Advice on putting foot down to DH

LyndseyLC · March 2012

DH and I have had a rocky relationship especially since LO was born but noticed signs when I became pregnant. To keep a long story short..He basically does what he wants. He is obsessed with riding his motorcycle. He has planned 2 motorcycle trips this summer and no family trips. Money is a huge argument because I only work like 2 days a month since I am in school. will be done in May. So he complained of $700 Target bill we had but that was from Christmas stuff. About a month ago he tells me not to spend any money the day after he goes and buys $150 of clothes from Kohls online. He just bought another motorcycle jacket a mount thing for his video camera for motorcycle and a camera tripod. He also bought a few other random smaller things and just joined LA Fitness which was $200 enrollment fee and $50 for the two of us per month. Payed first and last month. It almost seems like he is becoming more controlling. He has never really been supportive or understanding in regards to baby (I do all the work). and my school stuff. My mom, a few of my girl friends from school and a few of my family members all say I need to put him in his place and put my foot down with him. To me whenever there is a big purchase like a new motorcycle jacket we should discuss it. I would love a jogging stroller, some new clothes, new camera ect.

we have sex a few times a month but he complains that we dont do it enough but yet he doesnt try. he never comes to bed with me he says mean things that hurt my feelings so why would i want to have sex.

any advice??o and whenever I tell him he spend so much time with his friends or whatever he says " the guys at work have bowling every night"...so somehow just because a few older guys he works with are in a bowling league that makes it ok for DH to go out often..

pettycrocker · March 2012

I'm sure a lot of ladies will come up with some great advice. From what I'm reading it doesn't seem like he has a lot of respect for you, and it seems like it is really taking a toll on you. You could try counseling, but I would throw all his sh.t outside and tell him to enjoy sleeping in his car until he learns how to act.

Again, wait for the better replies. This is just what *I* would do.

IlliniQT · March 2012

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Have you tried telling DH how you feel? I have found, personally, that if I am "naggy" I don't get much of a response. But if I really sit him down and tell him I'm feeling a certain way, he's very receptive.

Having a baby can cause a lot of stress in relationships, but I think if you're both willing to put in the work, you can get through it. GL!

LyndseyLC · March 2012

also forgot to mention too that he recently said he doesnt want another kid for like 5 years when we can be in a different house, but he has not showed he is starting to save. I will be working more once done with school in Mat but have student loans to pay off. Originally we talked about having kids close together. but now he is deciding different. With the purchases he makes and things he does he doesnt consult me about anything.

He blames every fight on me that I always start fights. even when I am just telling him how I feel. In the past a few arguments he has made comments saying that we will probably get divorced and he has thought about surprising me with divorce papers and he is going to divorce me once LO is 18 ect.. so its really hard for me to forget those hurtful comments... he has apologized for saying those things but still.. he needs to show me different

Mason&Mama · March 2012

LyndseyLC:
also forgot to mention too that he recently said he doesnt want another kid for like 5 years when we can be in a different house, but he has not showed he is starting to save. I will be working more once done with school in Mat but have student loans to pay off. Originally we talked about having kids close together. but now he is deciding different. With the purchases he makes and things he does he doesnt consult me about anything.
He blames every fight on me that I always start fights. even when I am just telling him how I feel. In the past a few arguments he has made comments saying that we will probably get divorced and he has thought about surprising me with divorce papers and he is going to divorce me once LO is 18 ect.. so its really hard for me to forget those hurtful comments... he has apologized for saying those things but still.. he needs to show me different

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I wish that I had specific advice, but I am more of a support person than an advice person. This sounds like a crappy situation, and it sounds like he has no respect for you. However, only you know the entire situation,and I am sure it is hard to convey the entire situation in writing. I think that a lot if people reading this might think that you should leave him. He sounds controlling, disrespectful, useless (to be honest), but only you know the real deal, and you need to go with your instincts. I think that I am the only single mother that posts here regularly, and it is not easy. However, I would rather be single than deal with some of the things that you described. But again, we only know a small iece of your life. Go with your instincts (which is not the same as your heart, usually.)

