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Natural Birth
elizxu
member
Things didn't work out...
elizxu
member
I've been debating on writing a post since Thomas' arrival and finally thought "what the heck". I had planned, prayed, prepared, hoped for a natural child birth but, in the end, it wasn't in the plans. I don't know if I was just really unprepared, even though I read lots and took a NCB class, or something else, but I wasn't ready. I am pretty disappointed...in myself and the whole labor/delivery experience. But am keeping my head up and thrilled that Thomas is finally here. I think I need to post for my emotional well-being & apologize for it being so darn long.
I went into labor on a Thursday afternoon, after having a membrane sweep in the morning. I had the sweep done in hopes to avoid an induction that was scheduled for Friday. Contractions started at 2-3 minutes apart and knocked me to my knees. I've been questioning my decision to get a sweep ever since, thinking that it probably increased the intensity of which the contractions began. We went to the hospital after about 2 hours and found out that I was still barely dilated. But they decided to keep me since I was 10 days past my EDD. After about 6 hours of contractions I still wasn't dilating and couldn't find a single position that eased the pain of contractions. I tried the bed, the toilet, the ball, nothing helped me though them. I was scared (I should have called my mom at this point, she may have been the comfort I needed), and I caved. I asked for an epi.
The first epi didn't work; they had to remove it and redo it. The second one did work...a little too well and I was really numb. So numb that, at one point, I asked them to turn it down so I could feel something. But I had "dead, floppy fish legs" throughout labor & delivery. The epi did exactly what it does...numbs & slowed contractions. So, pitocin was started. The baby's head was right there, padded with the bag of waters, but I just wasn't dilating. 20+ hours after pitocin was started, I was fully dilated and it was time to push. When the doctor arrived, I actually heard her say in the hall "She wanted a natural child birth, what happened"...I felt like a dagger.
Unfortunately, there was meconium in the waters, so Thomas would have to be attended to immediately after birth (no delayed cord clamping). After pushing for an hour it was clear that he was stuck and the doctor performed an episiotomy. She told me that she needed to do one and I actually begged her not to, that I would prefer tearing, but the baby's heart rate was beginning to drop and he needed to come out quickly. Thankfully, I didn't tear past the cut. As he came out the doctor realized that he was tangled up in the cord. It wasn't tightly around his neck, but around his neck and shoulders. So, that was another reason the cord had to be cut immediately. My husband didn't even get to do that.
I started crying the moment he came out...because the 30 hour labor was over, because it wasn't what I had imagined or hoped for in any way, and because my beautiful baby was finally here. He nursed like a champ right away, so thankfully all the intervention didn't mess with that. Though we did end up in the PICU at 5 days old with an infection - but there's no clear connection between his birth and getting sick. It is flu season, so for my own sake, I am going to say it was due to that & not a intervention-packed birth. If I went to that place I would probably never forgive myself.
I was really disappointed in the lack of attention given to my emotional needs during & after labor & delivery. I guess that's where a doula or additional support people would have stepped up. My husband was supportive, but focused on a healthy baby/mom, so medical intervention wasn't a big deal to him.
BUT....I have a beautiful, healthy baby boy. We did have a short stay in the PICU, but he's been given the all-clear now. He's perfect, with dark eyes & hair like his daddy and looks nothing like either of our baby pictures. I didn't know I could love someone so much! :-)
Maybe next time, we will have better luck having a NCB...
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Re: Things didn't work out...
Oh honey. This is the exact reason I refuse to choose a med free delivery and set it in stone in my mind. Sometimes is just doesn't happen. You want to be a gentle and accepting voice to yourself not one of accusation and shame. Pregnancy, labor and delivery are intense whether medicated or not. It's not just the physical exertion, but the spiritual rite of passage of becoming a mother to a live baby who will demand your attention for the next 18 years of your life at least!
I'm just sorrowful for you that you feel like you've somehow let the world down by offering yourself the option of pain relief and rest even though you still accomplished everything any mother does. You brought a new life into the world. You didn't fail by any sense of the word. Hopefully at some point you'll come to that conclusion about yourself too. What you did was amazing. Not shameful. You did the best you could with the cards you were dealt. Until you can believe that of yourself though, you'll probably struggle with this.
Congratulations on your sweet new baby! Well done mama!
After having a five close friends/family members who tried for a NCB with their first and didn't end up with a birth story they loved, I understand so much better. You are completely entitled to love that your baby is here and healthy (especially after a sickness scare as a newborn - that could happen to anyone NCB or not), but still be disappointed in the personal experience.
No need to beat yourself up, you are entitled to own those feelings - despite that being very hard to tell others that you are happy on one hand and disappointed on the other. And don't worry - of those 5 girls I know IRL...four of the five went on for amazing second (and third) NCBs that were healing and rewarding and the fifth decided it wasn't her cup of tea and felt very content in her repeat c-section choice. I hope sharing this has given you a voice and helps you make peace with a tough birth experience.
...baby #3 is here...
Congratulations on your new baby boy! Also, I'm sorry that your birth experience was not what you had hoped and planned for.
