How do you shake the feeling that you did something wrong?

s-a-r-a-h · March 2012

I started spotting on Sunday and confirmed with my doc on Monday that I am having a MC. I was supposed to be 8 weeks PG this week and I can't shake the feeling that I did something to cause it. I'm super stressed at work right now, I helped moved furniture when DH painted DD's room last weekend, I had caffeine (like two sodas a week), I picked up DD too much, etc. I know these are completely ridiculous thoughts but they keep popping up. If you had similar thoughts, how did you shake them?

sarabagan · March 2012

That is what I spent most of last night thinking about. I went to the exact day the baby stopped growing and carefully thought about everything i may have done wrong. Was it the TUMS..or the finger nail polish remover? was my workout routine too strenuous? Then I snapped out of it and came to the conclusion that if my baby was healthy it wouldnvt have been affected by any of that hogwash.

ashleyl31 · March 2012

For me, it got easier with time. It is also better to talk to others who have been through a m/c, and you will see that nobody did anything wrong.

I am sorry for your loss.

tracydg33 · March 2012

please dont feel like it was something you did dont put that stress on yourself. It's nothing that we did. It does get easier I was mad at myself and hated everyone that was pg. I think it is just part of the greiving process. HUGS

kygirlie113 · March 2012

I am the same way. Even two weeks later, I am running through possible things that I could have done. I know that I did nothing wrong, but I want an answer as to why this happened. I think its only natural to question things.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope things get easier for you.

MrsLele · March 2012

5 weeks later and I am STILL questioning myself. I drink a LOT of coffee. Since my m/c I've switched to half caf, and eventually I'm going to cut it out all together. Sure, it's highly unlikey that it caused my m/c. but I figure, there are SO many factors I can't control. I'm going to control the ones that I can. I guess that's how I "shake" the feeling. By controlling the things I can. Hang in there.

Juicy71 · March 2012

I did the same - the day before the mc I cleaned the litter box - holding my breath while I did it and then worrying that I was doing more damage by holding my breath. Then the day of the mc I helped move some furniture, although I certainly wasn't straining myself. I only let it be a passing thought though as I think if it had been a viable pregnancy those things wouldn't have affected it. If you haven't seen the prayer that I posted yet please try to read that. The line that affects me the most is "I know the miscarriage wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel like I failed somehow."

Take care of yourself.

JenBaby25 · March 2012

I don't know if you ever stop questioning it. I had an early miscarriage in the end of January, and I kicked myself for having 3 glasses of wine the weekend before I got my BFP ( I was SURE I wasn't pregnant)...So the next month I didn't dare have a sip of alcohol after ovulation, and I was pregnant again, but lo and behold, I had a chemical last week. And since I can't blame it on a few glasses of wine in the 2ww, I now question that I shouldn't have done yoga or jogged during the 2ww. So this month, I am debating all the things I am cutting out. Maybe even before ovulation.

The only thing that keeps me from totally blaming myself is that I know so many people who got and stayed pregnant with such ease. They never cut out caffeine or exercise. They never did acupuncture or chinese herbs. They never looked at the toilet paper every single time they went to the bathroom to check for spotting. They never went to the bathroom even though they didn't need to, just to "check." And they got sticky babies. So the only thing I can surmise is that I got to be a part of that lovely 20% of pregnancies that are just not going to stay, no matter what I did or didn't do.

But then even after I try to rationalize that point in my head, I don't take my own advice, because I'm probably not going to have a glass of wine or exercise in the 2ww anymore. So I'm basically no help to anyone.

MWoodside · March 2012

I remind myself that I am a super healthy person. I remind myself my dr assured me I did nothing wrong.

There are people out there who are pg drug addicts that have full-term babies. There are people who break all the pg "rules" and have healthy babies. There are people out there who defy the odds. But the sad truth is about 30% of pg end in m/c & it isn't our faults. It can happen to anyone.

Don't blame yourself.

karyn3 · March 2012

I wish there was a way to "like" posts here because I would "like" your post, MWoodside. My brother and sister-in-law have been druggies for about 10+ years and somehow they have a very healthy 18 month old baby. How did that happen and yet I, very healthy and very drug-free, have a miscarriage? That just doesn't seem right or fair...but that's the whole thing, miscarriages happen and it isn't anyone's fault sometimes.

I love my niece with all of my heart and while I hope someday soon to have my own baby, I am grateful that we have my niece in our lives. And, due to her parents being the druggies they are, there is a chance someday that I'll end up raising her too.

Thanks again for your post, MWoodside. We can't blame ourselves.

Karyn

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