new baby born while dc with other parent?

Re: new baby born while dc with other parent?

• Holly_1007 member

  March 2012

  any chance you can arrange something ahead of time with xh in case, just to see where he stands on the issue? perhaps arranging it so that he will drop DC in the hospital lobby with grandparents for an hour (honestly any child will be bored at a hospital for too much longer than that)

  not sure how old DC is but I don't think its unreasonable to wait until the visitation weekend is over for DC to meet the new baby. 

  when DS was born it wasn't our visitation weekend with SD until a week later, so she had to wait a week to meet her brother (BM wouldn't allow us to meet up or anything so they could meet any other time besides our weekend)

                         
                        
  
  

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• hterry85 member

  March 2012

  How often/long does your LO spend with ex? If you're 50/50 or something obviously there is a good chance of this happening. But if its not longer than a weekend it shouldn't be much of an issue. You'll be in the hospital a couple days, so even if LO is with ex when the baby comes, it might not be an issue before you leave the hospital.

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• dmndsr4eva member

  March 2012

  How old is your DC?  I think it would be appropriate for your DC to come to the hospital shortly after the baby is born.  I like the idea of having your ex drop DC off with his grandparents.  If your ex will not let DC go then I guess you just will have to be honest and tell your DC that.  I would hope that your ex wouldn't be THAT petty.  How long have you two been separated?  I'm assuming a couple of years have passed?  Gosh you would hope someone would move on after a few years?!

   

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• dmndsr4eva member

  March 2012

  holly71087:

  any chance you can arrange something ahead of time with xh in case, just to see where he stands on the issue? perhaps arranging it so that he will drop DC in the hospital lobby with grandparents for an hour (honestly any child will be bored at a hospital for too much longer than that)

  not sure how old DC is but I don't think its unreasonable to wait until the visitation weekend is over for DC to meet the new baby. 

  when DS was born it wasn't our visitation weekend with SD until a week later, so she had to wait a week to meet her brother (BM wouldn't allow us to meet up or anything so they could meet any other time besides our weekend)

  Yikes, I personally am pretty angry at my ex but we have only been split up about 6 months.  If in a couple of years him and his girlfriend have a baby I certainly hope that I would not be so petty as to keep my DS from meeting his brother or sister.  Geez.  People really do hold a grudge don't they??

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• Sigir member

  March 2012

  In general, my exh and I can not agree on anything, and he does things purposely to upset me/ mess up my plans.  He does not ever have positive intentions when it comes to me.  So there is no way we can plan out anything in advance, actually if I tried to do that I can guarantee that he would do everything he could to do the opposite of what I wanted. I could also see him voyaristically trying to find a reason to come to the maternity floor, and I definitely don't want that.  There is just too much baggage/ power issues there, and I don't want to see him at all during that time. 

  dmndsr4eva:

  If your ex will not let DC go then I guess you just will have to be honest and tell your DC that.   
  

   

  I would never tell dc that exh did not let them come to the hospital though- that's one of those many things I have to suck up and not let dc know.  It would just damage dc's view of exh and I don't do that, no matter how difficult exh is.

  DC is 8... hterry, I have dc 70% of the time, so I am just hoping this will not end up being an issue.  Just in case, I do want to discuss with dh ahead of time though so we have a plan, and are not arguing about this right after I've given birth!
  

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• CFjo2010 member

  March 2012

  Sigir:

  In general, my exh and I can not agree on anything, and he does things purposely to upset me/ mess up my plans.  He does not ever have positive intentions when it comes to me.  So there is no way we can plan out anything in advance, actually if I tried to do that I can guarantee that he would do everything he could to do the opposite of what I wanted. I could also see him voyaristically trying to find a reason to come to the maternity floor, and I definitely don't want that.  There is just too much baggage/ power issues there, and I don't want to see him at all during that time. 

  dmndsr4eva:

  If your ex will not let DC go then I guess you just will have to be honest and tell your DC that.   
  

   

  I would never tell dc that exh did not let them come to the hospital though- that's one of those many things I have to suck up and not let dc know.  It would just damage dc's view of exh and I don't do that, no matter how difficult exh is.

  DC is 8... hterry, I have dc 70% of the time, so I am just hoping this will not end up being an issue.  Just in case, I do want to discuss with dh ahead of time though so we have a plan, and are not arguing about this right after I've given birth!
  

  Regarding the bolded statement: I used to feel the same way.  Whenever my ex would do something that hindered my kids doing something with me that they wanted to be a part of, I would just keep my mouth shut and let them be upset with me.  But I figured out there are other ways of saying what happened without saying "It's all your father's fault".  If your ex doesn't allow your child to come to the hospital to meet the new baby, you can simply tell your kiddo, "We told Daddy that the baby was born, but Daddy already had things planned with you and thought it would be better for you to meet your brother/sister after I was home from the hospital." or, "We told Daddy that we had the baby, but since you don't get to spend a lot of time with Daddy we wanted you to enjoy your visit and meet the baby when you came home."  I don't know how bad things are with your ex, but if he's the type of person who will make your DC feel like you deliberately excluded them from this event, you may want to try and explain that you did in fact try to get DC to meet the baby.

  As for your concern about your ex trying to come to the maternity ward, you can tell the nurses that under no circumstances is he allowed to be there.  If he's willing to bring DC by, that's great.  But he can either wait in the lobby or have an arranged time to come back and pick DC up.  Hopefully you 3 (you, dh and your ex) can work out a plan that everyone is (somewhat) comfortable with.  Good luck!

