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Pre-School and Daycare
C.squared
member
Explaining death to a pre-schooler?
C.squared
member
Has anyone had to explain death to their child? My mom passed away (heart attack) before I even got married, so DD has never known her, but recently has started asking about my mom. The other day she drew a picture and asked me to give it to my mom - made me cry 
I don't want to lie to DD, but don't want to get into too much detail or scare her about getting sick and dying. We're not religious at all... Suggestions?
I don't want to lie to DD, but don't want to get into too much detail or scare her about getting sick and dying. We're not religious at all... Suggestions? This discussion has been closed.
Re: Explaining death to a pre-schooler?
hmmmm - I'm not sure, but I'm sort of in the same boat.
All DD's grandparents are alive and she understands that her grandparents are our parents but she started asking me a week or so ago, about my grandparents and wanted to know their names and asked about where they live, etc. I told her their names, but I told her they live very very far away and we probably won't see them for a very long time, but we miss them (and they miss us) and we can think about them whenever we want. That seemed to satisfy her.
My grandfather passed away in November, and since we saw him every week, I had to really explain things.
What I ended up telling him was that when you get really old, your body doesn't work the way it is supposed to any more. When he died, it meant we wouldn't see him any more. I explained that the funeral was a chance to say goodbye, and after that we would only have pictures and our memories of him.
I didn't like that I had to be so detailed with him, but he wouldn't accept anything less.
I just say that our Grammy doesn't live where we can see her anymore; she lives in a place called Heaven that we can't see. We can still talk to her, though, and she can always hear us.
When our fish died and we flushed him, I explained that he was also going to Heaven. (As a funny side note, when we flush DS's poop now, sometimes he will say, "BYE, Poopy! Have fun in Heaven!")
This made me smile and tear up.
I come from a very non religious family. After my Mom died I talked to him about only being able to see her in our dreams now. I couldn't really talk to him about heven or God because I wasn't raised that way and even though it would have been easier for him to understand I wanted to be as honest as I could be with him. I want him to make his own choices when it comes to his beliefs when he's older.
He seems to understand as well as he can for his age. He asks questions sometimes which always makes me cry. Now when ever he gets in trouble for something he says that he misses his Grandma because I think he figured out that I turn into mush and will forget that he just did something wrong. I'm sort of proud that he has learned to manipulate at such a young age.
DD was 18 months when my grandfather passed. We traveled from our home in CA at the time to Louisiana for the services. As she grew, we'd pull out pictures of family back home so she could learn faces and names and alot of those pictures were of my grandfather. There were pictures of him holding her when she was a newborn and pictures of his most recent visit; she was around 16 months at that time. So, when she'd ask "Where's Grandpa Pete?" I'd tell her he was in Heaven with God. And that's always been a sufficient answer for her. Shortly after moving back to Louisiana, we bought her two goldfish who quickly died (go figure!) and her first question to me was "Are Dora and Boots in Heaven with Grandpa Pete, God, & Jesus?" Clearly, she'd remembered our many conversations in the past and I didn't have to do much explaining or answer lots of questions. Just last week, her godfather passed away. I thought I'd have more difficulty and some tears and sadness with that death since they talked often and she'd spent more time with him as she'd gotten older. Thankfully, no sadness or tears but lots of questions about what happened and then talk of how she will be sad when I die or would she be able to still talk to me when I die. (which REALLY made me sad/cry--not in front of her, though; gotta hold it together!) So, long story short, death is a tough conversation. But, I find that if I'm honest with my daughter and teach her the things that I believe about death and what happens after that, then she will be OK. I always end the (brief) discussion with her knowing that she can come to me at any time and ask me questions or tell me how she's feeling. I know it's an on-going talk because as she gets older, she'll understand more and also because death is inevitable; it will come again. My job is to make sure she's as "prepared" as possible for when that happens, that there's a clear, healthy, and responsible way for her to express her feelings and grieve, that our beliefs (religious/spirital or otherwise) make sense to our family and our household, and that most importantly, I (along with our extended family) will be there to support her no matter what.
Keep your discussion short, age-appropriate and as honest as possible. Hope that helps!
Me too!