Not sure what to do? Kinda long

jessj1986 · March 2012

My ex and I have not been on good terms since our split in 2009. He has never been regular with child support we agreed on, but the children spent weekends, holidays, and summers with him with little issue. Since returning them in August, he has not been here to pick them up for weeks at a time. He has been a total of 6 weekends since then. That is the back story minus the drama.

Recently he told me he would be doing better and would resume picking the girls up asap. I contacted him on the Wed before his weekend and told him it was important that he get them because I had to go to the law library with my class Saturday morning. Friday night he says he cant because he will be on a retreat with his church. I dont believe this because he claims broke all the time and has only paid me $100 since August. I found a baby sitter and washed my hands of it.

Monday he text me to tell me that he got married over the weekend, and now he can be a better father, because he is no longer "living in sin." That was a shot at me because my boyfriend and I are unmarried, living together and expecting a baby.

Now to my question. I had no idea he was living with his girlfriend before they go married and assumed he was living with his mother. Now that he got married I do not want my children spending the night with him, his wife, and her 3 children. They are total strangers to me, live in an area of Chicago I'm not familiar with, and my oldest has emotional issues that I think will be affected by the news of their marriage. How can I legally prevent him from having them there without my permission? Im am convinced that during Spring break while they are at his mom's house, he will take them to his new place.

dmndsr4eva · March 2012

If he is not abusive or a drug user I don't think there is any way to prevent it. He is their father and when it is his visitation time as far as I know he can take them where ever he wants to. My ex takes my two year old to the other woman's (he cheated and left me) house on his visitation time and sadly there ain't a darn thing I can do about it.

FutureMrsWittig · March 2012

Without dragging him into court I don't think that you can prevent this. I think the best you can do is prepare your kids.

If you are living with your SO, I'm assuming there is no clause in your CO that disallows him to take them to meet their new step mom. You'll be in contempt if you deny him visitation.

There's always the option of taking him back to court. But maybe he would consider introducing you to his new family, giving you some more information about where they'll be living, etc...

jessj1986 · March 2012

We have no court order, not child support order, nothing. I just do not want my kids somewhere in the "hood" for any reason ever. During the summer he had them spend the night at the woman's house and told them not to tell me. That really bothered me because teaching 2 small girls to keep secrets from their mother is something an abuser would do. Before they got serious he was tell me about her ex kicking in her front door and trying to kidnap of her kids..It is insane to me. So I guess I can't do anything legally, and I dont want them to not see him, so Im stuck.

TheBuddha · March 2012

jessj1986:
We have no court order, not child support order, nothing. I just do not want my kids somewhere in the "hood" for any reason ever. During the summer he had them spend the night at the woman's house and told them not to tell me. That really bothered me because teaching 2 small girls to keep secrets from their mother is something an abuser would do. Before they got serious he was tell me about her ex kicking in her front door and trying to kidnap of her kids..It is insane to me. So I guess I can't do anything legally, and I dont want them to not see him, so Im stuck.

If you have no court order requiring visitation, then you do not legally have to let them go. He will have to take you to court to set up some sort of visitation.

What gets me about this whole situation is that if he got married...why wouldn't he want his kids there? He lied and didn't come get his kids for his wedding? Strange.

jessj1986 · March 2012

wendilea:
The only thing you can do is get a CO, and follow it. Every time he breaks it, document it, and file contempt charges. Be aware that he could easily try to get a "morality clause" put in there due to your current living situation, so be prepared to fight that.
Without a CO, neither of you have rights. You could, in theory, keep the kids from him, but it will likely bite you in the butt later on. Document everything, get a CO. Good luck,

Makes sense. I would hope that no judge is that stupid though. "Morality" I would slap him silly. Marriage does not always = stable. I was just trying to avoid the legal system until I finish my degree program. Legal knowledge will go a long way in this case.

I guess I'm in a panic because I dont want my girls in Chicago

Thanx

HisChamaoleGirl · March 2012

jessj1986:
wendilea:

The only thing you can do is get a CO, and follow it. Every time he breaks it, document it, and file contempt charges. Be aware that he could easily try to get a "morality clause" put in there due to your current living situation, so be prepared to fight that.

Without a CO, neither of you have rights. You could, in theory, keep the kids from him, but it will likely bite you in the butt later on. Document everything, get a CO. Good luck,

Makes sense. I would hope that no judge is that stupid though. "Morality" I would slap him silly. Marriage does not always = stable. I was just trying to avoid the legal system until I finish my degree program. Legal knowledge will go a long way in this case.

I guess I'm in a panic because I dont want my girls in Chicago

Thanx

I am curious as to how he feels about his children living with an unmarried SO of the BM (you). I am not judging the situation, but am curious because of the emphasis you are putting on the situation.

I do understand that you mention your children in the "hood" and being with a total stranger (his new wife) as your main issues. If you are truely uncomfortable with not knowing who she is why not arrange a meeting to get to know her?

Also, I think it is best to help your children through this transition to make it easier on them. Oh and get a CO. I cannot stress that enough.

Holly_1007 · March 2012

okay. I'm going to preface this by saying, I'm NOT trying to be a *** or be snarky by any means.

if you have no CO and he has not paid child support, you can absolutely withold visitation. you need to file for immediate/emergency custody of your children. (not sure if you were married or not, if you were and there is no CO you are both assuming joint legal custody, if not there should be no issue with you filing this). once the modification is in place you have every right to deny visitation.

you can either go to court and work everything out with a judge (including child support) and have a schedule set up

in the meantime you can tell him that you will be allowed to visit with the girls at a mutual place with supervision for a few hours (chuck-e-cheese, public park, mcdonalds playplace etc)

tell him you are NOT comfortable with his living situation, and you would like to meet the other people who are going to be around your children frequently (SM and kids)

you need to do EVERYTHING in writing, text, e-mail, handwritten letters delivered by courier etc

it seems like you are hesitant to go to court for whatever reason. it isn't an overnight process, it will take you MONTHS to figure everything out, contact a lawyer ASAP and get the ball rolling, set up a payment schedule if thats the issue. or see if any lawyers in your area will atleast do a free consultation to point you in the right direction.

the safety and well being of your children is THE most important thing, put on your big girl panties and get a CO.

bmv1980 · March 2012

Like all the PPs already stated, get a CO. I know where I am, I was able to file all of the paperwork myself with the help of a "Family Law Facilitator". These are people available a couple of times a week at the courthouse in my area that can tell you exactly what papers you need to fill out and they will even look over them to make sure that it's all done properly. Mine wasn't that simple either...multiple times in court, restraining order, and supervised visitation for some time. Most courts will also waive the filing fee if there is a need. This worked in my case, but my ex didn't put up much of a fight, and I filed for child support through Child Support Services. I am since married and DH has had to hire a lawyer to help him fight his case because BM has pulled some really dirty stuff. GL.

JolenLove · March 2012

If you have no court order, YOU have NO court order. So you don't have to let them do that. Granted his story seems very suspicious, im not one for keeping kids from their parents, but if you TRULY feel like your children are not safe there whether its "the hood" and up to your standards or not, and will not be cared for how they should you have every reasoning to not let them go. However if you do not let them go just because your upset he got married or are jealous or are trying to get even, you'll only be making an (excuse my language) ass out of yourself, and if he were to ever take you to court for any reason he can use that against you.

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