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krissyanne
member
Visitation (not court-ordered)
krissyanne
member
Hey everyone, I posted here a really long time ago (over a year). I'm sorry this is a little long - I have a "moral" question I guess. BD and I do not have any court ordered child support or visitations. He was manipulative and abusive in the past before my daughter, but I immediately got out of the situation. It has been 2 years now since that time.
When she was born he gave DD child support for 6 months, and visited every month. Then he decided to move 2000 miles away, telling me every couple of weeks that there was "a check in the mail" or that he would "be taking a plane to visit very soon". Neither of those statements were true. The child support stopped at 6 months and so did the visitations. She is now 16 months. He abruptly moved back here because "things didn't work out".
He started to pay child support for the past 2 months and is demanding to see DD because he starting paying child support again. I told him he could see her when he proved he is responsible and reliable, and now he is sending me letters saying things like "you are not allowing me to see my daughter and it has been half of a year since I've seen her, I deserve to see her" making me seem like the bad person even though he was the one who took off and didn't visit for 7 months. He only wants to see her when it is convenient for him in his life. He has not paid back any money for the 7 months he stopped supporting her in any way.
Here is my moral question: since he is back, should I start visitations again? Unfortunately I do not want the court involved because of time and money (I felt like everything was under control in the beginning). Again, I'm not asking what the court would say or anything, morally since he is her father, should I start visitations again even though he hasn't been supporting her at all? I have never denied visitations in the past but I am just afraid he will spend time with her and then take off again and as she is getting older I am terrified of her noticing his sporadic appearances in her life.
I work full time and spend every other moment I have with DD and it has been a long and hard 16 months. I also take her to 2 physical therapy appointments a week (she is behind, not walking or standing). I just work so hard at making everything work by myself and I know that you ladies understand this, unfortunately no one I know can really relate. Thank you for reading!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Visitation (not court-ordered)
i know you didn't ask, but legally, you need to file for child support ASAP! just because he's paying "child support" does not mean that he automatically gets visitation. but onto your question:
morally, if he wants to be involved with his child then I think you should gradually allow visitation SUPERVISED and on YOUR terms! If he doesn't like it, then he can file for visitation through the proper channels. I know you don't want to go to court because it is a costly, stressful, and cold process. BUT there are pro bono lawyers, legal aid, payment plans, there are things to help with the financial costs. As parents, we need to do what's necessary for our children. I understand about being afraid that he'll make a connection to her and then just take off, but to play devil's advocate...what if he doesn't?
I understand about working full time and spending every moment with your DD (i'm the same way). BUT there may eventually become a time when you have to share her. She does belong to him as well (i'm still working on accepting this part, personally).
It is time to go to court. Get a lawyer. Get everything in writing.
He is still manipulating you. He is withholding money, coming and going at will and trying to make you seem like the bad guy. Put a stop to it by forcing him to live up to his responsibilities and live by a court order. Take control of your life and your child's life by asserting your right to consistent child support and visitation.
Get an appointment with a family law attorney and follow their advice. Start documenting every communication. Fortify your position just like he is doing with those ridiculous letters.
CS =/= visitation
Since you have no court order for visitation you do not have to allow him near your child whether he is paying CS or not.
Stop trying to be "moral" "ethical" it all equals NICE and everyone knows how I feel about being NICE.
Getting CS through the court where you can actually say he's behind in payment s doesn't cost you anything. And still there is no visitation until HE files for it.
Don't be afraid of court b/c it's there to protect you and your child from this.
The court will make him be responisible for part of the medical bills, for support payments. If he's not employed it will accrue w/ a state watch so if he gets a job he can be wage attached and the money goes DIRECTLY to you for the support of your child. The court will make any all state issued money (unemployment compensation, tax refunds both fed and state, lottery winnings) go to the support of your child.
I agree with everyone's responses. You're in a tough situation, one that I'll be in shortly myself. HOWEVER, I've come to realize through every one else's experiences and even through my own limited experience that NICE and ethical do not equal a cordial arrangement with the baby's father. Go to court ASAP. Get consistent child support. You're causing yourself trouble by not allowing a court to protect you and your child and therefore you're dealing with bd's irresponsibility. The one suffering the most in the long run is going to be your daughter. I've been to college for two degrees so far (one recently in the past two years) and I have fresh in my mind what it costs to pay for it. Right now it may not be on the top of your list but it will be in the future. You might not see it now but you need the bd to do his part financially. As for visitation... what everyone else says also goes: child support does not equate visitation. Stop allowing him to manipulate you please! Best of luck.
Sweetie is wise. Since you are new here, I'll tell you her famous advice (and great advice at that) - "Nice gets you screwed, everytime."
Truer words have never been spoken.
Thank you so much for all of your responses, they helped me tremendously. As much as I wanted to stay away from court it sounds like it is the best option- especially since you are all talking from experience. One thing I was worried about with going to court was the paternity test- he hasn't had one and I know it is a requirement to file for child support or visitation. I asked him for his address for this reason months ago, and he got super defensive and responded with "you are going to use it against me, and I'm not going to tell you where I am living"... so there's that.
He always plays the victim in his emails ("I've given you everything I have, I haven't seen my child in months, etc...) even when it's not true, it makes me feel absolutely terrible and anxiety-ridden even though I should be used to those emails by now, I can't figure out why he is the only one that can make me so upset. That's another reason I don't want to go to court, I'm just terrified of coming face-to-face with the whole situation and the way he is/dealing with his lies with other people involved. Honestly I don't even talk about him with my friends or family unless I HAVE to because it makes me so upset.
Thank you all for your help!