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Jmollo28
member
9 year old question
Jmollo28
member
Hi,
I'm a stepmom of a 9 year old girl. Mom is gone, so we have her full time. I have something that really bothers me and I need to know if it is just me, or if my opinion on this is truly a legitimate opinion.
Our 9 year old goes and turns on the tv in the living room whenever she wants without asking. She also gets snacks whenever she wants without asking.
I dont like it and I feel that she is too young to be making decisions on when it is an appropriate time for her to watch tv and eat snacks. (For her choices on both what to watch and what to eat are not always the best).
Other moms out there - Do you think it is ok to let a 9 year old make the decision on when they can watch tv and when they can eat snacks?
Thanks 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 9 year old question
Yes to snacks...don't buy crap. No to tv...set times and limits are appropriate.
My children were able to get snacks for themselves at 9. I think it's old enough to know if she's hungry and if you feel she doesn't choose good snacks there should be available and appropriate snacks for her to choose from. (have a cupboard filled with things that would be ok and if she needs to she can pick from there)
My kids were allowed to turn on the TV and watch it at 9 years old. They knew how to use the tv and could choose shows they wanted to watch. I don't see a problem with it unless she is watching a lot of TV. I was never very far away so I could make sure the choice of show was always appropriate. (but they only wanted to watch cartoons then anyway, so it was a choice a several cartoon netowrks)
I think 9 is well old enough to make those choices within normal limits. (If she decided 10pm is a good time to watch I would obviously stop that)
EDIT I wanted to add that TV time was limited if they tried to watch too much but they were able to choose when to watch within reason.
My SS is 8 and lives with us. He has a normal "snack time" when he gets home from school, he gets a snack. There are only healthy things to choose from, so he makes good choices. On a weekend or day off of school he will wander in and say "I'm hungry". If it is not close to a mealtime I will tell him to find a snack. Again, he finds his own.
He does not turn on the tv by himself unless he asks permission. Luckily he is not a big tv watcher (he would rather play with toys or play outside) but DH and I agree this is something that should be asked first.
You are this little girls mother! Why would a nine year old have to ask if she can watch TV, or have a snack in her own home?
My DS and SD aren't as old as yours, but they ask for snacks/tv time. We don't like it when they open the fridge and stand there in front of it, so we make sure that they ask me/DH if they'd like something. The snacks in my cupboard are mostly healthy, but there are a few treats in there as well. If I'm not going to get them something from the fridge, I'll go and pick them something, or they can choose something healthy (but run it by me before opening). I will always feed them when they're hungry, but I like to know why they're not eating their supper an hour later.
As for tv, we're not big tv watchers to begin with, though I guess the tv is always on at SD's house. I get them to ask first because if they have a huge mess in their rooms, that has to be cleaned before the tv comes on.
Basically, it's my house, my rules. I learned that from my dad. I never thought I'd be so much like him, but I was really paying attention while growing up. Lol
She never said that her SD wasn't allowed to have a snack in her own home. Just that she'd like her to ask permission. It's ok that you don't agree, but relax.
As you can see by the responses, there is no real answer.
The first question you have to answer for yourself, is WHY you want her to ask for permission. Once you get to the why, you can figure out the solutions to her behaviors.
For me personally, 9 is that wonderful age where they want more freedoms, but arent ready to understand why some freedoms are nor permissiable yet...and they will fight you on it JUST BECAUSE.
So why not put reasonable limits to her freedoms.
1) She can get a snack between the times X and Y and she can only choose from her very own snack box (then you get/make a variety of individual, healthy serving size snacks to choose from), . She can feel her independence, but its tempered with reasonalble timing.
2) Same thing with TV. The tv is open to her from A to B in the morning before school and C to D right after school. But ONLY those times.
Here is the thing, you need to sit her down and explain the reasons (at her level) why you are now setting the limits ex Snacks need to be regulated to not interfere with her main meals, and tv AND quiet time needs to be available for everyone, not just her.
AND you tell her that as she ages, her times/snacks will increase.
Finally, you have to provide reasonable punishments if she breaks the new rules. ANd they need to be upfront. Snack without asking - no snacks (if you have to lock the cubboards do it) the next day. TV without asking - no tv the next day. Be consistant and calm and eventually you will create a new habit.
We have cable TV with all the channels at out house. BM does not. SS will often run in by me and flick on TV. Not only does he not ask he often forgets to say 'hi'.
Honestly its just kids these days. We turn it off at meal time and we pick something we can all watch in the evenings etc.
As for snacks, he can eat all the fruit he likes. No need to ask as I woud never say no. Treats he has to ask or be offered.
Why does it bother you? do you find it disrespectful?
My DD is 10, I honestly don't expect her to ask me for a snack. If I see her looking for something and it is close to meal time I remind her of this and tell her not to get anything. She gets to watch TV when she goes to bed, she gets in bed at 8, and I set the timer for 60 minutes and she is usually asleep within 15. But again, I don't feel that she needs to ask for permission to turn the TV on.
We don't let my almost 9y/o SD turn the TV on or get snacks without asking. Yes she is old enough to know when she is hungry, but she doesn't always decide to wait until she's hungry to munch. She will eat because she is bored. And the more TV time she has the more she acts up. So we strictly limit it.
I think this is great advice.
I don't feel that turning on the tv or getting snacks is disrespectful. I just feel that when she makes her own choices, they are mostly wrong choices.. like I don't agree with the shows on tv (such as Shake it up and Suite life on Deck) - I hate these shows. I don't feel that they have any family values and honestly, my SD has gotten in a lot of trouble pulling the stunts on the shows. So, I just feel that she should spend her time doing more functional activities.
As for snacks - we have a serious problem with her eating her dinner. She likes to pick at dinner and pretend she hates everything we make (even if it is something she has had before) and then she wants to snack all day and all night.
I am not upset with SD, but I feel that if she can't make the right choices or if it becomes an issue that we should monitor this and I was just checking to see what other moms were doing out there. I'm new to being a mom (2 years being a stepmom) and about to have my own Son - so I was polling parents
Thank you! I hate these shows too!
It's just kids these days? Absolutely not. My kids in my house follow my (DH ad my) rules. I don't really care what "kids these days" are doing.
I have a 9 year old. He can get snacks when he wants, and he is old enough to know the difference between a snack and a treat.
When we are home he is allowed to watch TV when he wants, although it happens rarely. However to play electronics or go on the computer he has to ask, because time limits are on that. He would rather be outside snowboarding or playing hockey in the winter, and in the summer, it is rare that the TV is on (maybe on a rainy day!).