  

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• dmndsr4eva member

  March 2012

  Sigir:

  In general, my exh and I can not agree on anything, and he does things purposely to upset me/ mess up my plans.  He does not ever have positive intentions when it comes to me.  So there is no way we can plan out anything in advance, actually if I tried to do that I can guarantee that he would do everything he could to do the opposite of what I wanted. I could also see him voyaristically trying to find a reason to come to the maternity floor, and I definitely don't want that.  There is just too much baggage/ power issues there, and I don't want to see him at all during that time. 

  dmndsr4eva:

  If your ex will not let DC go then I guess you just will have to be honest and tell your DC that.   
  

   

  I would never tell dc that exh did not let them come to the hospital though- that's one of those many things I have to suck up and not let dc know.  It would just damage dc's view of exh and I don't do that, no matter how difficult exh is.

  DC is 8... hterry, I have dc 70% of the time, so I am just hoping this will not end up being an issue.  Just in case, I do want to discuss with dh ahead of time though so we have a plan, and are not arguing about this right after I've given birth!
  

  I think that it would be appropriate in this case to tell DC that unfortunately your Dad has other things planned for you so you can meet the baby as soon as your return from Dad's house.  That is the truth.  If you don't tell your child that then they are going to think that you purposely excluded them from the birth of your baby.  That is the way I see it.

  But I definitely sympathize with you.  If my ex's girlfriend were to have a baby right now I'm guessing they wouldn't call me when the baby was born either.  Given our terrible relationship (she was my ex's cowrker the entire time we were together) I'm guessing she wouldn't want me within 10 miles of the delivery room either.  However my son is only two so he wouldn't know the difference. 

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• wwnbw member

  March 2012

  Sigir:

  What do you think- can I just play it off casually with dc if this happens and when they come back from exh's house say something like 'oh, we just had the baby!" - but I think dc is too smart for that.   I was thinking of asking my parents to call exh and see if he will drop dc at their house, and they will bring dc to the hospital.  Only problem is that I know dh would not understand and not want exh involved at all (sometimes since dh does not have a bio child yet, I think he does not understand the emotional side as much as someone with a bio child does).  And of course there is always the chance that exh will refuse to let dc come anyway, during his parenting time. 

  What does Blended Families think?
  

  I'm confused as to why DH would care if things went this way. I don't really see how that is involving EXH with the birth of your child.

  

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• Sigir member

  March 2012

  jobalchak:

   

  Regarding the bolded statement: I used to feel the same way.  Whenever my ex would do something that hindered my kids doing something with me that they wanted to be a part of, I would just keep my mouth shut and let them be upset with me.  But I figured out there are other ways of saying what happened without saying "It's all your father's fault".  If your ex doesn't allow your child to come to the hospital to meet the new baby, you can simply tell your kiddo, "We told Daddy that the baby was born, but Daddy already had things planned with you and thought it would be better for you to meet your brother/sister after I was home from the hospital." or, "We told Daddy that we had the baby, but since you don't get to spend a lot of time with Daddy we wanted you to enjoy your visit and meet the baby when you came home."  I don't know how bad things are with your ex, but if he's the type of person who will make your DC feel like you deliberately excluded them from this event, you may want to try and explain that you did in fact try to get DC to meet the baby.

  I never really thought about it that way... it's an interesting take on it.  I have always just tried to protect dc from the awful things that exh may do... the way you explained it is a good way to approach it, if I have to.  It's def more honest than that I currently do!  I would never just be able to come out and say 'your dad would not let you come to the hospital' though- even though it may be the truth, it just seems like it would set up a lot of hard questions/ hard feelings that I try to avoid.  I like your approach though.
  

  
  

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• Sigir member

  March 2012

  wwnbw:

  Sigir:

  What do you think- can I just play it off casually with dc if this happens and when they come back from exh's house say something like 'oh, we just had the baby!" - but I think dc is too smart for that.   I was thinking of asking my parents to call exh and see if he will drop dc at their house, and they will bring dc to the hospital.  Only problem is that I know dh would not understand and not want exh involved at all (sometimes since dh does not have a bio child yet, I think he does not understand the emotional side as much as someone with a bio child does).  And of course there is always the chance that exh will refuse to let dc come anyway, during his parenting time. 

  What does Blended Families think?
  

  I'm confused as to why DH would care if things went this way. I don't really see how that is involving EXH with the birth of your child.

  If that were to happen, dh would have no problem with it... I think though that since dh has seen all exh's tricks, he would just be concerned that we would have drama at the birth.  It would be easier for dh just to say 'dc will meet the new baby when dc gets home"... but I don't want dc to be disappointed, either.  I feel a little in the middle!
  

  If dc is with exh when I go into labor, I guess I will just have to keep my legs crossed for a day or so!  j/k
  

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• la79al member

  March 2012

  Since I have 2 kiddos of my own, I have had both situations (though mine were with SKs, not bio).  When DD1 was born, we called the kids as soon as they got home from school.  I think BM was worried about how I would react if she showed up at the hospital with them so they did not get to meet DD until about a week later when it was our turn to have them.  When DD2 was born, we called them as soon as they got home from school and then made it clear to them and BM that she could bring them to the hospital to visit if she wanted.  She brought them to the hospital the day after DD was born.  To be honest, I thought I would want them to meet the baby as soon as it was born but in reality, they talk much more about walking into the house and seeing DD1 than they ever talk about coming to the hospital and seeing DD2.  They actually spent most of the time at the hospital playing with DD1, I'm not sure that both of them even held DD2 that day.  If you can work something out, great but this is not something I would stress out about. Maybe set something up with your parents so you can tell exh 'hey, if you want, my parents said if you want to drop dc off at their house, they will bring dc to the hospital to see the baby and then back to you'.  And I definitely agree with making sure the nurses know that exh is not allowed to come to your room.  Let them deal with the drama, they seem to be used to it. 

   

                           
  

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