I had also planned for a natural birth and ended up with a high-intervention birth instead. My circumstances were rather different, but it sounds like you are battling the same emotions I was feeling shortly after my birth. The love for your baby and the disappointment for your birth are two seperate emotions that aren't mutually exclusive. You'll probably mourn your lost birth experience for a while, and that's OK.
Don't feel bad about posting on this board in the future (or now). For a while after my birth I felt like I didn't "belong" here anymore, but the ladies on this board have been nothing but supportive since I started posting here. I also felt like the hospital staff was insensitive to how disappointed I was with my birth. Some of their off-hand comments still bother me a year later. I also know, personally, I didn't have anyone IRL to talk to about my experience. This made the ladies here all the more valuable in working through my post-birth emotions.
Fingers crossed that we both get our NCB next time :-)
BFP#2: EDD 2/11/14, MMC confirmed 7/15/13 (growth stopped at 6 weeks), D&C @ 12 weeks 7/25/13
I love what another mama said, and want to echo it: "Be good to yourself!" Mourn the loss of the birth experience that you wanted, but be gentle on yourself. I've had two natural births, one hospital and one birth center, and both times I've thought, "This is why women get epidurals!" My births just happened to be fast enough that there wouldn't have been time for me to get one, so I certainly know better than to judge those who do. Only you know what your pain level was, and you did what you had to do.
*hugs*
All of this. You did nothing wrong. It may not have been as planned but you did what was best for you in the moment.
Congrats on your baby!
Congrats on your beautiful boy.
Please please be gentle with yourself. I say this as someone who cried for months after my dearly wanted natural delivery went wrong. Allow yourself to grieve the birth you wanted but try and remember the beautiful things that happened.
Congrats on your baby boy!
I had a very hard birth with my son. Lots of interventions and complications outside of my control. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and even still I question some of the decisions that were made. But we can't change the past. All you can do is learn from this when/if there is a next time. I am again planning a med-free hospital birth for #2 but I've made some changes, I have a new MW and a doula.
You didn't fail. You made decisions that were the best you could do at the time. You're also in the after-birth horribly hormonal period. Time will help. There is no shame if you want to talk to a therapist - ask your OB for a recommendation, just tell her you're having pp difficulties - you don't have to tell her why.
Congratulations on your baby!
Celebrating the birth of your baby is a very different thing than mourning the birth experience you hoped for. Don't buy into the myth that you can't/shouldn't process your grief fully while still celebrating your sweet baby. It sounds like you understand that because posting here was a great step to take. Over time, you may want to do more to process it and that is a good thing There is no timeline on feelings, and sometimes they feel resolved only to come back at unexpected times. With time may come addditional perspective. Maybe in six months write your birth story again. You may find different things to celebrate and contemplate. You may, at some point, find procuring your medical records helpful. You may find that you process this quickly and move on and in six months. Only time will tell. Just keep on talking about it, journaling, etc. when you get those little moments to yourself. We're here for you!
More Green For Less Green
Your birth went nearly exactly like my first one did, except for the pitocin. I was also overdue and went into labor on my own. The contractions were so intense, nothing in the world could have prepared me for them! I didn't know if I could go on, thinking I had 10 or 12 hours more to go. When I got to the hospital, even though I was 7 cm dilated, I asked for and received the epi. Mine also had to be placed twice! I also had problems pushing, and ended up with both a forceps delivery and an episiotomy. Grayson also had meconium, so that ramped up the stress on me to "hurry" and get him out.
Sometimes things just don't go according to plan. I know now that it is hard for FTM's to cope without serious labor support like a doula or midwife.
For my second birth, I had more resolve to have a NB than the first time. I had a great, natural hospital birth. For this one, I hope to have a home birth.
I confided in my midwife that I still had feelings of disappointment in my first birth experience *five* years later and she had great words for me - that birth is a process, sometimes it takes experience to get the birth that we ultimately want. It is okay to have feelings of disappointment, but don't beat yourself up. I think the intent and preparation for a NB are equally as admirable as doing it.
the biggest internet hugs ever coming your way.
i'm so sorry that your birth wasn't everything you dreamed it would be. i can totally relate - my first birth wasn't either. and i spent several years grieving it. i wish i could go back in time and get the help i needed then so i could have better enjoyed my son's first months and years. if you need to talk to someone, don't be afraid to do it. no one will judge you. perhaps you might even find a therapist who specializes in the needs of women during their childbearing years. that's what i do now!
congratulations on your birth and having a healthy baby! enjoy that precious bundle!
Hugs to you!
I'm so glad that you are choosing to share here and I hope that it has helped you out to get out your disappointment with your birth experience. It is hard to truly know and prepare for a NB the first time around. For my first, I didn't prepare at all and thought that I wanted a natural birth. I caved and was begging for the epi the moment I went into active labor. Then the epi didn't work and I did nothing but panic.
I would definitely recommend talking to someone to process your feelings. I went far too long last time before I did and things kind of spiraled out of control for me. If you plan on having more children, I guarentee that you will be more prepared the second time around and would be able to get a birth experience that you want. Getting the birth experience that I had planned for definitely helped me process and get over my first birth experience.
Congratulations on your healthy LO and enjoy those newborn snuggles.