If your first born child had special needs

Saltina11 · March 2012

Would you be one and done so you could focus all your energy on that child? Or would you go on to have other children. Why or why not?

Marsee · March 2012

Good question. For me, it would depend on the severity of the special needs. I would 1. be worried that LO #1 would be not be having all his/her needs met and 2. be worried that LO #2, etc. might also be special needs and there is no way I could handle more than 1 special needs kid.

So I guess I would lean toward saying that I would be one and done. It's really had to say unless I was in that situation. Thank God I'm not.

BoogieMonster629 · March 2012

I'd have more kids because I want more than one child

LnR70707 · March 2012

I would go on to have other children if it was financially feasible, but they would probably be spaced further apart...say 3-4 years rather than 2.

Technically, I will be a special needs parent/caregiver down the road. When my parents can no longer take care of my learning disabled diabetic sister, she will most likely be living with us. It won't be easy, and I hope my own children won't have resentment over the time she will take a way from them (we had a lot of family counseling because of her demands on the family when we were young) but we will make it work.

mainemommy · March 2012

If it was something I didnt cause Id go on to have another. If it was a genetic issue I think it would be selfish to knowingly put another child through that.

starz57182 · March 2012

We want two children, so I don't think it make us be one and done, but it might cause us to wait a little longer for a second.

It sort of depends on the special needs of that child. If it's something that is going to cost a ton of money in doctors or special equipment (like if they need special leg braces or a wheelchair or whatnot) then the cost alone could make us wait longer.

Overall though, I don't think it would make me change my mind about having a second unless we literally couldn't do it financially. I think it would be beneficial to any child with special needs to have a sibling, whether or not that sibling also has special needs or not.

Also, this might sound silly, but I wouldn't want the first child to think we didn't have anymore kids because he/she was "too hard," you know?

scuba2011 · March 2012

mainemommy:
If it was something I didnt cause Id go on to have another. If it was a genetic issue I think it would be selfish to knowingly put another child through that.

I agree. There are so many special needs that are caused by genetics that I may not have known I could have "caused" but there are others that happen as part of the developmental process of a baby that not necessarily caused by DH & my genes. We want 3 or 4 kids so if future LO2 had a disability there would be many discussions with with DH & medical professionals about likely hood of having future babies with the same disability, financial obligations, and needs for our current family.

hecallsmecat · March 2012

I would have at least one more, depending on the needs and how hard it would be to take care of them. DH's brother has Down Syndrome and requires a lot of attention. He is the youngest of 6 siblings, so it was a bit easier for his mother to care for him when the others could already do things for themselves so it's not exactly the same as having the special needs child as the first.

I will say though that BIL having sibling has enriched his life more than anything. They all dote on him and make sure that he feels important since he doesn't have many friends and can't really do anything on his own. He's 24 now and doesn't have too much to look forward to by way of getting married or having children himself, but he has 8 nieces and nephews (and one on the way), he was the best man at our wedding, and we made him Saoirse's godfather. DH and I will be the ones to care for him when his parents can no longer do it and we will keep his life as consistent as possible, including moving to Ireland so he will not have to leave his home. I can't imagine what his life would be like without his siblings.

So yes, I would have more kids so that my kid with special needs could have more people to love and care for him/her.

isacdimi10 · March 2012

I would continue to have children unless the issue was directly related to a genetic imperfection which would have a higher than 50% chance of continuing into any future children.

heedy07 · March 2012

This is actually something DH and I have been discussing since DS was diagnosed with a congenital eye defect. DS is not our first born, but the same concept applies. Basically, his eyes didn't form completely, and he has also been found to have some other issues as well. We know that something genetically isn't right, and we are in the process of trying to determine where the issue lies, and if it is something that was inherited or if it was just a random thing. We would like another child, but we also know that DS is going to require more attention and medical care than the "average" child. So, we have decided to put the discussion on hold until we have all of DS's genetic testing results and are more sure of exactly what issues he does have and to what extent they will affect him. "Special needs" can mean so many things, and the extra care requirements can range from minimal to extensive. Honestly, I was certain that we would have a third baby, no matter what, up until DS's diagnosis. Now, I am not so sure.

CocoBrynne · March 2012

Pretty much what everyone else said. It would greatly depend on the severity of the disability. I would say for sure tho that I wouldn't be hurrying to have a second one, I'd definitely wait until the other child's needs were fully addressed and I felt I had that part under control before throwing another baby into the mix.

COMomma81 · March 2012

This is tough... I have two friends who are in this situation. I think it would depend heavily upon what the situation was and the kind of care required. My friend has a son with CP and he requires a ton of medical care as well as special care/therapies as he cannot walk or speak. They chose not to have anymore, but plan to perhaps adopt in the future, an older child. Another friend has a daughter with Down Syndrome and they chose to have another child. It has worked well with both families (just using this illustration to show the difference in severity and this would absolutely be what I would base my decision on).

mainemommy · March 2012

heedy07:
This is actually something DH and I have been discussing since DS was diagnosed with a congenital eye defect. DS is not our first born, but the same concept applies. Basically, his eyes didn't form completely, and he has also been found to have some other issues as well. We know that something genetically isn't right, and we are in the process of trying to determine where the issue lies, and if it is something that was inherited or if it was just a random thing. We would like another child, but we also know that DS is going to require more attention and medical care than the "average" child. So, we have decided to put the discussion on hold until we have all of DS's genetic testing results and are more sure of exactly what issues he does have and to what extent they will affect him. "Special needs" can mean so many things, and the extra care requirements can range from minimal to extensive. Honestly, I was certain that we would have a third baby, no matter what, up until DS's diagnosis. Now, I am not so sure.

Im so sorry to hear this. I hope his testing comes back with good results & that no other medical issues are found with him.

katie4253 · March 2012

I wouldn't say it has effected my desire to have more babies (I was on the fence anyway). But, we are not in a place to have more babies right now. We'll talk about it once he gets older. But, he very well might be our one and only. We only have to do physical therapy weekly now, so it isn't like we have a ton of appointments. But, I could absolutely have another preemie and I would have to have another c-section. Those two things are just too much for us to deal with any time soon.

lisamoe · March 2012

I would like to say I would have another. Of course, this would depend on the severity of the special needs and whether or not I had something to do with the disability.

I don't think I would feel complete with just one child. I also think I can't truthfully answer this question, because I don't have the slightest idea on how it would be to raise a child with special needs. It would have to be a discussion H and I would decide on if we were presented with that scenario.

boogerbearoriginal · March 2012

I honestly don't know but I imagine it would depend on the disability, how severe and the cause. There would be a lot to consider from a practical standpoint and emotional standpoint. Probably because I always have wanted lots of children, unless it was something genetic that we would be very likely to have happen again.

My Step-Sister has 4 kids, 3 boys and 1 girl in that order. The 3rd boy was born with a very rare genetic disorder that will severely limit his physical and mental development. It is something that cannot happen to girls, only boys. They decided to have another child despite that because she wanted a daughter. TBH it surprised the family when she announced she was pregnant again. Between having the two older boys who were somehow fortunate to not get the gene, and quite frankly that they are struggling financially, none of us expected they would have more kids. But she got a daughter that she always wanted and they are happy so it all worked out.

So I guess it's hard to say what I would do but I think having a sibling is a wonderful thing regardless of child's needs.

aesf · March 2012

Unless genetic then yes. I want my baby to have family when im gone. I dont want to leave my special needs kid alone in the world when I pass. This doesnt mean I expect child #2 to care for my special needs kid... just visit him or her.

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