AmandaP678 · March 2012

I'll comment when I have both hands. He sounds a lot like my dad

aliska · March 2012

I am SO sorry you are going through this. He sounds very controlling. If he won't go to counseling with you, you should go by yourself. You should be able to get a few sessions for free on campus. I've also heard really good things about the book "The Gift of Fear". Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist, frequently recommends it. ((Hugs))

tawillers · March 2012

Mrs Castillo:

I'm sure a lot of ladies will come up with some great advice. From what I'm reading it doesn't seem like he has a lot of respect for you, and it seems like it is really taking a toll on you. You could try counseling, but I would throw all his sh.t outside and tell him to enjoy sleeping in his car until he learns how to act.

Again, wait for the better replies. This is just what *I* would do.

I'm thinking more along these lines.

Complete disregard for your feelings, not treating you as an equal partner when it comes to finances (or anything else), not helping with his child, planning trips away from you, threats of divorce papers in 18 years...what is making you stay?

You have much bigger problems than figuring out how to put your foot down.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you really need to open your eyes. What advice would you give your sister, a friend, or your own child if their partner treated them the same way your DH treats you?

LnR70707 · March 2012

I'd start saving whatever money I make somewhere he can't touch it if I where you and I'd talk to a lawyer. Surprising you with divorce papers shouldn't be made as an idle threat. Find out what you need to do to make sure you and your LO are okay in case he does just that.

germanpickle · March 2012

L&R70707:
I'd start saving whatever money I make somewhere he can't touch it if I where you and I'd talk to a lawyer. Surprising you with divorce papers shouldn't be made as an idle threat. Find out what you need to do to make sure you and your LO are okay in case he does just that.

so many that I'd like to second:

1. get yourself conseling from the university

2. take the threat of divorce seriously

3. read the book "the gift of fear"

4. it sounds like you have separate finances - start saving in YOUR NAME ONLY

5. write a letter with your feelings. burn it. write it again and again until you are ready to give it to him.

6. please keep in mind that your little one is learning how to love and treat people through your relationship. what do you want your child to learn? live that.

Please take care of yourself.

LyndseyLC · March 2012

we have joint accounts.

I talked to him a little bit about how my feelings are still hurt when he said those mean things and he apologized and said those were fight words or whatever but still. I honestly cant remember what we argue about. We have not fought recently. I think we usually argue about money or chores around the house. Because I do everything and I think he thinks that just because he works and brings in money that he doesnt need to do much around the house. He just started being a douche when I was pregnant. I never realized how selfish and he needs so much attention until LO was born.

I mentioned to him a few times recently that I would like to do counseling. I dont want to give up that quickly for the sake of our child. Sometimes I think if I knew I could have full custody LO and our dog I would want to leave him.

I get where he feels left out since LO was born. I am always with her and I used to get jealous or bothered if he hung out with his friends but now I dont care much and trust him more. I mean I wish he would spend more time as family but what I mean is when he does go out I am not so worried anymore. When he is home he is always on his computer. He goes on to like 2 or 3 different motorcycle forums similar to like the bump.

I think it will get better once I am not stressed out with school stuff and working and bringing in more money. Going to try to communicate more and ask him to do things because I do not nag. I learned not to do that because it wont get you anywhere.

I am also going to schedule a counseling session. Will try to keep you posted Thank You all for your advice. Going to start with counseling.

damabo80 · March 2012

LyndseyLC:
I think it will get better once I am not stressed out with school stuff and working and bringing in more money. Going to try to communicate more and ask him to do things because I do not nag. I learned not to do that because it wont get you anywhere.
I am also going to schedule a counseling session. Will try to keep you posted Thank You all for your advice. Going to start with counseling.

Here's the thing: it won't get better. Instead, new mundane stuff will come into your life that you can blame his emotionally abusive behavior on.

There are soooo many red flags here. You don't need to "fight everyday" for there to be red flags. I'm really glad you are getting yourself into counseling the next logical step would be to contact a divorce lawyer and find out your rights and how to protect yourself.

Good luck to you.

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