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3rd Trimester
sstrom22
member
How to nicely put...we want our space!
sstrom22
member
So the ILs live over 3 hours away. My parents live 30 minutes away. This is the first grandbaby for both so it's a big deal, which I can appreciate, but I'm feeling really clausterphobic just thinking about the expectations of our parents when LO arrives.
While I'm more than comfortable telling my parents to get out of our way when we need it, I want to tactfully put together an email of our "plan" to both sets of grandparents (so it doesn't look like it's a specific target on my MIL & FIL) to let them know that we really want our space? i.e. no one staying at our house (please find a hotel?) and that we won't be calling until a few hours after LO arrives.
Anyone else in this boat? My ILs are nice people, but the thought of them just hanging out in my house while I'm trying to figure out the whole motherhood thing makes me want to start crying - and the postpardum hormones/sleep deprivation aren't even here yet!
My thought is, by crafting an email to send out as a "here's our plans/wishes" it will be all up front and there won't be suprises.
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Re: How to nicely put...we want our space!
I'm in a similar situation, but it is my parents that live far away. I'm also worried about their expectations. My ILs already said, "you tell us exactly what you want, and we'll do it." It makes it very nice and easy for us.
I told my parents that we did not want anyone staying at our house and that they needed to get a hotel. It was received well. We also told both sets of parents that we won't be calling until I am admitted into the hospital and confirmed in labor. I'm getting ready to have the conversation with my parents about us not wanting any visitors until a couple days home from the hospital and I'm dreading it because they live 14+ hours away.
I think though that if you or your husband talk with his parents instead of sending an email that it will go over much better with them. That way you can actually communicate your wishes and desires. Plus, emails can come off as cold, and it is easy to read the wrong tone through an email.
Are they the kind of people that stop by without announcing and expect to spend the night?
It seems to me that if they call first you can just tell them what the plan is then... an email list might seem kinda pushy. I'm sure they will understand that you don't want overnight guests when you're figuring things out.
What have they said, or how are they normally that makes you think it will be a big problem?
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
I'd be really careful how you word it cause it could easily come off b!tchy when it's not intended to. Can't a person-to-person conversation handle this or a phone call rather than an email?
I'm a FTM too, but I guess I don't get the drama here. I don't know why people would expect to stay at someone's house when it hasn't been talked about. Or that they can just come over for hours at a time without calling, when it isn't their current habit to do so. And how will people even know I'm in labor unless I tell them? I just plan on not calling people til I've given birth and then letting them know that they can come visit (either based upon how I'm feeling or hospital rules or time of day/night). "Guess what MIL & FIL, he's here! We'd love to have you come up if you can visit. They should have him back in the room in about an hour. Or we're about to take a nap, but should be available in a couple of hours."
If you really feel the need to say something ahead of time, have your DH handle his parents. That way, you're sure he's on board and that if anyone is to blame, it's him.
i always worry how well people *hear* our wishes and it goes in one ear and out the other & they do what they think is best anyways. Esp when emotions are all over the place. No matter how much planning we do, people still amaze me. And how the fundemental skill of listening goes out the door!
in an email it makes it a lot more permanent.
i'm worried that i'll want the opposite & WANT them there for the 1st 2 weeks and then give space.
i have no idea what i'm doing, so i'm going to leave it up in the air, just in case the mind changes 1000 times in 2 days.
careful what you wish for! i know i can't predict the future. but i don't want them making a bunch of plans & then in a desperate moment them being tied up. Eeeek! who knows! hehe.
good luck!
I'm sure it differs based on who the in-laws are and how they take things, but this is why I wouldn't send something in writing to mine in particular. They live 10+ hours away, and it makes it seem like less of a big fuss if DH just reminds them whenever they start making plans that they aren't to show up on our doorstep until we give them the go-ahead. There is no way mine will be okay with staying anywhere outside my house, so god only knows when I'll actually be okay with having them visit.
Fo sho.
Just some insight from the other side of the fence...
Dont sweat this stuff. It's not worth your worry, and chances are, your plans will go right out the window anyway.
1. Bonding time... You'll have plenty of time to bond with baby, especially during those 3am feedings. At least for me, I was so exhausted that I couldn't have cared less who ran into my room after we were cleaned up. Honestly, I just wanted a cheeseburger and a shower. I couldn't have used that time for productive bonding anyway, I was too flustered and concerned with my and the baby's health. (she was perfect, im just a worrier) The nurses took baby to the nursery for her exam 30 minutes after we were cleaned up anyway... So the visitors had about 15 minutes and then they left too. The hubs, baby, and I are a happily bonded family and we didn't have that time to ourselves.
2. When you're in labor, you'll most likely not care at all who's camping in the waiting room. (I was in labor 42 hours. Most of our families camped in the waiting room for about 36 of them...) it's their prerogative. Most logical people know that birthing a baby isn't an exact science and could take more than an hour or two from start to finish. That said, do not be afraid to put a "no visitors" or a "please check at nurses station before entering" sign on the door. If theres a time to be selfish, its while you're laboring. Don't worry about entertaining the "waiters", just like you shouldn't worry that they're out there.
3. You just might be surprised how much you'll want to see people while you're recovering in the hospital, and when you get home. If you're like me, you'll be pretty much a shut-in for a week or two. It's nice to see some friendly faces.
This is just my opinion, but I wouldn't commit to opening my home to anyone overnight no matter what. I'm two weeks out, and still couldn't say I'm ready, or anywhere near ready, for anyone to stay over. You'll need to take time to evaluate yourself... And I'd think that putting a limit on yourself (ie, "I have company coming two weeks after I get home. I must be ready!") would make the anxiousness that much worse.
To advise you, I'd say this: don't send that email. Have your hubs handle his family, you handle yours. (it will go over better on both ends) if I had it to do over again, I'd not worry one bit about it beforehand. It caused me a lot of worry and stress, and 95% of my plans went out the window.
Go with the flow, and be flexible.
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Thanks ladies! Good advice!