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McGillicuddy13
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What do you do...
McGillicuddy13
member
When super frustrated with BM? H just spent an hour on the phone with his ex tonight, and I am livid. On one hand, I'm glad I'm not part of the conversation, but on the other, it's frustrating to be so angry at someone and not be able to voice those feelings. It's frustrating to work hard to be a big part of a step child's life and be treated like conversations about said child are "none of your business."
My stomach's going to be knotted up the rest of the night, and I'm probably going to have trouble sleeping, just thinking of the irrational freak outs we have to deal with for the next 11 years.
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Re: What do you do...
I should have stated... H is an amazing husband and dad. He protects me and SD as much as humanly possible, but he sometimes has a hard time handling BM. She has mental issues that I honestly believe are separate from him or me.
We generally do sit down and discuss how to handle any situation involving SD or BM, but I guess I feel hesitant to weigh in TOO much, because I know he's trying his hardest to resolve the situation. BM drudges up things that happened 3 years ago almost every time she gets mad at H for something.
Tonight, it was 8pm, and she felt the need to lecture H about SD not getting enough rest (her bedtime is 8:30, and of course, we had her to bed on time).
I guess I just feel like when SD is with us, what we do is really none of BM's business. She's H's daughter too. We don't exist to take orders from BM or listen to her lectures. I have no problem with her talking to H if there's a legitimate problem with SD, but that's it. She calls to try and assert her will over all of our time with SD, and that's just plain wrong.
She said tonight, "I hate that I know you're going to go discuss this with McGillicuddy after we get off the phone." H responded, "She's my WIFE! Of course I'm going to discuss this with her, because she has every right to know." BM said, "I just wish we could keep discussions about SD between you and I." For one, she called to complain about something that is a total non-issue, I think she just felt like starting a fight. For another, I am part of SD's family, and like it or not, I'm going to be part of those conversations. I swear I think she misses being married (or maybe just misses the fights), and uses SD as a reason to call H. I'm so done with putting up with it.
Oh ok-- I'm relieved that you're a part of your SD's life and the decisions more than your post made it seem lol.
It does sound like she just wants to talk to your husband. Maybe he should try to start limiting her calls more. Whether it be keeping them shorter somehow, or only talking to her once every few weeks on the phone or when necessary... Even better, maybe he should tell her that unless it is a total emergency, he'd prefer to communicate via email.
Tonight we discussed him just ending the call (by hanging up on her, if necessary) when she calls about these sorts of things in the future. He did tell BM that unless it's an emergency or legitimate problem involving SD, she shouldn't be calling to talk to him. Suggesting email communication is probably a good idea, since things are less likely to escalate that way, and easier to ignore.
I appreciate your input! Being a stepmom can pose such unique challenges. It's not like H has to deal with me talking to an ex-boyfriend everyday. I think sometimes it's hard for him to understand where to draw the line with BM.
You should be able to weigh in as much as you want with YH.
I have to admit that when I have a question about something that happens w/ DS on XH's time, I feel like it's ultimately his responsibility to answer it. That said, it's absurd that she has some irrational expectation of privacy that excludes you. I'm glad YH stood up for you on that count.
It sounds like she has some major boundary issues with YH. XH and I split in 2005, and I have never had any reason to spend an hour on the phone with him. We communicate via email, but even if we HAD to talk, there's not been anything that couldn't be straightened out in 15 minutes.
personally i started seeing a therapist. i couldnt deal with BM's crap. DH would tell me about the conversations and ask for my opinion and I would just get so frustrated with all of it that I would get mad at DH (for not standing up for himself, me or sd and letting BM walk all over him)
It got to the point that i was having resentment issues towards sd because of the nasty things her mother was saying to and about DH. in therapy i was allowed to openly vent about the entire situation to a neutral third party.
If you and your DH draw your boundary lines and enforce them, that's a good start. It allows you to feel in control of your situation. Know that you can't change BMs actions but you can control your reactions.
I also found that if I could understand why BM was doing the things she was doing it made it easier to let go.
I am sorry. Ugh, I personally would never want to talk to my EX H for a freaking hour! I would say 90% of our communication is done via email and that is how I like it. My H does talk to his ex gf (BM2) on the telephone and I know they talk about stuff other than SD. It isn't anything that causes me to worry, I am actually glad they can be civil now and have a normal conversation. BUT that said, she doesn't bash me or my H, and she doesn't have any other motives, so I don't get upset or feel threatened in any way.
