mother in law pushes home birth, not for me, HELP

futuremidwestmom · March 2012

This is my first post on any of these boards, and I'm not sure if this is the best board to post this on, but since I don't see anything for families or in laws, here goes. My husband and I are planning to start TTC in the coming months. We are both excited and equally understandably anxious. My question/concern- his mother and I don't always see eye to eye and never have. She is VERY opinionated no matter the topic and doesn't keep her opinions a secret, even if you aren't asking. Imagine the pushiest person you know and multiply by about 5 to get some idea of her. I honestly, for my sanity, just try and avoid her as much as possible for our marriage and my sanity. I can't always since we live close. One of the things she staunchly pushes on everyone whenever she sees an opening is homebirth. My husband comes from a large extended family with many home birth advocates and herein lies my concern. When the time comes, I do not want a home birth and never will. My husband and I have spoken at length about this and while he has his mother's opinion drilled into his head, he is supportive of me and this decision. And yes, I have looked into it just for my own peace of mind, and his, and my decision stands. I know his mother will not be supportive and I don't want a joyous time period to turn into tension. I want to avoid any unnecessary drama, but I can't count on her to do the same. She calls doctors and hospitals "stupid" and rants and raves about hospital births to anyone who will listen and praises home birth as the "best thing ever". She had her youngest at home and thinks it should be what everyone does. Short of calling her a "home birth nazi", she believes she is always right and everyone else is always wrong if you disagree with her. Most of her relatives think along the same lines. I've seen plenty of info out there about convincing a husband into doing a homebirth, but not the reverse. Likewise, I see lots out there on how to convince extended family that you want a home birth, but nothing on how to explain or convince others that you want a hospital birth. This is a weird situation I find myself in and I'm the first to admit that and I'm starting my research early to be a few moves ahead of the onslaught I know I'll be faced with. I feel sometimes like I'm totally surrounded by these people and can't get away. Any advice or tips for me? I know all that matters in the end is me and my husband and our future children but I'd like to avoid drama along the way if I can. Thanks.

Mysterious_wife · March 2012

I didn't read that long ass post, but here is my opinion. Tell her to shove it. Your kid. Your body. Your vag. Your choice. She birthed her children her way, now it is your turn to birth your children your way.

HappyAardvark · March 2012

Yikes. As long as your husband is behind you 100%, the first time it comes up, I'd politely but FIRMLY tell your MIL that you are planning a hospital birth and the matter is not up for further discussion. And if she tries to keep going there, be prepared to leave the room, house, hang up the phone, whatever, to show her you meant what you said. Your husband too - that is going to be critical.

LLK122207 · March 2012

I did read that long ass post.. I really wish I had better advice! I would say you are "keeping an open mind" to keep the peace and in the end do as you wish.. say you want to be in a hospital in case of an emergency... if medical intervention is needed! GL I hope you can enjoy the pregnancy!

happytobemrs.m · March 2012

Mysterious_wife:
I didn't read that long ass post, but here is my opinion. Tell her to shove it. Your kid. Your body. Your vag. Your choice. She birthed her children her way, now it is your turn to birth your children your way.

This. 110%.

peanutmuse · March 2012

HappyAardvark:
Yikes. As long as your husband is behind you 100%, the first time it comes up, I'd politely but FIRMLY tell your MIL that you are planning a hospital birth and the matter is not up for further discussion. And if she tries to keep going there, be prepared to leave the room, house, hang up the phone, whatever, to show her you meant what you said. Your husband too - that is going to be critical.

I agree with this 100%, especially the bolded part.

SchruteBucks · March 2012

My situation is similar, but the opposite. I am very pro homebirth/midwives. My husband's mother thinks doctors are second to God and homebirth and midwives are akin to murder/suicide. She, of course, has done no research on either hospital birth or homebirth but spews her opinions as if she was an expert on both.

My miscarriage last month, in her opinion, is because I had a midwife. Granted I was only 5 weeks along, but simply choosing a midwife for a caregiver doomed me to a miscarriage. Had I had a doctor, he could have waved his magic doctor wand and stopped the miscarriage.

