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Blended Families
Did I overstep?
A few weeks ago it was DS's birthday and I had a party for him and my fiance's son was there as well as his SIL and her kids. We had the party with DS's friends and then fiance's family came back to our place and we all had dinner. The kids were playing and at one point the SIL's youngest (he's 3 going on 4) tells my son who is 5 that he can't play with them or with the toys. I was sitting right there with the kids and SIL and fiance were in the other room. So I told him that this was DS's home and his birthday and his toys and he absolutely can play with all of them. I felt like it was no big deal, I would have said a variation of the same thing in the same tone to DS if he had told any other kid he/she couldn't play with them.
Fast forward to last night and SIL was over at our house with her kids. Her husband was calling (we'll just say he's "away" and has never met me so he keeps telling my fiance that he's skeptical of me), he had told his wife he wanted to talk to his brother. Well he gets on the phone and tells my fiance that he heard I was yelling at his kid and wanted to know what was going on. The SIL never said a word to me about this, I just feel completely blindsided. I only found this out after she had already left and I won't see her till Tuesday and I plan on talking to her about it but I'm just wondering, was I out of line in what I said to her son or how I handled the situation? I just can't believe that she was offended. I didn't yell or discipline her child, I just took a firm tone and corrected him with something I felt was out of line. I just don't know what to think now. Or if I'm overreacting.
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Re: Did I overstep?
Your house, your rules.
It wasn't an issue of sharing. My son was being told that he wasn't welcome to play with everyone, it wasn't about toys. And there was no reason to include my son in being told anything because my son didn't do anything, he was just trying to play. It's not like I went out of my way, I was sitting on the floor between both of them because I had been playing with them. I didn't come from outside of the interaction to say something. And like I said, I would have said the same thing the same way to my son if he did that to another kid. I agree there are certain times that kids need to work out disagreements on their own but I didn't think that this was one of those instances.
And as for the tone that is just how I talk to my son when I'm telling him something that I feel he needs to pay attention to so it's just how I said it to this kid. I'm just assuming that it came across firm to her because I can't think of any other reason she would be saying anything about it to her husband.
I don't think you overstepped but I personally would have had no problem sayign the same thing to the child that you did. some people don't agree with that/ have issues with my parenting style etc etc
talk it out with SIL, don't be defensive just ask her if she was upset about you interacting with the kids.
the child might have said something as well, you never know. or the DH was looking for trouble.
I wouldn't apologize though because I honestly don't think you did anything wrong.
Thanks ladies! I was just really thrown off last night because I've never had any indication from her that she had a problem with me so when her husband called last night and said that, I was really thrown off. My fiance talked to her today and she told him it was no biggie she just mentioned it in passing to her husband who is in jail and I guess he is just sitting there with nothing to do and blowing things out of proportion. I will talk to her myself the next time I see her and apologize if I did something to offend her and I'll just tell her that I hope she can feel comfortable coming to me if she disagrees with me or has any issues.
Another reason why I'm concerned and just want to feel like her and I are on the same page is because we just moved and I took my son out of daycare and she is now watching him while I'm at work. So I definitely don't want there to be any hidden animosity since she has my child during the day.
Eek. I was fine with there being some family drama as long as you and FI didn't have to be too entangled with SIL and her family.
SIL watching your child who is shunned by her kids sounds like a bad mix for your DS.
I'm definitely keeping a close eye on the situation but I'm not too concerned. This was just this kid doing it. The other kids love my son and in all honesty prefer him being around over this kid. Which is also why I think he tried telling DS he couldn't play with them because he probably has some jealousy. But for right now it is just DS and this boy at home during the day until the older one gets home from school. I think it can be good for both of the boys to have some one on one time with each other since this family is equally as important to ours for my fiance. His brother and him are as close as can be and there is no way around everyone getting along for the rest of our lives.
I personally have never felt comfortable correcting anyone but my own kid or my sister's kids. I wouldn't ever have corrected my FSIL's kids or even my FSD's however that is because I learned early on that my ex's whole family was total drama and super sensitive. I think it just really depends on what type of people you are dealing with and clearly you got your answer so you know for the future how to react.
Opps, I just read your post about daycare. Been there done that. If I were you I would get your son signed up in daycare asap. It is worth the money. Clearly after this incident you can forsee future problems with your SIL. Over that one little thing she ran and told her husband negative things about you. Ohhellno.
I would definitely keep an eye on the babysitting situation. I know of way to many instances where the mom (babysitter) had favored her own kids in an unhealthy way and the other child silently suffered, including my own situation when I was a child.
