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Blended Families
Fight
For the past few weeks since I laid into SS, I have kept myself removed and let DH handle things. I talk to DH privately and tell him my opinion respectfully but I do not involve myself in much when it comes to SS.
DH has been telling SS that if he wants to pull an all nighter or stay up late and only get a few hours of sleep - fine. But he is to be up at 7AM and ready to work at 8AM. Just like a real job. Even if we don't have anything scheduled because DH has plenty of other things to do as well. This past week DH has tested SS.
What SS has been doing is staying up all night, playing games or watching tv and then going to bed right before our alarm goes off at 6AM. He then goes to bed and pretends like he slept. Only we know better. DH even put up the game remotes in our room and he still sits up all night watching tv. And then SS denies that he does this. It's nuts.
So DH has just been letting him be in the mornings and stopped "waking" SS up at 7:30-&:45. SS will sleep in until 8 or even as late as 9 before DH has to wake him up to work. DH then works him for most of the day and SS is usually sleeping/napping by the time I get home and am making dinner. SS for some reason thinks if we don't have a customer scheduled, he doesn't have to get up. Wrong. DH has told him that if his wife gets and goes to work every day, they are going to get up and work. There is no laying around and being lazy. He's trying to teach him how to be a responsible adult and get up and be on time for a job. All nighters and late nights are okay, but not every night.
SS also had to watch DD for an hour. DH comes back from his errand, only to find SS sleeping and 2 year old DD wandering around the house by herself. DH was FURIOUS. Needless to say, we are not leaving DD alone with SS ever. Not even for 15 minutes. Or five in my opnion.
They got into a huge fight tonite and last night over the same thing. DH was telling him he needs to straighten up and get his act together and SS insists he's doing nothing wrong and can't understand why DH is treating him like a kid.
SS threatened to leave. DH told him "fine, go." He sat out on the porch for about a half hour but came in. SS and DH are still arguing but much quieter. I have been keeping DD upstairs and away from it.
SS tried to tell DH he was being a man and owning up to his responsibilities and did his time in jail but DH pointed out to him, "No. You didn't own up to it. You RAN. You were arrested for violation of probation for not paying your fines. And you ran from the cops. That's not owning up."
SS keeps trying to say he is a man, but he's not acting like one. He still acts like a teenager. DH is beside himself. I don't know that this is going to work much longer. I am choosing to stay out of it. It's been so much less stress for me and it's exactly what I expected to happen anyway, so I'm letting it just take it's course. I give it one more month.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Fight
I feel so very sorry for your SS. I can totally identlfy with him. His head is absolutely manic. He needs inhouse treatment for drug adiction. He needs the help of professionals to teach him how to regulate his body and quiet his mind.
After 15 / 20 years of partying and staying up all night not to mention frying his briain with drugs, then throw in the guilt, shame, self loathing...
O but wait, you guys would like him to just go to bed and sleep. Just like that.
If he was a 'man' he would - where do you get your ideas from???
When I started dating DH I was not a sleeper at all. I would stay up until 2am watching TV and then get back up at 7am and run. I functioned on very little sleep.
We have a saying at AA / NA meetings that 'normal' people go to bed to sleep but addicts go to bed to think. As soon as your head hits that pillow your mind kicks in and its like a bloody Tarantino movie being played out.
I totally understand why your SS sits up all night staring at TV. Not because he enjoys it. But he doesn't have a clue how to 'switch off' his mind and sleep.
I truly hope your SS gets the help he needs. You and your DH are not helping him at all.
SS had a choice to go to rehab (not sure if it was inpatient or out) and chose not to. It's not jk's and her H's fault that he made that choice. Only a court can force him to go.
If my grown children came to live with me and told me what a "man" or "woman" they were, I would laugh in their face. Grown-ups pay their own way! SS is free to go out on his own, find housing, find a job (which would also require him to be up early, and not enable him to nap when he gets tired).
If SS does not want treatment that is his choice, but allowing him to come to jk's house, stay up all night if he wants, not have any job or responsibilities = enabling. It is not too much to ask anyone who is living at your home to help with chores (including babysitting).
SS manages to take naps, so not being ABLE to sleep or being able to function on very little sleep does not seem to be his problem.
JK - - I'm glad you are stepping back and allowing your DH to manage his son. It seems once he is in charge, his eyes are opening. It's a shame your SS doesn't go to rehab.
Well Phantom - what do you suggest? Because we did offer treatment. He refused and said he does not have a drug problem. I told him fine, but if I catch wind of any drug use or even suspect it - he's out. I am VERY certain he is not using drugs. I would know and I would not hesitate to kick him out. DH would be completely behind me too.
So what now? Do I kindly offer it to him again? I can if you think that's a good idea, but I will bet a million he says no.
Do I give him an ultimatum that he goes or he's kicked out?
Or do DH and I get a court order and have him put in against his will? Because the state does allow for that, but I better have proof he's doing drugs - which I don't because I'm pretty certain he's not.