My husband respectfully but very firmly told her that the decision was not hers to make or comment (to us) on. That we were well educated on all of our birthing options and had made the decision we felt was safest and best for our family. He told her he appreciated her love and concern and that she didn't have to agree with our choice but she did have to respect it.

Good luck!

ETA...don't try and justify your decision or make her OK with it. You don't have to give her reasons and try and get her approval. This is YOUR decision. Your husband needs to back you on this and whenever the subject comes up it needs to be quickly ended. "Mom, we have made our decision and it is not up for discussion". The end. Don't debate her on it, it is none of her business.

kaleyandjason · March 2012

Hmm... Really the only thing you can do it stick to your guns. If you do not want to have a home birth you have to firmly tell her that. This is your baby and your life. Maybe have a list of reasons why you want to give birth in a hospital. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to her, but if it comes down to it you could say this, this, and this are all MY reasons for having my baby in a hospital.

jimmie48fan · March 2012

HappyAardvark:
Yikes. As long as your husband is behind you 100%, the first time it comes up, I'd politely but FIRMLY tell your MIL that you are planning a hospital birth and the matter is not up for further discussion. And if she tries to keep going there, be prepared to leave the room, house, hang up the phone, whatever, to show her you meant what you said. Your husband too - that is going to be critical.

Exactly this and maybe tell her is she keeps on ranting about it that if she thinks hospitals and doctors are so horrible and stupid then she can wait to see the baby when you get home from the hospital. Lay down the law, hopefully it will only take a couple of times to lay down the law but if you stick to your guns about it she will learn you don't back down, just like a toddler you have to follow through or they don't believe you...........your body not her's.

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · March 2012

As long as your husband is 100% behind you, then when it inevitably comes up, you should firmly stand your ground, but not necessarily cause a massive blow-up either. In an ideal world, when it comes up, your husband will be the first to give her the answer that it is a decision that will be made by the two of you. If he doesn't, you still have a right to stand your ground.

Once you do that, knowing in your heart that you tried to give her the hint, from then on I would just yes her to death every time it comes up. "yes, I see what you mean" "yea, I'll think about it" "uh-huh, that makes sense" Then, in the end, you do exactly what you planned to do in the first place with no second thoughts.

Good luck, hope she gets the point right away and hope your husband stands his ground for you, too, it will makes things a lot easier in the long run.

blonddnyc · March 2012

just curious... what are your reasons for a having a hospital birth? i would suggest you look into all available options, so you are fully educated, that way when she does bring it up you are prepared with facts and knowledge - maybe you can let her know what your plans entail and why, and justify your reasons basted on your wants/needs. in the end it is your body and your baby and your choice, and you need to do whats right for you but i would suggest you thouroughly research both options (home birth and hospital) if nothing more then to at least have back up for when it gets brought up.

CupcakeKaper · March 2012

I agree with PPs...this is YOUR baby coming out of YOUR vag...so it's YOUR decision.

nyc7781 · March 2012

The hell with her opinions. Maybe it worked for her, but YOU are not her. It's your life, your child's life and YOUR decision. Don't back down. It's not up for discussion and you will have to be clear about that. I'm glad DH is supporting you. I'm against home births.

A perfectly healthy pregnancy can go very wrong, very fast. If my mother didn't have me in a good hospital with an OR and NICU, one or both of us would have died.

Everyone deserves to make their own decision about something like this.

FirefightersBride · March 2012

Whew...she sounds like a doozie. Personally, I'd tell her if she wasn't there for the conception, she doesn't need to be there for the birth and that you'll do whatever you darn well please, where you want to do it. She has zero right to say what you do with your uterus. GL!

