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Attachment Parenting
WWYD- DH disagrees w/ AP
Long story short- DH does not agree w/ AP. I tell him that we do a "semi-AP" anyway (I don't co-sleep)- I only wear her when I have stuff to do around the house- and I BF...so we are not "hard-core."
My DH on the other hand is more of the "kids should CIO/fuss it out" type (we do plan on doing a modified Ferber since I travel for work but not til 6 mos)...and he's not much for reading up on anything- in his mind, "you can google anything and then say we should do this..." I am at my wits end. I've finally said- that we will follow MY instincts...since I had Tiger Bunny in my body and that responsive, positive parenting is more my speed. Also...our kid is "high needs"- which I think is great (I love the strong sensitive types)- so she's happier w/ a responsive mom.
Advice ladies (oh...and it doesn't help that his sister who has a 20 month old is as DE-tatched as they come)- so I always hear "well, Katie did this....etc."
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Re: WWYD- DH disagrees w/ AP
I used a lot of facts, facts about the 'ap' style things that are beneficial. I am not one to respond well to someone saying "well so-and-so did this" Well good thing they didn't jump off a bridge! I would kindly say "Our daughter isn't Katie's, so we need to parent our daughter, Katie can parent hers"
If he thinks you can 'google' anything tell him to get his 'googled' stuff and you tw can compare notes. I offered this to my SO, he quickly declined and said "You are pretty caught up" and started 'listening' more. If you can get him to read a book "why love matters" is a good one also "the baby bond" show him two books with scientific evidence and he may ease up.
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Are you the main caregiver?
I would try to stick with "following your instincts" and "doing what feels right" as opposed to trying to get him to read or talk about AP articles.
Do you have any friends IRL that are AP or semi-AP? Perhaps being around other families would help him get past his feelings that CIO and the other things are the normal thing to do.
Maybe read (and get him to read it, too?) the book "Our Babies, Ourselves". It talks about how babies are raised is just a reflection of their culture - societies who think walking is of utmost importance have babies who walk sooner, and societies (like the US) that push "independence" or STTN have babies who are more independent/STTN sooner. Anyhoo, it has some boring parts, but it talks about different countries and what they think babies should "do" - it might be a good starting point to talk to him about how you'd like to parent. hth
https://www.amazon.com/Our-Babies-Ourselves-Biology-Culture/dp/0385483627/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331320719&sr=8-1
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Yikes. My adivce would have been to sort this out before LO was here...but since that's passed...
IMO most men hear things better from experts, etc. I couldn't get DH to relax about us "spoiling" DD until our pedi said you can't spoil a newborn. Moreover, I find most dads defer to Mommy in the end (but don't like to admit it out loud) so lead by example and show him the evidence (concisely) when you can with some of the books PPs recommended. GL
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to a certain degree, you guys will have different parenting styles, and that's ok. to a certain degree, you can't dictate his. (if you're out of town and he wants to CIO, he can. it may anger you, but he can still do it.) if there are things you think are vital, then you have to be willing to be totally responsible for them. (for instance, if you thought CIO was an absolute no-go, you would have to either not travel - which could mean no job or a different job - or find a sitter that would take night-shifts and not CIO.)
I would encourage you guys to talk about WHY you are making these decisions. and not from a "google says" or "all these other people say", but rather a "I feel that doing X with our baby will send him this message, and I don't want to send him that one." sure, sure back it up with good, solid information, but start with YOUR OWN reasons. and when he says "but my sister does this", you can remind him that neither one of you are his sister, nor is your child his sister's child. parenting style has to match both the child and the parent.
Yeah, sounds like maybe he heard something or read something or someone said something he really didn't like in regard to AP.
Our kiddo isn't hear yet, but I agree with what someone else said about Dads usually defer to Mom. Every time DH and I have disagreed on something I've subtly brought him to my point of view by not arguing my point with him. I know he's a visual person, so I use that to my advantage. I could never ask him to read a book, or use logic and theory in discussion. It'll go in one ear and out the other.
When he told me he would never "let" me have a natural birth because it's not safe and he wants me in a hospital, I didn't say anything. A few weeks later I send him an email while he was at work with a trailer to The Business of Being Born saying, "Hey hunny pie! Can we watch this tonight?" 20 minutes in he said, "You are NOT going to a hosipital!"
Same thing with the circumcision debate. (He was for it, I was against). I didn't say anything when he stated his point of view. A month or so later, I put on a video from Youtube while he was in the next room. Hearing the baby scream brought him running, demanding to know what was happening to that poor baby. Midway through he says, "We are NOT doing that to our son!"
He's a man. It's best if I let most things be "his idea".
I've looked into AP and have several friends who are raising their LOs using that dynamic. It resonates as something that I believe with work with our lifestyle. I know discussing theory with DH will be useless, but seeing as I'll be the primary caretaker and this is our first, I trust that he'll follow my lead and ask questions as he finds them necessary.
I hate when people say this. I am in nearly the exact same situation as the OP, but I had very little opinion on parenting styles prior to having a child. If anything, I was in the non-AP camp, so my DH and I would have mostly agreed on things. My feelings drastically changed once I had a baby and discovered that AP fit what I wanted for our son. It felt right, even though I didn't originally think I'd parent this way. I think that doing a 180 like I did is very common. Just because 2 people agree on a parenting style prior to having kids doesn't mean they are going to feel the same way 9 months later. Same thing goes for religion, politics, or anything else controversial.
To the OP: I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is incredibly frustrating. My DH is very similar to yours. In my case, I've basically taken over most of the parenting responsibilities, so if I am doing most of the work, I am going to do it my way. Over time, through demonstration, you may be able to get him to see your side of things. I also agree that hanging out with friends who are AP friendly will help as well. If you have a LLL group in your area, that would be a good place to start finding some other like-minded parents. Not all of the members are AP, but LLL does cater to the AP lifestyle. Good luck!
I agree with this. I never planned on doing ap stuff before baby, but when I had a baby with reflux and sensory issues that constantly craved being held and freaked when he was left alone my tune changed. Unless we let him CIO at 2 weeks old, he wasnt sleeping alone and naturally DH wasnt on board with CIO at that age.
I have found that with a lot of situations- not just limited to AP - I've had to show my husband (rather than just tell him or give him articles to read) before I could get him on board with my parenting ideas. Sometimes that has involved leaving him to deal with a situation and letting him try his way, and waiting for him come back to me for help or advice. Then I get my opportunity to show or explain my way of doing things, and it seems to click with him. It has actually worked really well to help us blend our parenting styles. He is now more likely to take my word on what does and doesn't work without challenging me. In turn, he has shown me a lot of his ideas that do work and I wouldn't have thought of on my own.
In the end, though, I agree with you and take the same stance - I carried the baby, and I'm the primary caregiver, so we generally do things my way! Good luck!