You tell me exactly what I should do. Because I'll be honest - no matter what we do or don't do - I see failure. And maybe that's wrong or cold hearted of me, but I've already admitted that I am not an individual who can tolerate or have any sympathy for drug addicts - and I'm not apologizing for it anymore.
By the way...DH just walked in here and told me that he remembers what started the fight (Because I asked him what started it) DH said that it was because he took the playstation remote from SS because he wanted to play the game. DH said no, you've played enough, it's going up.
What do I make of this? His addiction now is the playstation. I told DH kindly that SS is really messed up right now and needs professional help, and that I think he should offer to help SS get it, but I know how that goes over in this household and if SS doesn't want it, maybe he should consider telling SS to move on. DH was open to it and didn't get upset with me.
I don't know what else I can do, but I know from my AA meetings, I can't help those who don't want to be helped. I know I am enabling both DH and SS right now, but if the arguing continues and no improvement happens whether it be thru professional help or by his own making - SS will move on. Either on his own, or at our request.
He should not have been given an option to go to treatment. It should have been go to rehab and then our house or don't come at all.
You can't take an addict into your house and then exepct them to behave like they are not an addict.
You can't moan and complain about typical addict behaviour when you chose to let an addict live with you.
Rehab should have been compulsory. If SS had nowhere to go but rehab he might have gone.
If J&K and her DH did not want to be dealing with an untreated addict then they should not have taken an addict into their home untreated ESPECIALLY around a baby.
J&K im glad that you are pulling back and I hope to god that you are still going to Alanon or getting counselling for yourself.
Sue - if one of your kids came to you with a serious drug addiction I would like to think you would do everythingin your power to get them professional help. Not burry your head in the sand and pretend it is not happening like J&K DH is.
I have been following j+k's posts for a while. I have to be honest, but I would not know how to handle what they're going through. It's easy to critique everything that a parent/step parent does but "LIFE" isn't just cut and dry, especially when you have no experience/expertise with things like drugs. I mean I know I wouldn't know where to begin or end. Good Luck - J+K
I've been wondering how things are going. thanks for the update.
sorry to hear it is working out so badly. I'm honestly surprised you left DD with him in the first place tbh. fortunately DD is okay and you and DH learned not to leavehim with DD
i don't have any other advice, just wanted to let you know that I had been thinking about you all...
J+K, could you and your dh agree to make it mandatory that he has to see a therapist each week to be able to live at your house?
I agree with you that it sounds like the videogames are his addiction now... and I agree with Phantomgirl that he is using video games or tv to fill a void/ quiet the bad feelings in his mind. He used to use drugs to do this, now since he can't use drugs he uses video games or TV. I have experience with being in a really bad place and self-medicating for my depression, and when you are in a really bad place you will do anything to try to make the pain decrease- and most of the things you do are self-destructive.
I think a therapist might be able to really help him, if in-patient treatment is out of the question. Would that fly with your dh? It's a kind of compromise.
I have been in the situation, well minus the time in prison, and other charges hanging over the "kid's" head...more similar to j+k's SD.
Seriously J, what you guys can do is either tell him to get help or he cannot live there. You had a long list of things that need to happen or he cannot stay/you would move out but it does not sound like he is holding up his side of the bargain. I know how much this situation sucks and that it is hard to see Phantom's comments because I know when we were in the worst of it with SD I could not see it all, but you guys are once again trying to "help" by enabling him. I do think that some of your expectations are probably too high, like Phantom pointed out, but there is no true line in the sand and you guys constantly change it to allow him to get his way.
As always, I hope this has a happy ending but I think it postponing the inevitable.
Thank you everyone for the input.
No, he is not doing drugs. I am certain. His drug is the playstation now. After thinking about Phantom's comments, I think he's using it and tv and work that DH has him doing to keep his mind busy to the point of exhaustion. He is then at a point where he is so tired, he falls asleep and doesn't have to "think" or deal with his issues.
DH and I discussed this and we are giving him an ulitimatum - tonite or tomorrow, depending on some things going on around here.
He has to go get an evaluation with a counselor and he has to give us rites to review and discuss as a family with his evaluator as far as what is recommended for SS. I say this because SS lies and I do not trust him to tell us the truth or share the information accurately. More than likely, he will be told to participate in a 90 day out-patient or in-patient program for people with addictive behaviors. We will also participate in anything that is recommended for us as individuals and family to assist him and help him in his recovery.
If he refuses, we are giving him two weeks to find somewhere else to live and he will be forced to leave. If at anytime he is disrespectful or a danger to us (we don't think he will be), he will be forced to leave sooner and end up in jail because he has a warrant and I would not hesitate to call the cops to have him removed. I don't think this will be an issue.
If he agrees to all of this and completes the program to the satisfaction of the experts - he can come back here and continue to get on with his life for a set and reasonable period of time. The goal would be that he finds a job, gets his own place, pays his bills etc. After that, he is on his own.
It's either go, or figure it out the hard way on your own out in the real world. And I think we all know how that will turn out.