Mysterious_wife · March 2012

GhostMonkey:
blonddnyc:
just curious... what are your reasons for a having a hospital birth? i would suggest you look into all available options, so you are fully educated, that way when she does bring it up you are prepared with facts and knowledge - maybe you can let her know what your plans entail and why, and justify your reasons basted on your wants/needs. in the end it is your body and your baby and your choice, and you need to do whats right for you but i would suggest you thouroughly research both options (home birth and hospital) if nothing more then to at least have back up for when it gets brought up.
Ooo, OP. If you want practice telling someone to fuvck off, here is an awesome chance.

I really miss your ass on BOTB.

ah625 · March 2012

Have your baby where you want. Don't call her to the hospital. Let her know when you go home that the baby has been born and she can come visit and set a time for that. Stick to your guns and don't answer the door if she shows up unannounced. She might be your mother in law but she has no right to treat you like a child and try to get what she wants in *your* life.

Mysterious_wife · March 2012

GM-indeed. Just so you know I feel like a real TTGPer, with the I love you. No I love you. I love you more. BS that goes on daily.

awylie4408 · March 2012

i would let her know NOW, while you are ttc. I would tell her that you know how she feels and where she stands but that you WILL be having a hospital birth. Tell her that before she even speaks, there is nothing she can say that you havent read in the research or that you cant google for yourself. Tell her that by letting her know now she will have a minimum of 9 months to get used to the idea and that you hope she can be supportive but that if she cant, then she will be missing the birth of her grandchild. The ttc and pregnancy process is stressful enough and you dont need her pushing you in a direction that isnt for you.

yenny · March 2012

CupcakeKaper:
I agree with PPs...this is YOUR baby coming out of YOUR vag...so it's YOUR decision.

This ..and I would not stress this till I had a BFP.

LiteraryFoodie · March 2012

Wow! I wish my family was on the home birth bandwagon. DH and I will be planning a home birth and we're in pretty much the opposite situation. Just mentioning it terrifies my mother...

With that said, every couple needs to do the best thing for their family. I'd suggest coming up with a "party line" that you repeat over and over again and that doesn't invite a lot of question or conversation. Something like, "I appreciate everything you are telling me. Thank you very much and I appreciate you're concern. My husband and I are thankful for of all of our birthing options, and we've decided that a hospital birth is best for us, though we recognize that is not the case for every family. Thanks for understanding and being supportive of your future grandchild/neice/nephew etc." End of story. Repeat ad nausea.

jonesdouglas · March 2012

happytobemrs.m:
Mysterious_wife:
I didn't read that long ass post, but here is my opinion. Tell her to shove it. Your kid. Your body. Your vag. Your choice. She birthed her children her way, now it is your turn to birth your children your way.
This. 110%.

Yup...

kelly321 · March 2012

awylie4408:
i would let her know NOW, while you are ttc. I would tell her that you know how she feels and where she stands but that you WILL be having a hospital birth. Tell her that before she even speaks, there is nothing she can say that you havent read in the research or that you cant google for yourself. Tell her that by letting her know now she will have a minimum of 9 months to get used to the idea and that you hope she can be supportive but that if she cant, then she will be missing the birth of her grandchild. The ttc and pregnancy process is stressful enough and you dont need her pushing you in a direction that isnt for you.

I think if we were dealing with a normal, rational person this would be great advice. From how the OP described her MIL, though, I think it would be a bad idea.

OP, honestly, I would discuss with DH that any time his mother said anything about homebirthing or doctors to have the pat reply, "Thanks for your advice. We'll take it into consideration and do what we decide is best for our family." Repeat as necessary. Hopefully after the 50th time she'll get frustrated and give up. If not, keep repeating.

While I also agree that you should be educated on your birthing options, I do not think you should try to get into a discussion with your MIL on the benefits of doctors / birthing in a hospital. She sounds like the kind of person who is so set in her ways that she won't budge anyway and will take any opportunity you give her to try to browbeat you into having a homebirth.

That's why my advice is to never ever bring the subject up yourself. If she does, read my advice in paragraph two. If that doesn't work, avoid her.

