Two questions and two lies. :(

quezzo · March 2012

So I went to get a pedicure today since it is supposed to be 70 here next week and I am ready for toe-showing weather. Well, the little Asian lady asked how far along I was. Strangers did not ask me this question with Alexander until I was 23 weeks! I'm only 18 now and I weigh less than I did with him at this point. I told her five months. I didn't want to get into it and have her wonder why I obviously look like a giant. I have gained two pounds in the last two days.

The second questions stings more and is always the follow-up when some stranger finds out you are pregnant. Is this your first. I hesitated for a second and then said yes. I am a horrible mother. I didn't want to get into the whole my son was stillborn thing with this lady, but I just wish I had said no, I had a son born last year. The thing is, I told several strangers the truth last weekend at this neighborhood party and then they kept asking me more questions. I stink as a mother today.

sbphotos · March 2012

You do not stink as a mother at all!!!!! Don't you dare even think that about yourself. I would've done the exact same thing under the circumstances. For heavens sake, it's difficult to communicate with the Asian nail lady at the best of times, let alone a conversation like that.

HUG.

october_artist · March 2012

First off: you 100% do NOT stink as a mother at all. Say this back to yourself: "I do not stink as a mother, I'm actually really awesome."

Secondly: Being put on the spot, especially in front of strangers can bring out random answers -- don't beat yourself up over them. It is your choice how you answer that question, and it is so difficult to be faced with either getting into the story in front of people that don't need to know if you don't want them to or just kinda blurring the "truth" a little to keep yourself together. Alexander knows you think about him, and he doesn't expect you to tell every single person who asks about your history. You are a great mother and have to take care of yourself emotionally, just keep that in mind. ((hugs))

Ziegeficker · March 2012

It is not your responsibility to discuss your personal pain or past with strangers. I always lie (in any circumstance) when the truth would lead to an awkward exchange about something bad that has happened to me with someone I don't know. People ask these questions in casual conversation, but they don't usually want to know when the answer is less than uplifting. She was probably just making conversation about something that she assumed you were excited to talk about (because people who've never lost don't understand the apprehension and fear we experience alongside our excitement). You are not a terrible mother at all...forgive and love yourself; and know that, at the very least, you were sparing yourself and her awkward silence or cliche comments that would have probably followed you telling the truth.

prestonsmomma · March 2012

I do that sometimes too. If someone asks how many kids, I say this is my 2nd. I don't feel like going in to all of it with a stranger. I think its a rude question.

quezzo · March 2012

Thank you ladies for making me feel a little better about this. I was so caught off guard by the questions in general because people at work who have seen me are playing the "is she fat or pregnant?" game so I didn't expect a stranger to ask at all yet.

It's like one awkward question just leads to more of them. For instance, I have given the answer Preston's mom gives. Then they always ask how old my other child is.

I liked it when I was angry and bitter and didn't care about making other people uncomfortable. It was so much easier to answer honestly and watch them squirm than it is to lie and make myself feel bad.

sweepie412 · March 2012

You DO NOT stink as a mother! I can't imagine having to answer the "is this your first" question if I were in your shoes. I don't blame you one bit for not going into detail with every person you meet. As for the white lie about how far along you are...we've all done that for one reason or another

I am jealous you went for a pedicure, not that I can see my feet...but I image they could use a little tlc!

RedRose84 · March 2012

You do not stink as a mother. That is a very hard question to answer and I'm so sorry you have to go through that. **Hugs**

jkfranklin · March 2012

I agree with all the other ladies, you are not a bad mother. I just wanted to add that she probably asked you how far along you were because she was going to be dealing with your feet. You have to be really careful with pressure points in the feet especially in 1st tri.