For that reason, I would not put my child through that. Plus, things tend to go sour when you mix business and family - one day you may disagree with something she did in terms of care for your child and you have a family problem all of a sudden, not just a babysitter vs. parent problem.
I think it would be better, if your DS just had his own babysitter in his own home or at a daycare center or whatever. Your SIL doesn't seem like she is mature enough to address things head on and that's a bit concerning to me when you're not there when she's watching your DS. People who don't address things that bother them directly tend to build up resentment (and possibly take it out on your kid). If she had an issue with you talking to her child about playing, why didn't she say something to you when she was at your house? Why did it have to come from a guy who is in jail and who wasn't even there? Unless, and only YOU know that, you really were being a jerk to her child and really yelled at him...in which instance, you should have apologized for that.
Lastly, why did you feel you had to jump in to defend your 5 yo immediately due to something that a 3 yo was telling him? Under a normal circumstance, a 5 yo should have the socio/emotional bandwith to put a 3 yo in his place when they tell him he can't play. Is your DS too timid? Does he know how to stand up for himself? This is very important, especially if he is being babysat at someone else's home where the other kids are in their element.
Man you sound defensive to me. It is sounding like you do not like a 2yo from how you read this, whether or not that is your intention.
This is wonderful advice.
My fiance talked to her today and she told him it was no biggie she just mentioned it in passing to her husband who is in jail and I guess he is just sitting there with nothing to do and blowing things out of proportion.
Sounds like your soon to be SIL didn't like the way you were handling it. It's so trivial yet she mentions it to her DH who can't really do anything. Your kid is 5 and her kid is 3 so I would have let the kids handle it. I don't think you did anything wrong though. I would have said something like "okay everyone has to share" and left it at that.
I would tread lightly around her, and find another babysitter eventually. Like the saying goes: you don't sh*t where you eat.
I'm not being defensive at all, I'm not sure where you are reading that. The kid is almost 4 and my son had just turned 5, not 2, I wouldn't have handled a 2 year old and a 5 year old in that way. And honestly, this kid and my son's interaction really has nothing to do with it. I'm not concerned at all about how my son and this boy get along. It was one incident. Kids don't get along 100% of the time and arguments and fights happen. What I was concerned about was my relationship with my FSIL and how she may have been offended by something I said to correct a situation. At best this comes down to different parenting styles between myself and her and I am absolutely going to get this cleared with her. This has gone off on a tangent about her son and my son. And I have said multiple times in this thread, it has nothing to do with this other kid, I absolutely, 100% without a doubt would have said the same thing to MY DS if he had acted that way to ANY other child.
That is part of what sounded defensive to me. I also felt that way b/c you seem to be trying to justify it when I think your son could have dealt with it himself unless he came to you for help. But I apologize for thinking he was almost 3 instead of almost 4.
But that said, "100% without a doubt would have said the same thing to MY DS if he had acted that way to ANY other child." Yes I correct other kids sometimes, like my nieces or my BFF's kids, but I would not treat them 100% the same as I would my own. It is not about the fact that you would have said the same thing to your own kid, it's about whether or not it was ok to say it to another person's kid. In this case I still think there was no reason to use a firm tone, you were the one that said you were firm with him. This is starting to sound like aI am flaming you and it was never intended to be because I don't think it was a big enough deal to flame about but I don't think you handled it great b/c I don't think a 3yo making his comments demands another adult being firm with him especially in front of his Mom. Had he been doing something that was about to hurt your kid it would have been different.
I said the same thing to some brat at the Dr's office the other who who told my 1 year old she couldn't play w/ the toys at the waiting area, and I would tell anyone else's kid who said the same thing. I would also correct my own kids the same way.
SIL needs to get over herself.
I'm a teacher, so I have no problem correcting other's kids. I would've done the same thing. Especially in my own house. I think you did fine.
Just an update, but first off I really appreciate everyone's advice and point of view even if you disagreed with me!
Talked to FSIL and it was kind of a misunderstanding that her husband ran off with in a different direction. She was talking to her husband and trying to keep him updated with how their kids were doing and she was explaining how their son had been behaving lately and how he was having trouble playing and sharing with other kids. All he heard was that someone he doesn't know disciplined his son and that got him upset and since all he has is time on his hands, it has been festering in his mind. She thought it was no big deal and assured me that if she had an issue she would have said something if not to me definitely to my fiance.
Thanks again everyone!