- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Advice/suggestions on dealing w/ grandma..
I am in need of some advice from other mom's who get some help (baby sitting or taking care of LO when sick) from their mother's( not MIL) about how you should be parenting or taking care of LO. Because right now I feel very miffed at my own mom and should I just take it and be quiet because she helps out some or well, I don't have any other ideas really..LOL 
DD was sick this wkend w/ fever 101-103- she was fighting off ear infection and was fussy and not happy about taking her meds, and having her nose suctioned so often. DD started DC @ 11 mons & has been sick off & on since starting- she's now 14 months. I'm currently 29 wks preg w/ DS, and we don't have maternity leave here at work so I'm trying to save sick/vacation time to use when he comes, so I called her & asked if she could & watch DD on Monday & maybe Tuesday if needed. She of course said yes. Well I call her this morning to thank her for staying w/ us and taking care of DD- she's much better now and happier. Then she tells me she noticed that DD needs to be suctioned more, because she's sometimes fussy when she naps, and needs to be given a bottle when she's sick b/c it's easier & she takes the liquids better than the sippy. (She really doesn't, b/c if DD doesn't want in sippy she's not drinking out of bottle either, but I digress). Then she tells me I'm not letting her explore enough in the house b/c DD is starting to stand on her own and like to push her little walker and when she watches DD, my mom is going to do things HER way b/c she feels that is better.
Now I'm getting really annoyed on phone b/c I called to thank her and I get this. While I do really appreciate her help w/ DD, my baby is not an unhappy baby. She laughs, smiles, eats plenty, and seems so happy to be w/ her mommy & daddy. I mean DH and I moved back to TX to be closer to family and it's been so helpful. But I feel like b/c I don't ask my mom for advice on how to raise DD, she doesn't quite like it. I don't ask b/c I read alot, I come to thebump 
and I ask my friends who have babies my DD age right now. SO---if I should just suck it up and be quiet, then tell me that b/c I have a mom who does help out. mom isn't the type of person that I can "talk" to to explain my POV because she just feels justified in her way of thinking.
Sorry for long winded vent! I needed it! thanks momma's!!!
~jen
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice/suggestions on dealing w/ grandma..
My mom watches DS one day a week and there is no telling her anything differently than what she knows. She also never returned to work after being a SAHM, so kind of takes on "Mom" as her identity. Anything different than what she knows is seen as an attack on her. She also doesn't miss any opportunity to point out that her dear, sweet grandchild probably learned every naughty behavior from that (evil) daycare. For awhile, I let it roll off my back, but then I felt like I was being trampled on. Since saying anything will only start a war, I have just gotten better at the snappy reply and walking away. It is passive aggressive, but it works. Two examples
Mom on DS's hitting: Where do you think he learned this learned behavior? (undertone of...he must be learning it at daycare)
Me: Probably from us beating him when you are not looking
OR...
Mom on DS walking right past her without saying hello: Oh, is he going to be THAT kind of kid?
Me: Like a toddler? Yes, probably...
As I said, probably not the healthiest way to handle it, but sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.
Believe me, you'll be doing the same thing 30 years from now when you're the grandparent. It's just what people do and most of the time it's harmless advice.
I don't get annoyed and try to listen because, heck, she's raised more kids than I have. Who am I to be bothered? I either take it or I nod my head and don't use that bit of advice.
Personally (and I know people will disagree with me) but I think it's foolish to look a gift horse in the mouth. I have "grandma daycare" for my DD and some stuff I just let slide. I knew going into it that my mom would do somethings differently than me and I was going to have to deal with it because she was helping me out. Remember, your mom is doing you a huge favor and since you don't ahve paid maternity leave (which totally sucks btw) you can't really afford to burn this bridge. Personally, unless it is a really, really big deal to me I don't say too much. For instance, I probably wouldn't have given my DD ice cream as early as my mom did but it certainly didn't hurt her and my mom wasn't giving her excessive amounts or too often so I didn't say anything.
That being said, I do think it's fine to talk to your mom in a calm way. Just say something like "mom, I understand you are trying to be helpful but it hurts my feelings when you are so critical of the way I am parenting. I appreciate your advice but when I call to thank you for helping us it really makes me feel bad that your response is so negative." Honestly, she may not even realize it.
As for her advice vs books/the bump, unless you really don't like the way you were raised I might give a bit of an edge to your mom. I know, things have changed a lot since we were kids but our moms have been there before and there is a lot of value to what they say. Like I might tell her "no" on the bottle thing (because who wants to bring that habit back) but she might be right about the exploring with the walker thing so tell her "well, maybe you are right about the walker." She may be feeling defensive if you never go to her for advice and is trying to show you that she has good advice to give. Moms are weird sometimes (I include us in that statment too
).
Good luck.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's doing anything terribly wrong. Is she actually giving LO a bottle, or just suggesting it? If she's actually giving it, just tell her that she's too old and it doesn't help. If she's just suggesting it, roll your eyes and move on. And she wants to let her explore? What are you afraid of? But if it bugs you, just tell her. I think it's way easier to tell your mom what's what than a MIL or anyone else. Just say "thanks, but I'll decide. I'm the mom. You don't need to worry about parenting, just have fun with your grandkid".
bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!
beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!
The bumpie formerly known as First Time in MI
My mother watches C a couple of times a week. She knows that in her home its her rules overall, but as far as what C eats, his not being allowed a bottle anymore, etc, its our rules. Like, for example, she doesn't mind if he climbs on the table because she is right there with him so he is safe. And I have had to explain to her, that its not just a safety issue and he still needs to learn that that is not okay behavior, so she may be okay with it but we dont want C thinking it is acceptable just because Meema allows it.
However, we started off that way, its our kid, we want him raised a certain way, etc, and that as the parents, we get to override her, and she has always been okay with it. Ground rules need to be set NOW, because it will be harder later. And if she is not okay with that, then she does not need to be the one watching him and that really sucks that your vaca/sick time will get used up now instead of for leave.
"We like nothing better than buffing our Zygoma. And imagining a horny time traveling long overcoat purple scarf wearing super sleuth nordic legend fuck fantasy. Get to work on that, internet." Benedict Cumberbatch
<a href