It really does sound like your H needs to really put up some boundaries and stick to them.
At the beginning of my interactions with BM I would just bottle up all my frustrations about things she said/did. But I'd end up taking it out on DH, which of course isn't fair. So I started confronting her accusations. She used to send DH emails saying that the kids only get dirty and hurt at our house, that she has to re-teach them how to use eating utensils after being with us, etc. After a few of those emails I wrote back to her and called her out on SS's ER visit when he was at her house, etc. I think she's finally getting the fact that though DH used to let her control him (and I feel sometimes he still does), I will not put up with her manipulating.
I've talked to DH about his/our communication with BM. I've asked that he fill me in any time he talks to her - which to some people might be excessive, but if it's regarding the kids and I'm one of their parents and it affects my life too, I have the right to know. When we send emails about school/daycare and such, all three of us are copied so we're all on the same page.
I agree that your DH shouldn't have to be on the phone with BM for an hour though!! I hate it any time DH talks to her. Yes, because they used to be married, but also just because she's not nice to him (at least not genuinely). She's always dating someone new and the relationships don't last - and now she's getting flirty with DH! She's constantly referring to the kids as "our kids" instead of by their names, like either of us need to be reminded that they used to be together. She calls DH if she's mad at me and recently called him because I'd sent her an email that made her think I was annoyed with her (which I was), and she wanted to find out if I really was. I asked DH to please not talk about me with her, and I asked her to come to me if she has issues with me. Like it or not, you're a third parent to your SK's and BM needs to accept that!
Love this suggestion, except BM calls to talk to SD every night (and sometimes once during the day) when she's with us. (H does the same when she's with BM.) I like that the communication is open with both parents wherever SD is, and it's impossible to know when BM is calling to talk to SD or calling to lecture H. There have been instances in the past where she and H get into it, then she calls back 85 times. He could easily not answer those calls, but she'd start calling his family members, and possibly even come over to our house. When she's pissed, she'll stop at nothing.
I can relate to all of this. Earlier in our marriage, the boundary issues were worse - H didn't want to "rock the boat" by standing up for himself (and therefore me), so he'd let BM get away with murder. I was in therapy then, and it did help just being able to talk to someone.
I think H and I both deal with it a lot better now, but there are still challenges. I do find myself having resentment issues toward SD when stuff like this blows up, but I have to remind myself that she didn't choose her mother, and she can't control how BM acts. I'm not sure how you ever fully get past feelings like this. I think the best thing would be for H and I to have as little as possible contact with BM.
H is very much a people-pleaser, and I think he carries a lot of guilt about the divorce (he comes from a very religious family where it's considered wrong under any circumstances), which makes him compensate by going along with things BM demands. He's gotten SO much better about this, but still feels the need to talk her down when she starts freaking out about something. That hurts me, because she shouldn't get to talk to him that way. She shouldn't get to use him for emotional support, and she definitely shouldn't get to yell or lecture him about his own daughter or make ugly comments about me and my family (who are also now H and SD's family). She's very hateful, and ends up bringing up things that happened in their marriage and subsequent divorce every time (even though it was years ago, and she recently went through her second divorce).
Anyway - I've written way more than I intended. I mostly wanted to post here to be able to write it all out and talk to someone other than H (not because I feel like I can't, but because we've re-hashed the BM talk a million times). I think we just need to have much more rigid boundaries, and I should feel free to confront BM when she gets too out of line, if it involves me.
How old is SD? When BM calls to talk to K (she's 6) or when my XH calls to talk to my kids, we hit the "answer" button on the cellphone and hand it off right away. That way we don't have to talk to XH or BM. The kids are all old enough to know how to hang up the phone as well, and they do when they're done talking. Maybe start doing that. If she calls back after SD hangs up, do as wendilea said and let it go to voicemail.
If BM starts calling repeatedly or calling family members or shows up at your home, call the police. Have your family members fill out Declarations and then have your husband obtain a restraining order on their behalf. Unless it's literally a life or death situation, there is no reason whatsoever for her to be contacting everyone under the sun and showing up at your home. Your husband may need to have it put in the CO that any communication needs to be done through email, but that obviously requires a trip back to the lovely Courthouse. But if the harrassment continues, it won't be difficult to get that CO.
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H needs to keep reinforcing that what goes on in your house is none of BMs business as long as SD is safe. And if she feels like SD is in danger she should address that with her attorney.
I agree on insisting on e-mail communication. If she calls let SD talk, then DH should tell her to have a nice evening and hang up.