Can I Just Vent About My Mom?

SparrowBlue · March 2012

DS is 3 1/2. While i was working nights (recently switched to days) he would stay at my moms house a few nights a week per her request so she could spend time with him. every morning when she makes him breakfast he sits in her lap and she feeds him.

well, i have asked her to stop in the past, and she just brushed it off. well now its becoming an issue because DS will not eat unless someone feeds him. he may take a few bites on his own, but then he starts asking "mommy will you feed me" and thats the only way we can get him to eat a meal.

DH is away with DS this week and he said that DS has been doing it for every meal since they have been gone. so, i called my mom and she says we are just looking for something to blame on her and she doesnt see an issue with it. i told her that he is almost 4 years old and that when he starts preschool his teachers will not feed him. he needs to be feeding himself.

we are getting ready to move in with her (we are building a house and our lease is up) so i will be able to keep a grip on what happens, but there will be times DH and I are not around and im scared she wont listen.

any advice?

KathrynMD · March 2012

tell your mom to stop doing it - end of story.

you don't need to argue about it or explain it - that just leads to more discussion/arguments. You're the mom, you make the rules.

kmhunt11 · March 2012

You might not get your mom to come around, but if you don't do it at all he will know that he will be hungry unless he feeds himself. DD got a little needy when she found out she was going to be a big sister and I fell back on feeding her to speed things along and show her that I'll still take care of her needs. We did it for a few weeks and then told her that she is just too old for that. She'll ask and I'll say no. If she chooses not to eat, she's hungry. Missing one meal (or even two!) won't harm her. If your son asks why Grandma does it, you can say "That is a special treat just for Grandma's house." Just be firm.

Wally3 · March 2012

You can ask your mom to stop, but if she is watching your DS when you are not around you can't control what she does. As pp siad just make the rule you don't feed DS. It is a specail treat when it is just him and Grandma.

KathrynMD · March 2012

You know you could also mitigate it a little too - I mostly did BLW so, we never really developed a habit of me feeding DD - but occassionally DD likes to sit in my lap (at the table) and eat. I don't really encourage or discourage it - even though its fairly annoying for me. If she asks to sit on my lap during a meal, I'll normally let her for a specific period of time. Could your mom be persuaded to do that? Let LO sit in her lap, but feed himself?

livinitup · March 2012

I did a certification for 'parenting education' and one of the education films showed an older child being fed by a parent and most of the educators in the room had a problem with it. I thought of that when I read your post. The point of the the film was to support cultural diversity because the mom was Japanese and older feeding children (7 yo) was a form of interdependence that was valued in their community.

If you don't want to feed your son, then don't. Just because the child is indulged by a grandparent/care giver doesn't mean you or your husband has to indulge it. You don't have to get your mother to stop, so you can stop. YOU can stop. To me, this is more about the child exerting control over the parent. It may stem from permissive grandparenting, but this is very much a parent-child struggle. And as a parent, you can solve it.

And I have no fear that he will not eat in preschool. Children do wonderful in groups. If he refuses to eat, then he'll be hungry, but he'll give-in before he starves.

Don't expect your mother to listen to you. She hasn't already and she seems very willing to dismiss you when you complain. It will only get worse whe nyou live in her house. If you are having these issues now, you can only expect them to get worse when you are dependent on her home to live.

Keep a month to month lease until your new house is ready. Or plan for this move to be extremely stressful. Very much worth every penny + more than you will "save" on housing costs. Frankly, I'd reconcider.

FortMyersBride · March 2012

I agree with pp, if she doesn't want to stop then just establish that you and your DH will not do it--it's a special treat with grandma. My MIL lets DS wander the house with food (including my house, even though I have told her that I don't allow food outside the kitchen) but DS knows better than to try it when I'm around. Also PS is a fun place to be with friends, I imagine he'll do just fine when he sees the other kids feeding themselves.

DBride2006 · March 2012

He's working you! At home, DS goes to the bathroom on his own... Never an issue. At all of our parents houses, the grandmas HAVE to go with him. He knows they'll cave and we won't, so he plays them. They are smart like that!

Lanibee · March 2012

livinitup:

Don't expect your mother to listen to you. She hasn't already and she seems very willing to dismiss you when you complain. It will only get worse whe nyou live in her house. If you are having these issues now, you can only expect them to get worse when you are dependent on her home to live.

Keep a month to month lease until your new house is ready. Or plan for this move to be extremely stressful. Very much worth every penny + more than you will "save" on housing costs. Frankly, I'd reconcider.

If your already having these issues were she is not listening to you or dismissing your complains it's going to get a lot worse when you move in together. I would reevaluate planning to move in with her. I have the same type of mom and a weeklong vacation is too long to deal with someone not listening to my requests to stop doing that or respecting me has " DD's mom" just imagine what it will be like on a daily bases

Pesky · March 2012

I think I would just tell DS that feeding him in a grandma thing only and you all expect him to feed himself like you and daddy do. I'd probably let it go at that. Annoying, sure but not thinking it would be worth a battle. Especially on the eve of you moving in with her. Now if she were feeding him malt liquor and cigarettes, probably time to say something...

jlw2505 · March 2012

You need to put your foot down, your child, your rules. If she doesn't follow your rules, don't leave your child alone with her. I know it sounds harsh but there is a huge reason why my parents/ILs will never ever be my kids daycare - this is such a prime example. Yes, the grandparents see my kids, they have sleepovers and all that stuff but none are on a regular basis so something like this would not become an issue. If my child was in daycare and the teacher was doing this and not following my direction to stop, I would switch daycares. Be strong and put your foot down and tell her it must stop ASAP.

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