Also, for the record, if I hadn't gone to a hospital when I was having what I described as "a really bad stomach ache," there's a significant chance DD would have died and I might have as well since it turned out to be HELLP and I was otherwise asymptomatic. Hospitals have bad aspects, yes, but in the vast majority of cases they are not your enemy.

baby_mama88 · March 2012

SchruteBucks:

My miscarriage last month, in her opinion, is because I had a midwife. Granted I was only 5 weeks along, but simply choosing a midwife for a caregiver doomed me to a miscarriage. Had I had a doctor, he could have waved his magic doctor wand and stopped the miscarriage.

My mouth litterally dropped open.

She is either incredibly stupid or incredibly insensitive. Even if she felt that to be true there is absolutly no reason on earth she should have said that to you. I'm sorry you had to deal with such insensitivity in such a horrible time. You are a better person than me if you didn't tear her a new one.

OP: If you are like me and kind of a pushover... don't hesitate to make it your husbands job to stand up to his mother for you. Explain that you do not want to burn any bridges and that handleing this situation properly will be neccesary if any sort of relationship is to be continued... Unless you want to burn bridges, then tell her to go suck an egg and if she wants to meet this grandbaby to kindly shove it.

Reyka9 · March 2012

LLK122207:
I did read that long ass post.. I really wish I had better advice! I would say you are "keeping an open mind" to keep the peace and in the end do as you wish.. say you want to be in a hospital in case of an emergency... if medical intervention is needed! GL I hope you can enjoy the pregnancy!

I would NEVER say this to someone who is extremely pro home birthing because it would open the floodgates: she'll go on and on about how unnecessary most interventions are, how emergency situations can arise from those unnecessary interventions, etc.

I echo pretty much everyone else, OP. Your body, your child, your decision. You'd best learn how to stand up to your MIL now, because trust me, the unsolicited advice doesn't stop with the birth of the child. You've got years and years of putting your foot down ahead of you.

sweetpea2003 · March 2012

Her opinions will not end with home birth. Welcome to the world of parenting, where strong opinions about everything from circumcision to breast feeding to sleep training to discipline to schooling fly around constantly.

Consider this issue practice for the rest of your parenting life. You need to set a polite tone with MIL regarding her strong opinions. That you understand her thoughts but after exhaustive research have chosen a different path. If she keeps harping, time for your DH to step in.

Be confident in your choices. Worrying about what others think on situations like this is fruitless. Only YOU can let or ruin your experience.

Suz+Mo · March 2012

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!!! In law relationships are so tough and I think you are doing the right thing to try to avoid drama and start prepaing now to figure out how to deal with it! I also think you are very wise to tell your husband about your concerns so that you two can be united in your decision.

Once you and your husband are completely in agreement on the decision, I think he needs to support you by having your back when it comes to his mom. He needs to tell her your decision and not say it like "she wants to have a hospital birth, so I"m okay with it" but instead tell his mom "we have talked it over and WE have decided a hospital birth is the decision for us" He needs to present it as a "WE" decision so you dont come out looking like the bad guy. You also don't owe her any reasons for the decision so I probably wouldn't offer any. If she asks why, tell her that you guys have made the decision, the decision is final and you hope she will respect you in that decision.

On a side note (not trying to be pushy....trust me, if I get pregnant, I'm having a hospital birth with a doctor, so I'm not into this myself....not trying to be pushy!) but have you looked into having a midwife birth in a birthing center/birthing clinic. It's kind of a halfway between hospital and home birth. Just a thought! But totally go with a hospital birth if that's your thing!

Suz+Mo · March 2012

SchruteBucks:

My situation is similar, but the opposite. I am very pro homebirth/midwives. My husband's mother thinks doctors are second to God and homebirth and midwives are akin to murder/suicide. She, of course, has done no research on either hospital birth or homebirth but spews her opinions as if she was an expert on both.

My miscarriage last month, in her opinion, is because I had a midwife. Granted I was only 5 weeks along, but simply choosing a midwife for a caregiver doomed me to a miscarriage. Had I had a doctor, he could have waved his magic doctor wand and stopped the miscarriage.

