask if she was sure she didn't want to bring her child. I also hooked them up with babysitters and tried to help them find rooms that were best for them (like suites) versus the cheaper one bedroom rooms. Our hotel was historic so the rooms were tiny and having a baby in a pack n play or crib was impossible unless you went for the bigger room.

Anyway, I got off track.. I put all babies/kids that I was inviting on the invitations, but I think in a few cases I might have called or emailed to ask if they wanted to bring them anyway (if they were traveling from out of town). Kids under 2 were free, kids under 12 were 1/2 price so it wasn't really about money so much as space for us.

I had one friend who lived locally, but her daughter spent 26 days on life support right after birth and required a nurse as a babysitter. This was also their 'miracle' baby after numerous miscarriages. Another friend lost twins around 27 weeks and later had a healthy baby boy, but that is a type of loss you just don't get over.. There was NO WAY in he!! I was telling either of them to leave their babies at home.

Ok, that makes sense. That was really thoughtful of you for those friends with babies. Is the "life support" baby doing well now?

justme04 · March 2012

I agree with a pp that it all depends on how the invite was adressed. But it would bug me if I had to drive 6 hours and find a sitter. Heck I rarely get out as it is now because I don't use a sitter. I've sent DS1 to my moms a few times while I was pregnant and in the not so easily mobile stage...I just couldn't keep up. But she lives 2 hours away so that was tough on me anyway.

cfisher2008 · March 2012

I see both sides, but I'm with you. I wouldn't go either. If you're not comfortable leaving your LO (and I completely understand!) don't let others guilt you into going. Send a nice gift and wish her lots of happiness!

nicsigni · March 2012

Totally the bride and groom's call, and if they want no kids, some kids, only kids, etc. they get to say so. I wouldn't get offended by it.

However, I don't think you should feel bad about not going if you aren't ready to leave your baby.

If you really want to go, and you can't leave LO, is it an option for your husband come anyway and just hang out in the hotel with her? Or a grandparent? That's essentially what we had to do when my husband's close friend got married seven hours away when our daughter was four months old. My mom came and had fun playing in the hotel with her, while we did all the wedding stuff and popped into the room from time to time.

MrsSparklesMcGee · March 2012

nicsigni:

Totally the bride and groom's call, and if they want no kids, some kids, only kids, etc. they get to say so. I wouldn't get offended by it.

However, I don't think you should feel bad about not going if you aren't ready to leave your baby.

I agree with this. We're "required" to go to a wedding in a few weeks that's a flight away (MH is the best man). We had to hire a babysitter to come to the hotel to stay with LO for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. I'm not thrilled, but it is what it is...

If the bride is not a super close friend, I'd say skip it.

Melissa2216 · March 2012

I would have responded the same way. There would be no way I would leave DS yet.

That being said, I understand where she's coming from (although I'd likely say it's ok to bring a baby). I had to veto many children from DH's side of the family for our wedding. He has 40 first cousins and many of them have kids. MIL helped notify people who were not allowed to bring their kids, and several of them chose not to come based on this (but these were all cousins that DH is not close to).

Young babies (less than a year or so) were allowed, as mine was a semi-destination wedding (most people had to travel at least 2-3 hours and opted to stay at a hotel). Basically, I just didn't want to deal with a bunch of little kids running around and taking over the dance floor.

Golf424 · March 2012

Thanks for all your thoughts! So she finally got back to me and said after talking to her sister who has kids she feels really bad about excluding Ella from the invite. She gets that if I lived close I'd be getting a sitter and it's just not an option in this situation. Needless to say Ella can come. Whew! Now to find the a good hotel and a list of things to do for our weekend in MN!

M&M227 · March 2012

gymnst1013:
I don't know about over-reacting, but if the invite wasn't addressed to you, YH and your LO, then I would have assumed LO was not invited. I would have handled it by saying that since LO was not invited, I would not be able to attend and leave the ball in her court to say that you could bring her.
That being said, I find it weird that she would have a problem with your LO since other kids are invited. I can understand having a kid-free wedding (don't want the disruption, extra expense for dinner, etc.) but since there are going to be other kids, they can't be expecting disruption free and since your LO won't eat a meal, there would be no extra expense.

I agree with this. We had a kid free wedding, no one under 18 was invited at all. My grandmom was a little upset that I didn't invite my cousin who was 16. But DH also had several cousins that were under 18 that we did not invite. I don't really see a problem.

I did a attend a wedding where the bride told DHs cousin that she could not bring her newborn (like 3 months old) but there were several other children at the wedding... I think that is unfair.

OpheliaChem · March 2012

Heck no you didn't over react! I don't BF and I still wouldn't leave DD. I can't fathom the thought of leaving her for one night let alone a whole weekend. I remember the days pre-child and I would wonder what the big deal is about leaving your kid but now that I'm a mom, there is no way, unless it was a dire emercency, that I would leave her. You have every right to back out.

magnoliablossom00 · March 2012

I'm glad that Ella can go! I wouldn't have gone either if LO wasn't invited.

On a side note, maybe I am in the minority here, but I wanted all my family at my wedding, including children. I knew that if I excluded any of the kids, then the parents probably couldn't come, and besides, I love the kids anyway, so I invited them all! I even had 4 flower girls and 3 ring bearers (all my little cousins). Didn't bother me at all.

3Girls3xsTheFun · March 2012

mkd00:

I'm glad that Ella can go! I wouldn't have gone either if LO wasn't invited.

On a side note, maybe I am in the minority here, but I wanted all my family at my wedding, including children. I knew that if I excluded any of the kids, then the parents probably couldn't come, and besides, I love the kids anyway, so I invited them all! I even had 4 flower girls and 3 ring bearers (all my little cousins). Didn't bother me at all.

That is the main reason we did it -- to cut the guest list! There were lots of people we were obligated to invite -- but I wasn't obligated to invite their kids! Besides my soon-to-be-husband and our parents, I didn't care who came to my wedding! If you don't want to go out without your baby, that's your issue. No one is making you go to a wedding.

Personally, I can't wait for the 2 weddings we have coming up (one in April & one in May) so I can get dressed up and have a night out alone with H.

But for the OP, I'm glad it worked out.

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