MAtoNC · March 2012

Being a wonderful mother means YOU get to choose with whom you share your beautiful boy, Alexander. And the white lie about how far along you are? I did that, too, when I was pregnant with my son. I went back to visit a town I used to live in, and I had gained some weight after my move. I was 12 weeks, and I think I lied and said I was 4 months pregnant.

corndog8 · March 2012

october_artist:
First off: you 100% do NOT stink as a mother at all. Say this back to yourself: "I do not stink as a mother, I'm actually really awesome."
Secondly: Being put on the spot, especially in front of strangers can bring out random answers -- don't beat yourself up over them. It is your choice how you answer that question, and it is so difficult to be faced with either getting into the story in front of people that don't need to know if you don't want them to or just kinda blurring the "truth" a little to keep yourself together. Alexander knows you think about him, and he doesn't expect you to tell every single person who asks about your history. You are a great mother and have to take care of yourself emotionally, just keep that in mind. ((hugs))

I agree - and you do not stink as mother!!

charmedgrl517 · March 2012

((big hugs)) you don't stink as a mother. Your an awesome mommy and you love Alexander and this baby so much that's all that matters its totally understandable not to want to get into detail with a stranger and you don't have to explain it to everyone so that doesn't make you a bad mother at all! So quit thinking that!

swtbelle · March 2012

You didn't do anything wrong. I have struggled with this too. I am only 16 weeks and I look much further along. I also have a problem deciding when to tell how many children I have. I guess it just all depends on the mood your in at the time or if you've already been burned by it maybe it is best just to lie. You are not a bad mother and your baby is not mad at you for not discussing him with a total stranger although I understand why you would feel that way. Who else is better at beating us up than ourselves?? I'd say PGAL's are experts at it Hang in there Momma

anao2020 · March 2012

I agree with PP wholeheartedly, you are still a good, loving mother. I meet new people all the time at work (I work in a hospital) and they always ask me about how many kids I have and I know what I think the answer is but sometimes, I tell them otherwise. Not everyone who passes by needs to know about the painful details of this journey, those wounds are still deep.

And I still feel a twinge of guilt about not acknowledging my children to these strangers, but I also believe that they can see me and they know how I feel. They know they are deeply loved and missed, and support me in making decisions that help me get through my day, and they forgive me.

Your son knows he is and will always be in your heart, and he also knows that sometimes you need to not immerse yourself in the whole story with some people.

DenaRenee78 · March 2012

I am pregnant with twins and already HUGE! I hate answering how far along I am! Doesn't help to try to explain I am carrying two!

I also hate when people ask me if it is my first... or how many kids do I have. I lost a daughter when she was three months old. They said it was SIDS. Then I had two second trimester losses .. 24 weeks and 20 weeks. I have an incompetent cervix =( I have four kids at home now .. and then I am expecting twins. I just don't personally feel someone casual like that asking me is any of their business. Even more so if I am trying to get a pedicure and relax and not think about anything upsetting!!! Your not a bad mom .. we all have those days where we just don't want to get into the long explaination and then a thousand questions after!

TnG05 · March 2012

You do not stink as a mother today or yesterday. I answer the is this your first question based on how I feel that day. If I want to go into follow-up questions I'm open about it; if I don't then I say yes. Your answer to strangers has nothing to do with your love for your son.

Regarding the other question...do not let your size now make you feel bad or ashamed of how it was in other pregnancies. This is my first pregnancy making it this far so I could be wrong in what I'm going to say but I've always heard you show sooner in subsequent pregnancies.

quezzo · March 2012

liz581:
scerulla:
It is not your responsibility to discuss your personal pain or past with strangers. I always lie (in any circumstance) when the truth would lead to an awkward exchange about something bad that has happened to me with someone I don't know.
This. You are not obligated to talk about serious personal history with strangers, and if a white lie helps you avoid that, then there is nothing wrong with that. It's not like you aren't acknowledging him with people you know or who understand. Amusing side story: my half sister is 25 years older than I am, 20 years older than my brother. She and my brother live right next door to each other on the west coast (so they can look out for my Dad and cause we are a quirky family that way). Anyway, she gets her nails done every week by the same lady, and when she first started getting her nails done was asked if she had any kids. My sister, unable to face the prospect of being a failure in the eyes of the Asian nail lady (never mind that she's a successful dr in private practice) lied and said she had two kids (basically my brother and I). She confessed this to me and my sister-in-law because we sometimes go to get our nails done with her. It's great--plus, the nail lady is super pleased that my sister's two kids both married Asians. It's cute--yeah, it's a white lie, but my sister was a big part of raising us, so we are happy to play along.

This is cute.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it.

aflowers · March 2012

You do not stink as a mother! I've done it too. There are some people I am comfortable telling and some people I just don't feel like getting into it with them. It is still hard to talk about.

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