My husband respectfully but very firmly told her that the decision was not hers to make or comment (to us) on. That we were well educated on all of our birthing options and had made the decision we felt was safest and best for our family. He told her he appreciated her love and concern and that she didn't have to agree with our choice but she did have to respect it.

Good luck!

ETA...don't try and justify your decision or make her OK with it. You don't have to give her reasons and try and get her approval. This is YOUR decision. Your husband needs to back you on this and whenever the subject comes up it needs to be quickly ended. "Mom, we have made our decision and it is not up for discussion". The end. Don't debate her on it, it is none of her business.

Way to go SchruteBucks!!!!!! Her advice is solid and I have so much respect for Schrute for the way she handled her own situation!!

And I totally agree....dont turn it into a debate. She's not a decision maker so she is not involved and doesn't "deserve" to know your reasons. That's between you and your husband!

Mrs. Mo · March 2012

CupcakeKaper:
I agree with PPs...this is YOUR baby coming out of YOUR vag...so it's YOUR decision.

Exactly this. As long as the baby is coming out of you, you are the one who gets to decide where you want to have it. What is right for one person isn't always right for everyone else. Consider this the first lesson in being a parent. Everyone and their brother will try to tell you that their way of doing something re: raisng a child is the "best" way (ex: FF vs. BF, disposable vs. cloth diapers, etc). You have to do what is right for you & your family and not care what others think.

Apybrown2010 · March 2012

Mysterious_wife:
I didn't read that long ass post, but here is my opinion. Tell her to shove it. Your kid. Your body. Your vag. Your choice. She birthed her children her way, now it is your turn to birth your children your way.

This... You have to stick up for yourself.. You need to feel comfortable during the birth and not be forced into something you don't want to do.

insertclevername · March 2012

blonddnyc:
just curious... what are your reasons for a having a hospital birth? i would suggest you look into all available options, so you are fully educated, that way when she does bring it up you are prepared with facts and knowledge - maybe you can let her know what your plans entail and why, and justify your reasons basted on your wants/needs. in the end it is your body and your baby and your choice, and you need to do whats right for you but i would suggest you thouroughly research both options (home birth and hospital) if nothing more then to at least have back up for when it gets brought up.

Your reading comprehension is apparently about as good as your ability to form coherent sentences. The OP said that she looked into options other than hospital birth and decided that was what she ultimately wanted to do. She does not need to justify her choice to her MIL.

OP, it sounds like you and DH are on the same page and that is all that matters. As others have said-be firm if and when the topic comes up and make sure DH backs you up 100%.

JellyTwoPointO · March 2012

First of all, if she's already discussing this with you, she's putting the cart miles above the horse. While I certainly hope this doesn't happen to you, the infamous saying around here is that it can take a couple up to a year to conceive. You're not even PG get. For NOW, I would say that to her and say you don't want to discuss it further because you're not ready to think that far ahead.

Personally, I DO believe in home births whenever possible. But many don't and THAT'S OK. You need to use your intuition as a mom when the time comes to do what's best for YOU. I guess I would just say to not invite drama. Period. Even though she's family, don't discuss your plans with her about anything you think she would turn into an argument. If she asks why you don't discuss plans with her, either confront her and tell her it's because of her argumentative nature and you don't want to get into it -- OR, if you don't want to be do direct, say that you and DH want to keep these plans as intimate of an experience as possible, so you're not discussing it much with others.

Either way, this is a good introduction to parenting for you because you'll find that everyone has an opinion about everything regarding TTC, pregnancy, birth, and how you choose to parent your kids. Now is actually a good time for you to practice tactfully standing your ground because as a future mom, youre headed for a lifetime of needing to do that.

brookelynpaisley · March 2012

"Thank you for your opinion. My husband and I have researched our options and decided what is best for our family, and we'll be doing a hospital birth. It's not open for discussion. If you can't be respectful of that, the role you'll have in this pregnancy and birth will be limited."

Done.

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mother in law pushes home birth, not for me, HELP

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